In Spring, Their Thoughts Shouldn’t Turn to Football

You must understand that beneath this tough talk, this callous facade, lies a black heart.

Which is why we fail to work up enthusiasm of note over the new World League of American Football, known on the stage as WLAF, bracing for its smash international opening next month.

What lies ahead is pain. These misdirected individuals actually feel a place exists for an expansion league featuring spring football.

How much suffering must be endured before promoters realize there is no place in society for spring football? And especially spring football that features minor leaguers, bucking major leaguers in baseball, basketball and hockey.

“Aha,” the WLAF responds, “Why do you think we threw in franchises in Europe? Europe doesn’t know baseball, basketball and hockey.”

The listener replies: “Yes, and Europe doesn’t know football and an order of hasenpfeffer, either.”

“We have placed clubs in Frankfurt, Barcelona, London and Birmingham, Alabama,” the WLAF continues. “We have moved into Montreal and we have established posts called New York-New Jersey, Raleigh-Durham, Orlando, San Antonio and Sacramento.”

We answer, “We will ask those who light candles to light one for you.”

Hasn’t history taught the sadness visiting those investing in expansion leagues in general?

Begun in 1901, baseball’s American League, an expansionist of sorts, managed to gain a foothold and last.

Fifty-nine years later, the American Football League appeared on the scene and, spilling an inordinate amount of blood, survived.

But the All-American Conference that preceded it? Butchery, folks. In the end, it expired, transferring two members, San Francisco and Cleveland, to the rival NFL.

Abe Saperstein, late founder of the Harlem Globetrotters, developed the feeling that a spot existed in pro basketball for a league offering what Abe called “normal people,” ranging in height from maybe 5 feet to 6 feet 3.

“Fans are tired of looking at freaks,” announced Abe, who rose 5-2.

Into the world came Abe’s American Basketball League, which busted out, rejecting the notion that people were tired of freaks. The American Basketball Assn. also entered into rest, sending four teams to the NBA.

And the World Football League? It had the distinction of flaming out on two occasions, inspiring the James Bond episode, “You Only Live Twice.”

When the World Hockey League went to that great face-off in the sky, culminating seven inglorious years, it did leave with the boast it discovered Wayne Gretzky.

What legacy the United States Football League left isn’t yet ascertained, unless it will be remembered tenderly as the force doing business while Donald Trump and Ivana still loved.

A creator would come along with something billed as Arena Football, a sort of trick-shot game performed indoors on a mini-field. It sailed into the sunset, leading us now to the World League of American Football in which even the sharpie owners of the NFL have invested.

Remember, some of them also invested in soccer. A major form of entertainment in America, football, they feel, is standing on the ledge of an international breakthrough. And they see television, desperate for programming, as their pie-in-the-sky.

Pathetic. Television airs a wide variety of trash, but only as long as someone watches it. Art Rooney, late owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, never trusted television. Art used to say:

“If TV finds that people will watch Chinese checkers, it will drop us.”

Well, it happens that viewers have stuck with the NFL, but spring football makes Chinese checkers a threat again.

The WLAF argues: “Our league has a chance because our salary structure is sound. We’re not throwing away millions on players as the WFL and USFL did.”

The only trouble is, the WLAF will be getting what it pays for. Charity doesn’t exist in the hearts of sports fans. You offer turkeys on the field, explaining proceeds go for milk to orphaned children, and you will play before empty houses.

In Europe, where they don’t recognize football names from no-names, they will let you die for three other reasons:

The goal posts don’t have nets. The players’ pants are too long. And the players can’t butt the ball with their heads.

Normally, when spring football is discussed, we don’t paint a picture this encouraging.