Pre-Vacation Notes on Satan, Goats and Dave Parker

Pithy observations that you may not care about, but at least I thought of them all by myself:

Item: An 11-year-old girl testifies in Orange County Superior Court that her grandmother sexually abused her, made her eat human flesh, drink blood out of a glass and take part in satanic rituals in a secret cave.

Observation: I hope this silences the people who say we never put any good news in the paper.

Item: The headline from La Habra read: “Man Fatally Stabbed, 2 Injured After Attack by Gang With Bats, Knives.”

Observation: How soon will Orange County be like Los Angeles, when items such as that become so routine they don’t even make the paper?

Item: State lottery officials are reviewing their earlier rejection of a winning ticket worth $139,595. The claim was rejected because the two joint winners, one of them from Mission Viejo, turned the ticket in a day after the 180-day limit.

Observation: How can you misplace for six months a ticket worth $139,000? And how have the ticket-buyers stayed sane since? If I’ve got $5 unaccounted for in my wallet, I stay awake nights.

Item: Laguna Beach couple Nick and Denise Karagozian win the public relations battle with the city’s Design Review Board. The board had disallowed the “shell white” color the couple had wanted to paint their house, because the couple earlier had agreed to use “sandstone.” The couple claimed victory after the board said it could paint the house “cottage white.”

Observation: Hey, Nick and Denise: Go out and paint the town red.

Item: Many people have called or written to complain about the unfair rap they think law enforcement officers are getting because of the Rodney Glen King incident in Los Angeles. All police are being painted with the same brush because of the negative publicity, their argument goes.

Observation: It’s almost patronizing to have to say that most police officers do their jobs well under sometimes difficult circumstances. The public is smart enough to know that most officers don’t act like those involved in the King incident, but that doesn’t diminish the issue. The “hidden camera” aspect of the King incident has created an eerie and indelible imprint on people’s minds. That’s the factor Daryl F. Gates is overlooking when he insists he won’t quit over the incident. As long as he stays, the imprint stays.

Item: To reduce fire danger, Laguna Beach will spend $125,000 for 500 goats that will be used to clear grassy hillsides.

Observation: The city is asking for trouble. That’s lousy pay, the grass tastes terrible up there and it won’t be long until the goats have unionized and threatened the city with a strike.

Item: The Angels trade for Dave Parker, alias “The Cobra,” although a friend of mine refers to the 250-pound Parker as “The Whale.”

Observation: Good move for the Angels and for me. As a longtime idolater of Parker and a fan of the Pittsburgh Pirates, where Big Dave had his best years, I feel like a 10-year-old kid who just got a new bike. Don’t let me down, Dave, and if you’d ever like to come over to the house, let me know.

Item: Laguna Hills High School wins its second straight California Academic Decathlon championship. The national competition is next month.

Observation: Kids, don’t forget that TV commercial, the one with the skillet and the egg frying. Have fun experimenting now while you’re in high school, but please remember the warning: “This is your brain; this is your brain on calculus.”

Item: Tustin police shoot a man who, they said, pointed a toy gun at them.

Observation: If you know your gun is a toy, why would you point it at police? And if you’re on a suicide mission, aren’t there better ways to go about it than letting the police shoot you?

Item: An allegedly drunk driver in Orange swerves onto the sidewalk and kills a 2-year-old boy and his mother.

Observation: The drunk driver tragedies go on and on and on. Each incident seems more poignant than the one before. Isn’t it frightening how helpless we seem to be in trying to stop this brand of homicide?

Item: Two separate letter-writers have in recent weeks called me a “closet queer” and a “damn jackass.”

Observation: If I’m the former, I’m now 41 years into delayed gratification. In the latter, I object to the use of the word “damn.”

But I can tell when I’ve worn out my welcome, so I’m departing for a couple weeks--to go to that secret place where columnists go to restock their supply of pithy observations.

Rest assured that upon my return, the goal will be the same: to bring you quality columns at everyday low prices.