Does Kitty Kelley know about this?Bild Zeitung,...

Does Kitty Kelley know about this?

Bild Zeitung, a mass circulation newspaper in Hamburg, devoted the top of its front page Monday to a sketchy report that attempted to establish a romantic link between Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and a 19-year-old Miss Moscow beauty queen.

As if Gorbachev didn’t have enough domestic problems.

“Is that his mistress?” asked the newspaper in a headline above a photo of the swimsuit-clad Masha Kalininas, who currently is working as a model in L.A.

Bild dubbed it the Mish-Mash Affair, playing off the diminutive (Misha) of Gorbachev’s first name.

The paper apparently based its suspicions on the fact that the model’s father is Gorbachev’s doctor. But it did print a denial from Kalininas. “I saw Gorbachev only once and Raisa was present,” the newspaper quoted her as saying. “Besides, I’m a virgin.”

In a recent press release (see photo), the staff of state Insurance Commissioner John Garamendi instituted the wrong kind of rollback--reducing the number of letters in the boss’s last name.

Dick Tuck, the noted political prankster who hoaxed Richard Nixon and other campaigners, faxed us an angry note about a political consultant’s quote that we published last week.

We recalled that after Harvey Englander’s candidate lost a City Council election in the San Fernando Valley in 1989, Englander grumped: “The people have spoken--the bastards.”

Tuck isn’t miffed because he was one of those misguided people. It’s because he claims he should be given credit for first uttering the phrase, after losing a state Senate bid in 1966.

Fine, but how do we know this fax isn’t another one of Tuck’s hoaxes? Nope--you’re not going to make a fool out of Only in L.A., Dick. We’re quite capable of doing that ourselves.

Uncle Bill, self-professed groomer to the stars’ pets, let out a howl over Bellflower City Councilman John Ansdell’s remarks about older dogs. Ansdell, you may recall, proposed that license fees be waived for hounds 10 years and older because “they don’t go out of the house much. A lot of them have lost their teeth.”

Counters Uncle Bill: “Most dogs at 10 years of age are in their prime. Just the other day I dropped a line to Suzanne Pleshette noting how wonderful her ‘daughter’ Gypsy looked. And Gypsy is over 10. . . .”

We’re certain Ansdell would be willing to compromise. If a constituent with an older dog insists on paying the fee, OK, great. Anything to spare the feelings of a mutt.

miscelLAny:

Though exceptions are now numerous, L.A.’s thoroughfares were laid out in its early days so that each “avenue” (such as Western) would run north-south and each “street” would run east-west (Pico Boulevard was originally Pico Street). In addition, even-numbered addresses were placed on the south and east sides of the block, odd-numbered ones on the north and west sides.