All Alone Together: O.C. Single Fathers And How They Cope

Scott Hamblin used to work 10 and 12 hours a day to support his wife and two children. Then he became a divorced dad with custody of his kids, and life hasn’t been the same since.

Over a rocky four years as a single father, Hamblin, 32, retooled his life. He sold his small business, quit a job that required frequent travel and now works close to home so he can be home every night with his son and daughter, 12 and 9. He interviewed teachers, learned to buy girls’ underwear without blushing, gave up dating for two years and moved in with his sister, another single parent, in the Santa Ana home where they were raised.

Now about to remarry, he says his divorce was the best thing that ever happened to him. “I found my true self,” Hamblin said. “It was not a workaholic, cutthroat person. I was a family man.

“That’s who I am,” he said on the eve of Father’s Day. “I’m a dad.”

Increasingly, men like Hamblin are learning the lessons of single parenthood, particularly in Orange County, which has an unusually high ratio of children living with single fathers.

Of the 90,142 children living with single parents in Orange County, a surprising 23,020, or 25%, now live with their fathers, according to the 1990 census. The national rate is about 10% to 12%. Demographers could only speculate about the reasons behind the local phenomenon.

Some suggest that career mothers, proliferating in Orange County, may be more willing to relinquish custody. Others suggest a rise in aggressive lawyers willing to fight for fathers who have the desire and the wherewithal to sustain a custody dispute, and judges willing to grant them custody.

“Judges are looking at the best-interest test, which doesn’t take gender into account,” said Jennifer King, past president of the Orange County Bar Assn.

In many ways single parenting is similar for men and women. Mothers and fathers alike are sometimes exhausted, competitive with their ex-spouse and torn by the conflicting demands of a home, professional and social life.

But single parenthood also offers unique challenges for fathers, therapists say.

Few have role models for being a provider who is also the nurturer, said Zena Polly, a clinical psychologist in Irvine who runs groups for single parents.

And single fathers encounter less acceptance than single mothers in the workplace, she said. While it is never easy for women to leave work early for a sick child, for instance, at least they are seen as fulfilling a natural duty. “With men, it’s viewed more heavily as a lack of commitment to their job,” Polly said.

“You cannot keep on this fast promotional track if you’re going to allow time to attend soccer practice, your children’s school plays or much less be a room father,” she added.

Dennis Berg, associate vice president for the academic program at Cal State Fullerton, has wrestled this conflict to the ground. He said the need to spend more time with his two boys, 7 and 11, triggered his decision to give up his administrative job and return to teaching in the fall.

Berg, 50, spent $25,000 to wage a custody fight when he learned his ex-wife planned to move to another state with the boys. He has had full custody the past three years.

People are often surprised, he said, that he does it all--washing the clothes, fixing the meals, making the beds, taking the children to the doctor and taking time off from work when they’re sick.

“The most difficult thing is the enormous and constant responsibility,” he said. “You never get away from it. You can’t let down. On top of trying to do your job.”

Trying to do everything at work and at home, Berg began to sense that there was not enough time to do it all well. He felt he was not making the professional progress he should at work. And his children needed to see more of him. One son wrote an essay at school: “My father is as tall as the sky, but he doesn’t play with me much. He’s always busy on the weekends.”

The pressure contributed to stress-related symptoms that his doctor attributed to exhaustion.

“So,” he said, “you have to redefine yourself out of the work ethic.”

He needs more time, he said, “to work on myself to be a better person so I can be a better person with the boys.

“Sometimes I think I can’t do this. You have misgivings. Is this the right thing to do? Especially when you have a spouse who is remarried in a household. She doesn’t even work. She is home alone. You begin to have doubts whether you made the right choice.”

Then, he says, he looks at his kids closely and understands parenthood is not a burden. “They’re wonderful boys. We’re tremendously close. They are super kids in dealing with this.”

On the up side, Polly said single fathers receive enthusiastic support and attention from women who are attracted to the image of a tender, nurturing man. She calls it the “Three Men and a Baby” syndrome, after the movie in which women swarm over a man who takes a child to the park.

“Women go nuts for that,” she said.

Tom Mathews, director of planning for the County Environmental Management Agency, admitted that his children are “great bait” but said he never developed a relationship as a result. “Let’s face it, for a man or a woman who has children, it limits your prospects.”

Because Mathews, 48, of Irvine shares custody with his ex-wife, who lives in Mission Viejo, he spends only half his life as Mr. Mom. Every other Friday, he picks up his children, Jenna, 9, and Scott, 7, from day care and they spend a week with him. The other Fridays, she picks them up and they spend the week with her.

As a result, his life flows into neat weekly sections of eddies and rapids.

On his father weeks, Mathews, who manages 90 employees, usually arrives an hour and a half later than usual and leaves an hour earlier. Evenings, he squeezes shopping, wash, dinner, baths, homework and bedtime rituals into about two hours.

“At one point, my wife was calling in the evening to talk to the kids. I said, ‘This is making it difficult. When you talk to them for 20 minutes, it throws a kink in my schedule. I’d appreciate some respect. This is not a baby-sitting service. I need this time to make sure they get my brand of homework, my cooking.’ She agreed.”

At the end of the day he collapses in the tub. “I think, ‘God, this day was so long, and it’s only 9:30.’ ”

Having the week off is a “real positive,” he says. “I get that rest. I can go to Hawaii, or power out at work, work late or come in early.

“I’ve dated women who have children that have them all the time. My heart goes out to them. The switch is always in the on position.”

Like the other fathers, Mathews said it is the children themselves who make it worthwhile.

“The kids give you so much that it’s really all the reward you need.”

Single Fathers

In family-oriented Orange County, 15% of all children live with single parents--less than the national rate of about 25%, according to U.S. Bureau of the Census. However, of those children, 25% live with their fathers, roughly double the national rate.

Category and Number

Total number of children in Orange County: 589,303

Total number living with single parents: 90,142

* Children living with male householders, no wife present: 23,020

* Children living with female householders, no husband present: 67,122

Note: Single parent figures were not available from the 1980 Census. Comparative national figures, not yet available from the 1990 Census, were taken from 1989 surveys and are not expected to differ significantly.

Source: 1990 U.S. Census.