Letting Go : ACTION Support Group Meetings Help Parents, Teens Mend Troubled Relationships

One at a time, the parents share their stories with the group. A mother, twisting a tissue with her fingers, says her daughter is hooked on marijuana. Another fears her daughter will run away, this time for good. A third adds that her son has become a prostitute on the streets of Los Angeles.

“You must let your children go,” counselor Cyndi Moye tells the group, seated around tables in the library of Culver City High School. “If they choose to do drugs, that is their decision. If they choose to die, that is their decision. You must let them be responsible for themselves.”

Welcome to a meeting of ACTION, a nonprofit parent-teen support group that helps troubled families reconcile their differences. About 50 parents and teen-agers meet at Culver City and Fairfax high schools each week in separate groups to talk about drug and alcohol abuse, gangs, and anything else that contributes to their family problems.

ACTION counselors are trained adults provided by Avalon Treatment Program, an in-patient facility at Coldwater Canyon Hospital in North Hollywood. Founder Cary Quashen, who also serves as Avalon program director, said a new group is planned for Santa Monica High School in the fall.

High school guidance counselors say the fledgling program, which has attracted more than 1,000 participants in Los Angeles and Orange counties since it began about a year and a half ago, provides a much-needed service. Although the Los Angeles Unified School District offers counseling for high school students during school hours, few affordable alternatives exist to help families.

ACTION meetings are open to anyone willing to talk about their problems and to listen to their peers. Many participants say the meetings, which are free, provide them with the only safe place to air their feelings. Parents can vent frustrations and talk about failed expectations for their children. Teen-agers can question their parents’ decisions and see that others their age have similar complaints. All conversations in the separate groups are kept confidential.

“I have learned not to give into my own fears of abandonment,” said Harriet Beck, who joined the group with her daughter Mara, 16, about a year ago. “I have become more detached from what Mara does in her life. If I take care of my own needs--by setting limits in my house--I won’t allow myself to be manipulated or controlled. I can give Mara more consistency.”

Beck and her daughter started coming to ACTION meetings after Beck discovered that her daughter had been using marijuana and alcohol. They have since signed several contracts with ACTION counselors, establishing guidelines for their relationship. The first contract stipulated that Mara would be placed outside the home or admitted to a hospital-treatment program if she tested positive for drugs. The contract also required Beck to attend weekly meetings both at ACTION and at a separate self-help group--or be required to do part of her daughter’s weekly chores.

Subsequent contracts have required both mother and daughter to attend meetings at the Avalon facility. Guidelines also have been established for curfews, chores and the telephone. Mara says the meetings and a brief stay at the Avalon program have helped her keep off drugs and alcohol for about nine months.

“I’m mentally healthier,” she said. “I’m getting A’s in school, and I feel better about myself. The group has put structure in my life and made it easier to accept responsibility. There aren’t any surprises, and I know what I have to do every day.”

ACTION’s network of parents also helped Evelyn Miyake and her two daughters make it through trying times. Miyake’s daughters, Tammi, 18, and Melissa, 14, each have had trouble with drugs or alcohol in recent years.

“I only had the police to help me when my first daughter got involved with crack on the streets of Venice,” Miyake said. “That is why I was so anxious to join. I realized pretty quickly that if my daughters were not willing to live sober, then they were not willing to live in my house.”

Today, both daughters are sober. Miyake, one of the first to join the Culver City group, recently signed a contract with her youngest daughter requiring her to maintain a C-average in school, to do five chores a week and abide by a strict curfew. If the daughter tests positive for drugs, she will be placed outside the home, the contract states.

Still, the road to recovery is rocky for many participants. Tempers often flare during meetings when counselors discuss weekly report cards that are filled out by parents and their teen-agers. Counselors compare the weekly summaries of parent and child and address the differences that appear.

“Your mother says you wouldn’t listen to her three times this week when she asked you to finish your chores,” counselor Eddie Zager told one teen-ager at a recent meeting. “What’s up?”

“She thinks she knows everything and that her way is the only way,” the 16-year-old responded defiantly. “I’m just glad I didn’t kill her while she was sleeping.”

Zager responded firmly.

“Look, you can’t change your parents,” he told the group of 15 teen-agers. “They’re old, for God sakes, and maybe they’re unreasonable at times. Just give them some room--they’re allowed to flip out a little. And you gotta try to listen more. You and your parents are not getting along because you’re not getting what you want. Am I right?”

ACTION founder Quashen says the counselors, all of whom are recovering from drug or alcohol addiction themselves, have a special ability to communicate with the teen-agers. Almost all of the counselors have experienced the same family troubles they are trying to resolve. Indeed, they insist there is light at the end of what many participants believe is an endless tunnel.

“I am here to assure you that there is recovery,” counselor Moye told a group of reluctant parents at Fairfax High during a recent meeting. “There are people in this room who will hold you while you scream, who will listen to you in the middle of the night--because that’s what we’re here for. Remember, this is a long process.”