Couple Find Shower of Advice an Invaluable Gift : * Before Mike Malterre and Jody Elliott tie the knot in Santa Ana, their family and friends share words of wisdom on how to make a marriage work in this age of divorce.
Mike Malterre is a romantic who wooed the woman he loves with flowers, candlelight dinners, and crystal and china picnics. He even proposed to Jody Elliott on his knees and surprised her with an engagement ring during an idyllic afternoon on the beach.
But when the young couple were married in Santa Ana on Saturday, they were well aware that their storybook courtship was over, and that it would take a lot more than romance to keep the spark in their relationship “till death do us part.”
Because they both came from broken homes, they were determined to approach their nuptials with a sense of realism, to balance the exhilaration of being in love with the realization that marriage takes work.
No one was more pleased to see them look squarely at the challenges ahead than Mike’s mother, Marti Monroe, who decided to help by planning an unusual wedding shower. She called it a “wisdom of the elders meeting” and invited about 50 relatives and close friends to gather at a clubhouse near her Huntington Beach home for dinner and a serious chat with the soon-to-be-married couple.
The guests were asked to bring something that Monroe hoped would prove more useful than salad bowls and blenders--advice on how to make marriage work in an age of rampant divorce.
Monroe, a marriage, family and child counselor who once lived in Hawaii, borrowed the idea from a Hawaiian tradition known as Ho’oponopono, which she described in the invitation as a “family meeting to correct and make things right.”
The shower was held two weeks before the wedding, and, Monroe explained, the idea was to help the couple start their life together feeling that their marriage is “as right as it can be”--and knowing that if they have problems later, they can work together to correct them.
As Jody, 21, and Mike, 22, mingled with their guests before the advice-giving began, they made it clear that they welcomed any suggestions that might contribute to the success of their marriage.
“Nowadays, people don’t give you a lot of support when you say you’re going to get married--especially if you’re a guy,” observed Jody, who has the kind of ebullience she cultivates as a coach in high school cheerleading camps.
Mike--a salesman in an electronics firm who, like his bride, exudes optimism and confidence--said some male friends expressed sympathy instead of congratulating him when he told them he was getting married. And many seemed unsure how to react to the gold band he wore as an engagement ring before the wedding.
“People say it’s bad luck because it breaks tradition, but with the divorce rate at about 50%, why worry about tradition?” Mike said.
For Mike and Jody, who began dating four years ago as students at Costa Mesa High School and will live temporarily with Monroe after their honeymoon, the ring was a symbol of a commitment to do things differently than their parents and the friends whose long marriages have ended in divorce.
So was the wedding shower, where the couple listened intently to advice from people who wanted them to know that they will not be alone when the honeymoon is over and they start dealing with the day-to-day challenges of married life.
“In our nuclear families, we become so isolated from the community that we’re cut off from the support of friends. It’s important for these kids to know that they’re taking on the toughest task anyone can do and that we’re here for them as they go through it,” Monroe explained.
That message was underscored many times during the hour when Mike and Jody were given a variety of prenuptial pointers punctuated by laughter and tears. Some read from prepared statements that Monroe plans to include in a homespun how-to book for the newlyweds, while others spoke off the cuff.
Monroe started the session by telling Mike and Jody: “I encourage you to customize your marriage. You make the rules and do what feels right to you individually and as a couple. . . . Marriage is an opportunity to grow and heal, to experience joy. If it ever feels different from that, call it an emergency and act to correct it as soon as possible.”
The advice offered by Mike’s 82-year-old grandfather, Arlond Monroe of Sun City, Ariz., was equally succinct: “Always support each other in everything you do. Never criticize. Praise the other one on jobs well done. Be quick to forgive. Never hold things back. Talk it out.”
The importance of good communication was a recurring theme. Reggie Front of Huntington Beach, one of a number of family friends who are therapists, said: “Never go to bed angry; resolve your differences before you retire. Never complain about burnt toast because that’s grounds for divorce--because if the toast is such an issue, there are many more unresolved issues in your relationship.”
Laurie and Michael Moncrief of Huntington Beach offered these tips on communication: “Listen to understand. Talk to be understood--not to win. Don’t consider an issue settled until you’ve found a resolution that satisfies both of you. . . . Seek to change your own perspective rather than your mate.”
And Betty Yamashiro of Santa Ana said simply: “Sometimes words are not enough. One of the most important ways to communicate is by touching.”
Several friends reminded Mike and Jody to give each other room to grow. For example, Joan LaMontagne, an Irvine therapist, said: “Marriage relationships are like a wave. Each couple has to find a balance of separateness and togetherness. When you are apart, you are expressing your individual selves, and these experiences enrich the relationship as you come together as one. A fulfilling union leads to a healthy aloneness, and a fulfilled aloneness seeks union.”
Judi and John Beatty of Costa Mesa cautioned the couple against having unrealistic expectations of each other: “How often do husbands and wives start off a relationship with the misconception that it’s the other person’s responsibility to make them happy? We are only responsible for our own happiness.”
It’s easier to be happy if you have a sense of humor, noted Margaret Hammond of Costa Mesa. She told Mike and Jody: “Problems go easier, seem less severe and dissolve faster when one can laugh. It’s a gift to be able to laugh at yourself. Improving your sense of humor is a lifelong journey.”
Kathie Murtey of Laguna Niguel identified a number of other qualities that contribute to a healthy marriage: “mutual respect, the ability to stand alone coupled with the choice not to, a desire to please the self and the other, a willingness to try to put into words the elusive and unspeakable coupled with the willingness to listen when what is being said is not what you want to hear. An appreciation for silence.”
Carolyn Baustian, a Huntington Beach marriage and family therapist, wasn’t able to attend the wedding shower, but she sent Mike and Jody a letter in which she identified four essential ingredients of a strong relationship: commitment, communication, cooperation and caring.
In a caring relationship, she wrote, each partner can say to the other: “I value your personhood as much as my own, and I listen intently as you tell me the kinds of behaviors that make you feel loved. I then choose to do those things I can, always considering my own integrity and personhood in the process.”
If Mike and Jody were overwhelmed by the time all this sage advice had been given, they didn’t show it.
“I’m impressed. This has been a lot more than I bargained for. This is a real support group,” Mike told the friends and loved ones gathered around him and his bride-to-be.
“I feel very challenged tonight,” Jody added.
The next day, after mulling over what the people closest to him say it takes to make marriage work, Mike admitted that their advice would make it difficult for him to go to the altar with his head full of fantasies about marriage. However, he added, he wasn’t feeling any letdown.
“Getting advice from people who’ve been through this, you realize marriage is going to be a terrific experience--but not always. And you realize that there are a lot of very positive ways of dealing with problems--that it can be done in these days of divorce. That’s really encouraging.”