Time once again for another episode of...

Time once again for another episode of “Discount Shakespeare.” This week’s installment is titled “Stratford Blues,” which somewhat marks a departure from our usual approach.

The players: The Bard, husband and father; Anne, wife and mother; Susanna and Judith, their daughters.

The setting: Shakespeare household, Stratford-on-Avon, 1598.

As the curtain rises, we find the Bard himself seated at his desk, trying to overcome a wicked case of writer’s block. He’s not getting any help from his surroundings. An awful racket is coming from the children’s bedroom.

The Bard: (muttering to himself as he scribbles) “Generous star? No, no, no. Glittering star? What drivel . . . . (shouting) Kids, what is that bloody awful cacophony?”

(Judith enters)

Judith: “You mean the music?”

The Bard: “That’s not music. The lulling voice of the lute, now that’s music. How can I get this new play finished if I can’t concentrate?”

Judith: “Pops, you’re hopeless. This is the latest. It’s called bluegrass. The hottest thing in London.”

The Bard: “Well, we don’t live in London. Nothing but a bunch of spoiled, pampered actors living in London, changing my lines. . . . Why can’t they just say what I write!”

Judith: “There he goes again. Father, you must learn to be more charitable.”

The Bard: “Eureka! That’s it! Charitable star. (reciting finished line from new play) ‘You were born under a charitable star.’ ”

(Anne enters with Susanna)

Anne: “Willie, you did promise to take the children to the bluegrass concert today at the Peter Strauss Ranch. Now run along or you’ll be late. It begins at 2 p.m. and it features the Sam Hinton and the Witcher Family Bluegrass bands. Admission is free. If you get lost, call (818) 597-9192 for information.”

The Bard: “I’ll do no such thing.”

Anne: “Oh, yes you will.”

The Bard: “But I’m tired. I’m always tired!”

Susanna: “Perhaps you could do with some conditioning. The UCLA Extension will present 10 sessions of swimming workouts for conditioning at the Santa Monica High School Pool, 7 to 8 p.m. Mondays and Wednesdays. The fee is $110. For information call (213) 825-7093.”

The Bard: “But the play! The play’s the thing. I just figured out ‘charitable star.’ ”

Judith: “Oh, Mumsie! Could we see the stars? The William O. Douglas Outdoor Classroom will sponsor a ‘Summer Starlight Hike’ at Franklin Canyon Ranch at 8:30 p.m. Saturday. Information is available at (213) 858-3834. And it’s free!”

Anne: “Of course, dear little Judith.”

The Bard: “Am I not speaking the good king’s English here?”

Susanna: “You could learn Chinese. The Institute of Chinese Language and Culture is offering courses at elementary and intermediate levels. Classes are being held at 1925 Sawtelle Blvd., West Los Angeles, from 7 to 9:30 p.m. Tuesdays and Thursdays. For fees and information call (213) 473-3950.”

The Bard: (burying his head in his arms) “But my work.”

Anne: “And do you have a title for this new play, Willie?”

The Bard: (stammering) “Uh, well, ummm . . . I was thinking of something along the lines of ‘Tempest in a Teapot.’ ”

Judith and Susanna: “Yuk. It doth fall off the tongue like a rock.”

The Bard: “And I suppose this family could do better! It’s hard enough to write in the middle of a zoo . . . “

Anne: “Oh, husband dear. So much ado about nothing.”

The Bard: “Eureka! That’s it!”

(Exeunt)

The End.