Whodunit? Youdunit

On a recent vacation I cheerfully devoured a large stack of the latest offerings in detective fiction. Pretty soon, they all ran together. I began to think maybe I could write a mystery novel. Maybe anyone could write a mystery novel. And so in the spirit of Spy Magazine’s legendary “Buddy-O-Matic”--a formula for writing Buddy movies--I offer Auto - Sleuth.

To create your best-selling mystery, simply choose one of the multiple - choice answers available at each plot twist. And remember, there’s no such thing as too many adjectives.

My rising sign must have been in trouble. It was a

( foggy / stormy / sweltering / freezing/humid )

night in

( Los Angeles/London/Florida/Paris/Yorkshire/Navajo Country/West Covina. )

I’d been looking forward to a quiet evening puttering around my

( flat / trailer / mansion / houseboat / converted mill. )

I’d been feeling

( moody/gloomy/melancholic/depressed )

since the

( trial / steeplechase accident / divorce / Commission took away my license / love of my life sailed for the Argentine. )

I was about to drown my sorrows in

( Old Peculiar/Plymouth/Glenlivet/Armagnac/Amstel/Diet Coke )

when the

( phone rang/doorbell chimed/letter arrived / bullet whizzed through the window/dog started barking for no reason. )

It was

( my old friend/the FBI/my ex-whatever/a two-bit punk with a knife in his back/the vicar / Scotland Yard/a stunning redhead. )

My visitor was distraught because

( it couldn’t have been a suicide/rich aunt Sophie had disappeared/a crazed serial killer was on the loose/it was a frame-up/the star was murdered/a champion racehorse was neutered/someone on the reservation was not in hozro.)

They begged me for help.

Naturally, I agreed to take the case. My name is

( Carlotta/Moses/Sam/Cordelia/Hercule/Gregor/Leaphorn/anything alliterative. )

I’m a celebrated

( Navajo/English/French/Belgian/Armenian/other )

sleuth--a

( former/ex/current private eye/barrister/cop/FBI agent/rabbi/lord-viscount-duke/journalist/nosy old lady/classics professor )

who can’t resist a good mystery. I charge my clients

( nothing--I’m paid by the department/

nothing--I’m fabulously wealthy/

nothing--I’m just curious/

nothing--I’m doing a friend a favor/

nothing--it keeps me busy/

thirty bucks an hour plus expenses. )

I climbed into my

( VW Beetle/squad car/classic Karmann Ghia/combination Rolls Royce pickup truck/taxi/Bentley )

and headed over to

( headquarters/the library/the bank/the paper/the racetrack/the trading post )

to pick some brains. I asked

( the desk sergeant/the receptionist/the head trainer/Rosie/Iron Woman/Pete )

to give me the lowdown on

( the family/the will/the lab report/the corporation/the skinwalkers. )

He/she was reluctant but hell, they owed me

( a favor/a grand/their life. )

I found out that

( there had been sizeable withdrawals/a sonnet was found next to each body/the victim was the town tramp/the kids were disinherited/the footprints didn’t match/there were traces of poison in her feed bag.

On a hunch, I ran the

( license plates/credit card/gun serial number/FAA tail number/A.K.C. registration )

through the computer and discovered my client had been holding back. Of course, I knew right away the

( husband/wife/lover/brother/best friend/ruthless partner )

did it. But I couldn’t prove anything--yet. My chief suspect had been at the

( regatta/Kentucky Derby/homecoming game/Seder )

at the time of the crime and there were dozens of witnesses.

I met up with my

( partner/butler/Siamese cat/octogenarian landlord/friend the economist/friend the ex-earl/friend the Armenian priest )

at an out-of-the-way

( pub/bistro/dive/diner/stable )

I know that serves delicious

( shepherd’s pie/lobster a la creme/mash/Margaritas/joe/Indian fry bread. )

My sidekick had been nosing around

( the CEO/the director/the duchess/the psychiatrist/my client )

and had learned

( the cabinet was always kept locked/the family owned 49% of the stock/there was a history of insanity/she was a crack shot/the frozen semen from Secretariat was missing. )

I made a mental note to talk to the

( roommate/postmistress/aerobics instructor/insurance adjuster )

in the morning.

But when I showed up I found that my only lead had been

( shot/poisoned/strangled/hanged/stabbed

and the cops had the place sealed off. I was so frustrated I had to

( swim/jog/play volleyball/fill my pipe/take a sweat bath )

until I calmed down.

I was headed home when I was

( shot/followed/threatened/beat up/chased/bit/arrested

by a perpetrator with a

( mustache/foreign accent/tattoo/toupee/silver choke chain. )

I still don’t know what hit me but when I came to I was on

( a houseboat/a Regency love seat/the moors/the Turquoise Mountain/a racehorse

and a drop-dead gorgeous

( man/woman/thoroughbred/retriever )

was looking at me with grave concern. I had

( a gunshot wound/a concussion/four cracked ribs/a black eye/two broken legs

and my rescuer urged me to take it easy. But I insisted on

( walking/driving/staggering/crawling )

home.

Lucky thing. My

( flat/trailer/mansion/houseboat/converted mill )

was being

( searched/torched/rigged with explosives/burglarized/watched/bugged/sunk .)

Fortunately, my

( partner/butler/Siamese cat/octogenarian landlord/friend the economist/friend the ex-earl/ friend the Armenian priest )

showed up just in the nick of time and helped me

( chase/shoot/trap/pulverize )

the intruder. The hooligan didn’t want to talk, but a

( knee in the groin/C-note/gun pointed at his back/fix of Demerol )

loosened his lips.

Suddenly I remembered

( the panty hose/the insurance hoax/they were twins/we had goose for dinner/the next line from “Paradise Lost” )

and put two and two together. My sidekick went for help and I hurried back to the

( summer house/vicarage/vacant lot/salvage yard )

where I

( broke in/illegally searched )

and discovered that

( the racehorse/the fetish/the will/the murder weapon/Aunt Sophie )

was about to be destroyed by the crazed

( husband/wife/lover/brother/best friend/ruthless partner )

who was waving a

( gun/bomb/knife/hypodermic needle )

in the air. Despite my wounds I

( chased/shot/tackled/pursued on horseback/chatted up )

the villain, who then tried to

( shoot/tackle/stab/drug/outride )

me. I thought I was finished but suddenly the drop-dead gorgeous

( man/woman/retriever / thoroughbred )

who had rescued me earlier appeared and distracted the miscreant, enabling me to cosh him with a

( walking stick/poker/gun butt/squash-blossom necklace. )

I was listening to his confession when the police came.

Case closed, I went back to my

( flat/trailer/mansion/houseboat/converted mill )

with the drop-dead-gorgeous

( man/woman/retriever/thoroughbred )

who will

( disappear/die/be accused of a crime/marry me/finally sleep with me/help me clear my name )

in the next book.