Could the Chargers Be Kidding?

Exhibition games mean nothing.

Read my lips, even if they are smirking.

The Chargers cannot be as bad as they seem, right? How can they be? None of these games, after all, have meant anything.

Correctly stated, it can’t be said with any certainty that the Chargers are as bad as they seem. Instead, it can only be said they seem bad.

As they awaken this morning, the local heroes are unbeaten, untied and unscored upon. The exhibition season is history, gone. It ended Friday night and the regular-season opener is now eight days away.

However, that exhibition season was rather gruesome. It began with a win over Houston, 31-29, the Oilers aiding that cause by missing two extra points. It continued with totally lackluster performances against the Rams, a 24-3 loss, and San Francisco, a 24-13 loss. It concluded Friday night against the divisional rival Raiders with a, hold your nose, 17-7 loss.

This left the Chargers with an exhibition record of 1-3. This record is deceiving. They did not play that well.

There is only one way the Chargers are going to improve upon (or match) the 6-10 of the past three seasons.

They had to have been kidding during the exhibition season. They had to be playing it like a masquerade, keeping their real selves hidden behind that veneer of mediocrity. Rod Stewart would sing their fight song: “We Were Only Joking.”

You see, the only way these guys can pull off a run to the playoffs is if they have been putting us on.

Should they wake up on Nov. 1 with something like a 6-3 or 7-2 record, it will be time to reveal their secrets . . .

The Texan with the drawl playing quarterback is not really Billy Joe Tolliver. It’s Bobby Layne.

The backup quarterback wearing John Friesz’s uniform is Earl Morral.

Gill Byrd is 24 again.

So is Billy Ray Smith.

Shawn Jefferson, the wide receiver obtained from Houston, is really John Jefferson in his youth, even though he is wearing Kellen Winslow’s number.

Anthony Miller has been dropping passes in exhibition games to entice opponents to single-cover him. As a matter of fact, opponents studying exhibition films of Charger receivers considered not bothering to cover any of them.

The pass rush has been non-existent because coaches have made linemen and linebackers play with weights on their ankles. They spent the exhibition season trying to make opposing quarterbacks deceivingly comfortable.

The Marion Butts holdout was created by the club to get people talking about the club.

Burt Grossman really loves Leslie O’Neal.

Leslie O’Neal really loves Burt Grossman.

Both are playing with more freedom and having more fun without Lee Williams around to hog the Pro Bowl votes.

Ronnie Harmon took off with a new career as an every-down wide receiver rather than a third-down running back. They did not tip their hand on this one in the exhibition season. Alex Spanos told Dan Henning he could play Tolliver at quarterback if he could call the plays from the owner’s box.

The new one-wide receiver, three-running back offense unveiled in the regular-season opener has proven unstoppable. At Spanos’ urging, they experimented with a no-quarterback offense in practice. This was junked after it was determined that what they had was better than nothing, but the vote was close.

The Chargers intended to renegotiate with Butts all along but had to wait for escrow to close on a building Spanos was selling. It just happened to close at about the same time Butts switched to an agent more palatable to the Charger hierarchy.

You see, there are many things a club can do during training camp to create this illusion of ineptitude. Innocent things like stupid penalties, bumbling handoffs, fallen defenders. Who’s to know, for example, whether maybe Houston’s kicker was joking when he missed those extra points. There are times when it’s good to be bad.

The exhibition season is like a third race at Del Mar. One of the most important things to know is who is trying and who is saving it for later.

The Chargers’ only hope, at least their fans’ only hope, is that they too are saving it for later.

So take heart all you boo-birds. You too may have been hood-winked by a juggernaut just dozing through the exhibition season.

When the bell rings Sept. 1, maybe you’ll feel bad about all your surliness. Maybe you’ll find out these really weren’t the real Chargers. Maybe you’ll be checking your Christmas stockings for Super Bowl tickets.

If what you see is what you’ve been getting, please remember one thing.

I’m only joking.