Who’s on First for the Angels? It Depends. . .

An announcement will be made later this week that the California Angels are about to appoint a new executive to take control of the team, this column has exclusively learned.

Reliable sources report that the Angels will have the pleasure of introducing the popularly apocryphal John Doe as their new vice president and chief executive officer of titular operations.

Doe will report directly to Field Manager and Director of Player Development Buck Rodgers, who will report directly to Director of Already Developed Players Danny O’Brien, who will report directly to Director of Player Personnel Whitey Herzog, who will report directly to Director of Directors Richard Brown, who will report directly to Monarch of the Inland Empire Jackie Autry, who will report directly to her husband.

Reached at his fabulously fabricated estate in Florida, the new Angel executive told this reporter: “My goal is to make the California Angels the best organization in baseball, same as the hundreds of previous people whose goal was to make the California Angels the best organization in baseball.”

Much to the dismay of Angel management, a crew from the tabloid television program “A ‘Big A’ Current Affair” recently used a hidden camera and microphone to obtain an exclusive insider’s look at last week’s emergency meeting of the Angel board of directors. A transcript follows:

Whitey Herzog: “OK, tell me one more time. I work for whom?”

Gene Autry: “For me.”

Jackie Autry: “And for me.”

Richard Brown: “And what about me?”

Gene Autry: “What about you?”

Brown: “Is Whitey working for me?”

Gene Autry: “Well, that depends.”

Brown: “Depends on what?”

Gene Autry: “On who you are.”

Brown: “I’m Richard Brown.”

Gene Autry: “And what is your title around here? I forget.”

Jackie Autry: “Richard is in charge, Gene.”

Gene Autry: “Who put him in charge?”

Jackie Autry: “I forget.”

Brown: “All I want to know is, does Whitey work for me or do I work for Whitey?”

Jackie Autry: “Now which one of you is Whitey again?”

Herzog: “Me.”

Jackie Autry: “But your hair is dark.”

Herzog: “Lots of guys named Whitey have dark hair. Whitey Ford had dark hair.”

Brown: “We’re getting off the subject here.”

Herzog: “What was the subject?”

Danny O’Brien: “Who’s in charge?”

Gene Autry: “Who are you?”

O’Brien: “Danny O’Brien.”

Gene Autry: “When did we hire you?”

O’Brien: “Not long ago.”

Gene Autry: “And what did we hire you to do?”

O’Brien: “To be in charge.”

Brown: “That was before you put me in charge.”

Herzog: “That was when Mike Port was in charge.”

Jackie Autry: “That’s right. Where is Mike Port, anyway? He’s late for the meeting.”

O’Brien: “Mike doesn’t work here anymore.”

Gene Autry: “Did you replace Mike, Danny?”

O’Brien: “No, I arrived before Mike left.”

Gene Autry: “Were you Mike’s boss or was Mike your boss?”

O’Brien: “I don’t remember.”

Jackie Autry: “We hired Richard to be everybody’s boss, dear.”

Gene Autry: “We did?”

Jackie Autry: “We did.”

Gene Autry: “Then what did we hire this guy for?”

Jackie Autry: “Which guy?”

Gene Autry: “This Whitey guy.”

Jackie Autry: “To run the baseball team, dear.”

Gene Autry: “Then what did we hire this Brown guy for?”

Jackie Autry: “To run the baseball team, dear.”

Gene Autry: “And does Whitey work for Brownie or does Brownie work for Whitey?”

Jackie Autry: “I can’t remember, dear.”

Gene Autry: “And what did we hire the outer-space guy for?”

Jackie Autry: “Which outer-space guy, dear?”

Gene Autry: “Buck Rodgers.”

Jackie Autry: “Oh, to be our manager, dear.”

Gene Autry: “I knew Roy Rogers, you know.”

Jackie Autry: “I know, dear.”

Gene Autry: “We haven’t hired Roy, have we?”

Jackie Autry: “No, dear.”

Brown: “Not yet.”

Jackie Autry: “What did you say, Richard?”

Brown: “I didn’t say anything.”

Herzog: “The way I understand it, I have complete authority to do anything I want.”

Brown: “That’s correct.”

Herzog: “And whenever I decide to do anything I want, all I have to do is ask you first.”

Brown: “That’s also correct.”

Herzog: “And you have the final decision on all baseball-related decisions.”

Brown: “That, too, is correct.”

Herzog: “And after you make the final decision on my decision, all you have to do is ask Jackie Autry to approve your decision.”

Brown: “Now you understand.”

Herzog: “I understand what?”

Brown: “You understand the California Angels.”

O’Brien: “But what about me? You skipped over me.”

Buck Rodgers: “Danny, all I’d like to know is if we’re going to keep Wally Joyner.”

O’Brien: “I don’t know, Bucky. Are we going to keep Wally, Whitey?”

Herzog: “I don’t know, Danny. Are we going to keep Wally, Brownie?”

Brown: “I don’t know, Whitey. Are we going to keep Wally, Jackie?”

Jackie Autry: “I don’t know, Brownie. Are we going to keep Wally, Gene?”

Gene Autry: “Which one of these guys is Wally?”

Jackie Autry: “No, Wally’s not here, dear.”

Gene Autry: “Well, why not? Why did I put him in charge if he doesn’t come to our meetings?”

Jackie Autry: “No, Wally’s not an executive, dear.”

Brown: “Not yet.”

Jackie Autry: “What did you say, Richard?”

Brown: “I didn’t say anything.”

Gene Autry: “Well, Roy’s running the team on the field. I guess it’s up to you, Roy.”

Rodgers: “Buck.”

Gene Autry: “I guess it’s up to you, Buck.”

Rodgers: “I’d like to keep Wally. Can I keep Wally, Whitey?”

Herzog: “I’d like to keep Wally. Can we keep Wally, Brownie?”

Brown: “I’d like to keep Wally. Can we keep Wally, Jackie?”

O’Brien: “What about me? You skipped over me.”

Gene Autry: “Let’s order lunch. Who’s in charge of lunch?”

Jackie Autry: “Nobody, dear. But don’t worry. We’ll find somebody.”