A Taxing Premonition

The way things are going, here’s what the future might look like:

One day after receiving my property tax increase, I feel so good about myself I decide to go boating. After all, my luxury tax is paid, as well as registration for the boat and trailer and for my car. As I leave the harbor, I am pulled over by the U.S. Coast Guard and cited for not having the newly imposed Federal Treasury Tax sticker for using “internal waterways subject to tidal influence.” My boat then gets boarded by fish and game officials, and I am cited for not having a California Marine Resources Protection Stamp, which was not a requirement when I purchased my fishing license and which was never made known to me. Without this $3.15 sticker on my license, I don’t have the right to take a fish out of the Pacific Ocean. How stupid of me. After all of this, I decide to go back home and clean the boat. Too bad I use too much water and get fined.

In the mail that day comes a notice from the DMV. It states that I am obligated to pay three years back registration plus a fine for a car that has been inside my garage and not run in three years. Knowing that I could register the same car in any adjacent state for less than one-third the cost, I still elect to go down to the DMV and sort things out. When I get there, they inform me that I also have to have it “smogged.”

On the way home, I am pulled over by a Highway Patrol officer and asked for my proof of insurance. Too bad my auto insurance had increased $241.60 for the next six-month period due to Proposition 103, despite the fact that my driving record had not changed.

I make it back home and decide to just sit on the porch, have a barbecue, drink a beer and look at the view. It is then that I realize I can’t afford a beer, due to the recent tax increase on it, and that the AQMD had outlawed barbecuing.

So, sitting there, looking at the view, I hear a knock at the door. It is the Ventura view-tax collector wanting what is left in my pocket in exchange for the view. I give him all that I can and tell him to bill me for the rest. I then go into the house to get some chips and candy, but since the government has decided that it is no longer food and now is taxable, the wife didn’t have enough money with her when she went to the store.

Don’t let anybody tell you differently. California is a great state. And when I get to see the “Leaving California” sign, I only hope I can stay on the other side of it.

WAYNE A. COMBS, Simi Valley