They Don’t Make the Grade When They Use This Logic

Marc Hansen of the Des Moines Register asked his readers, “You want to know, in a nutshell, about the state of big-time college athletics? You want to know, in one sentence, how screwy it is?

“Here’s everything you have to know: Big-time college athletics is one of the few pockets of civilization in which humans actually argue against higher standards. As we speak, they’re out there in the coaching trenches bemoaning the Presidents Commission plan to raise academic requirements for athletes.”

Two of a Kiner: Ralph Kiner remains the king of broadcasting malapropisms, but NBC’s George Michael appears capable of a serious challenge. During his “Sports Machine” show Sunday night, Michael referred to John L. Williams of the Seattle Seahawks as “John L. Lewis.” Lewis was an American labor leader who died in 1969.

Trivia time: Chuck Cooper of the Boston Celtics was the first black player to sign with an NBA team. But who was the first black player to play in the NBA?

Fly the friendly skies: George Brett, majority stockholder of the Spokane, Wash., Chiefs of the Western Hockey League, offered the Sporting News his opinion on the NHL’s labor dispute: “They should put all (the negotiators) in a plane and take them out over the ocean. Tell them, ‘You’ve got five hours of fuel guys. . . . You make up your mind.’ ”

Oh, dear: Detroit Tiger outfielder Rob Deer, who played for Anaheim Canyon High, is closing in on a different sort of matching statistic--he is batting .176 with 172 strikeouts.

Rocky Mountain low: University of Colorado quarterback Darian Hagan, a former all-star from Locke High, is helping shepherd a new herd of Buffaloes through the 1991 season. At times, he said, it has been frustrating.

“When they make a mistake, they get down on themselves,” Hagan said. “Coach asks, ‘What did you do wrong here?’ They reply: ‘I’m just stupid.’ Me and (center) Jay Leeuwenburg try to show them that it doesn’t matter. Just play beyond expectations.”

Add low: Looking over the practice field at Folsom Field, Hagan sees a group of no-names, quite a change from the past couple of seasons, when Colorado was winning the Big Eight championship and a national title.

“We had all the stars around, they lived to win,” Hagan reminisced. “They just constantly quarreled in practice; it was constant bickering among the offense and defense. Now there is none of that. Now everybody is just trying to learn their assignments. It gets frustrating when I can’t turn a corner and get loose.”

London’s calling: Hagan’s buddy and former Colorado teammate, J.J. Flannigan, played for the London Monarchs of the World League of American Football.

His assessment of the English: “They don’t hate us, but they think we’re just the most arrogant people on Earth. People’s attitudes change. They say, ‘Hi,’ to you and you say, ‘Hi,’ to them and then they know you’re not English, they kind of get shocked. Especially among the blacks over there. There’s a little bit of prejudice there.”

Add London: Flannigan, who is from Pomona, experienced an English pub while abroad. “Don’t drink that beer over there,” he warned. “It’s not cold like we like it.”

Of the pub patrons: “They mainly just liked to come up and notice how big we were. And see if we would give them free tickets.”

Sox hop: Baltimore Sun columnist John Eisenberg on the tight American League East race: “The Boston Red Sox are making a big comeback, which is not unlike saying man bites dog, or a Democrat was just elected president.

“It’s something that just doesn’t happen. Not according to the legend, at least.”

Trivia answer: Earl Lloyd of the then-Washington Capitols. The West Virginia State player entered a game on Oct. 31, 1950.

Quotebook: John McKay, former USC and Tampa Bay Buccaneer coach, on his profession: “You draw X’s and O’s on a blackboard, and that’s not so difficult. I can even do it with my left hand.”