Evolution Lawsuit--A Lot of Theories

The article, “O.C. Teacher Files $5-Million Evolution Suit” (Oct. 1), has given me a great idea. First, I secure a job teaching geography in the Capistrano Unified School District. Never mind that my college degree is not in geography--the district let a PE major teach biology. Of course, in teaching geography, I cannot in good conscience teach the “theory” that the Earth is round without giving equal time to a competing theory that it is flat. I admit I share the philosophical beliefs of the Flat Earth Society, but I assure you my philosophical beliefs will not be forced upon my students. I will only teach what the scientific evidence shows.

We will examine the question close up. I will have my students walk outside and look in every direction--north, south, east and west. I will ask them: “Do you see flat, or do you see round?” I will show how that quack Galileo recanted on his radical theory that the Earth revolves around the sun after a gentle nudge from the church. (If that nut Darwin had been within the jurisdiction of the church, he, too, would have seen the error of his ways when facing the church’s powers of “persuasion.”)

The school district will then play right into my hands. It will insist I teach Earth-roundness to the exclusion of flatness. That’s when I sue for $5 million--no, $6 million. I will claim it is denying me my academic freedom.

What do I hope to gain, you ask. Well, I will become a media star. Newspaper people will want to interview me. I will tell my story on radio and television. Let’s face it, my real talents are limited, and I cannot hope to accomplish anything in my life significant enough to warrant media attention, but I don’t need to. By moving my flat-Earth philosophy into the geography classroom, I become a newsmaker. I will be a hero among fellow flat-Earthers. I will be somebody important.

Then again, I might actually get a few dollars from a jury, but I must admit it is not very likely. Most jurors think they are too smart to be sympathetic to any of this. The jury might believe people actually sailed around the earth in ships, or flew around in planes or spacecraft, or other half-baked “evidence” the devious round-Earthers will offer.

I am grateful for one thing, however. My flat-Earth argument is stronger than the argument of the poor fellow trying to sell creation science. He’s got to refute fossil records, chromosome comparison evidence, carbon dating, plate tectonics (which are not inconsistent with a flat Earth), and lots of other evidence.

He hasn’t got a prayer.

THOMAS HAVLENA, Laguna Hills