Listen Up, You Turkeys Who Can’t Cook or Carve

Men, traditionally, do two things very well when it comes to turkeys: shoot them and eat them. Everything that comes in between continues to be a mystery that makes the Gordian knot seem like a knock-knock joke.

But assembling a visually pleasing holiday table, and making sure the end product of the turkey hunt doesn’t end up looking like the leftovers from “Nightmare on Elm Street XIX” isn’t difficult--it’s just superfluous in the minds of most men.

A properly cooked and carved bird reposing grandly in the middle of a beautifully decorated table may be a transient form of interior design, but it is nonetheless a hugely memorable one. And giving the holiday board its due is a great way to exercise one’s eye for proportion and beauty.

It’s well to remember, however, that Tim Allen, the comedian who turned the Sears power tool department into a holy shrine, is right: men are Neanderthals. Our banquet instincts do not incline to gentility and grace. Left to our own devices, we’d simply blow the feathers off the bird with a shotgun the size of a tank cannon, squat around an open fire and scorch it black, shred it with a chain saw (from Sears), devour it with great slurping grunts, and fling the bones to the dogs.

Usually, women have prevented this.

But let’s face it: The world is getting grittier all the time, and everyone--men included--ought to be able to produce a little gentility and grace when the occasion demands. And what better way to learn it than from a guy who’s related to Daniel Boone.

Russell Armstrong, who’s a cousin by marriage to the legendary frontiersman, is also the chef at the Corona del Mar restaurant Trees, and Russell knows turkey. His restaurant features Thanksgiving-style turkey dinners every Sunday, and this Tuesday at 4 p.m., he’s going to conduct a free one-hour seminar on how to properly cook and carve the great American bird, tasks most guys would improperly accomplish with a blowtorch and a double-bladed ax.

Russell also knows trimmings. And early last week, after knocking together a truly fine bird, he talked about how to get both the turkey and the table to look good.

Cooking, believe it or not, is the easy part. Armstrong’s method involves boiling the bird first, for 20 to 30 minutes, to seal in juiciness and remove the danger of salmonella bacteria. The bird is then left to cool completely, then stuffed and inserted into a paper grocery bag that has been liberally covered with oil or melted butter and oil. The bag, said Armstrong, hardens in the oven (set at between 275 and 325 degrees) and traps the juices inside. Allow about 20 to 25 minutes of cooking time per pound of bird.

The carving part involves a bit of basic anatomy, but--honest--it’s easy too. You’ll need a good, sharp, long-bladed carving knife, a boning knife and a substantial fork. There are two methods:

1) The showy approach. Use the boning knife to cut the leg from the breast and move it out of the way. Then, holding the fork against the side of the breast (don’t pierce it with the tines; the juice will escape, and you run the risk of carving into the fork), cut thin slices with a gentle downward sawing motion. Take a slice from the front of the breast, then from the back. This makes you look very assured and produces a uniform-looking display.

2) The “commercial” approach. Most restaurants remove the entire breast, place it on a cutting board and carve smaller slices against the grain of the meat. To remove the breast, use a boning knife to cut between the breast meat and the breastbone. Continue downward, always cutting closely against the breastbone until the entire breast separates from the bone.

For most guys, the result of the cooking and carving alone--a gorgeously brown, expertly displayed, and feeding frenzy-ready turkey--would be more than enough to satisfy the male table aesthetic. But why not spend a few extra minutes performing a few turns guaranteed to convince family and friends that you’re a true Renaissance Dude?

Trick out the holiday buffet table.

Armstrong says you can do it with a few inexpensive tablecloths, items you can buy at the grocery store and local nursery, and a few common household objects.

First, he says, it’s good to give the table a bit of relief by using small boxes swathed in cloth as “risers” on which to set different dishes. Filling baskets with Indian corn and winter squash, for instance, and propping them up at an angle with tablecloths is another way to create the multilevel effect. And a few fall leaves obtained from a florist and placed around the turkey platter and side dishes lend to the autumnal theme. Armstrong says he also likes to use citrus branches and pruned plants from his own garden as table accents.

Oddly, he said, decorative pumpkins are a bit hard to come by at Thanksgiving time, most of them having been sold for Halloween.

But, said Armstrong, you can easily get along without them. You don’t want to hide the food in a thicket of decoration.

“My axiom,” he said, “is less is better. Just a suggestion (of a theme) is what you want. That’s what will lend an air of authenticity.”

It also won’t create any kind of barrier between salivating males and The Turkey. Just remember: gentle cutting strokes, no pouncing, no crazed hacking and chopping, no animal noises, and pass the peas to your right.

Want to see how the cooking and carving is done in person? You can make a reservation for Armstrong’s seminar by calling (714) 673-0910.