REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Fits Like A Glove

A: QUARTERBACKS

If your name’s Friesz, shouldn’t you be the guy pushing these Isotoner gloves on TV? Dan Marino has big day, but wouldn’t you like to negotiate John Friesz’s next contract?

A: RUNNING BACKS

Two things in this town that continue to happen that make no sense: Aztecs extending Jim Brandenburg’s contract and Chargers’ treatment of Rod Bernstine.

D+: RECEIVERS

Right now Redskins pick sixth or seventh in round one thanks to Chargers. You think they’d be agreeable to taking Desmond Howard and trading him to Chargers for Eric Moten?

B: OFFENSIVE LINE

Courtney Hall makes like a K mart Christmas shopper responding to a blue-light special and recovers a Friesz fumble. Who would have thought Friesz would still be standing on two good legs after 15 games?

B: DEFENSIVE LINE

The Great Imposters: Dennis Conner dons a blond wig and tries to pass himself off as Swedish skipper--no more ridiculous than Mitchell Benson, who acts like a pass rusher and gets a sack.

B: LINEBACKERS

Hello, Leslie O’Neal, nice of you to join us. Marino takes off for end zone and 10 yards and 10 minutes later he makes it. He beats Junior Seau! That’s like Chet Forte out running Carl Lewis.

C: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Darren Carrington left the field yelling and looking for reporters who have criticized the Chargers. After sitting on bench for three hours a guy has to burn off excess energy any way he can.

D: SPECIAL TEAMS

It’s not always easy to spot Galand Thaxton. As a rule, he’s the guy who’s getting chewed out by coach Larry Pasquale on the sideline after missing a tackle on punt coverage.

A: COACHING

Don Shula takes penalty on third down rather than force Chargers to punt and Chargers go on to score. Shula misuses timeouts at end of game. Shula loses to Dan Henning. Obviously, Shula has to go.