Dubiously, They Are 1991’s Best

Somebody is always putting together one of those Year in Review things. You know, the Top 10 Movies of 1991. Or the Top 10 Albums of 1991. Or the Top 10 Top 10 lists of 1991. Or the Top 10 Women’s Tennis Players of 1991--even though, as most of you already know, there are only nine women’s tennis players who keep circulating the globe, winning the same 52 tournaments year after year.

And, there is always a sports list.

You know, like:

Top 10 stories of 1991:

10. Nolan Ryan pitches another no-hitter at age 65.

9. Harry Gant wins some race where cars go around in circle.

8. Mystery guest John Daly wins golf tournament, officially becoming 98th Next Jack Nicklaus.

7. Athlete suspended for substance abuse is warned that sixth chance will be his last.

6. Name of horse that won Preakness forgotten shortly thereafter.

5. Hungry University of Nevada Las Vegas basketball player is given sandwich by mystery man with two sandwiches.

4. Michael Jordan injured by ceiling.

3. Woman threatens to send professional boxer to place where being fondled without permission is way of life.

2. Jimmy Connors worshiped as godlike after reaching semifinals of tennis tournament.

1. Hulk Hogan, busy arguing with referee, doesn’t notice manager of opponent sneaking up behind him, gets into trouble, thinks maybe referee is in on it.

I know, these were very big stories in 1991, each and every one of them. Especially the tennis things. (These brave kids go out there and put their elbows on the line, night after night after night.)

Yet I also know you all get tired of the same old stuff.

So, let me try this instead.

Here are my Top 10 Sports Dubious Achievements of 1991, with apologies to Esquire:

10. In Part IV, Patrick’s head spins around and Pat Riley ends up with pea soup all over his shoes.

In a dream sequence from “The Exorcist, Part III,” George C. Scott encounters the Angel of Death. He happens to be the 7-foot center of the New York Knicks, Patrick Ewing, wearing a gossamer white gown. Funny, but I would have sworn the Angel of Death would have been somebody from the New Jersey Nets.

9. Chapter 7: Lazlo goes into a room. Chapter 8: Lazlo leaves the room.

An accomplished athlete and actor, Alex Karras also became an author, publishing a literary work titled “Tuesday Night Football.” Chapter One begins on Page 3. It is eight paragraphs long. The opening sentence is: “Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my old friend Lazlo Horvath.” Apparently he had been thinking of Lazlo only about seven more paragraphs’ worth. Chapter Four has 10 paragraphs. Chapter Six begins on Page 19.

8. And now, our National’s anthem.

After squandering $100 million in 17 months, America’s first all-sports daily newspaper went bust. No, there is nothing funny about people being put out of work. But here are some parting words from the National’s final editorial: “It is cold comfort, but at least we can take satisfaction that, as Anita Loos wrote of Lorelei Lee: ‘She always believed in the old adage: “Leave them while you’re looking good.” ’ “ Ah, the very thing America wanted most from an all-sports daily newspaper.

7. From the mouth of Sir Charles, great expectorations.

When Charles Barkley of the Philadelphia 76ers publicly apologized for accidentally spitting on a young girl at courtside, he said it was because he was attempting to spit on somebody else. I think we all felt better after that, knowing he only spits at adults.

6. President Carter, statesman, diplomat, American.

As Native American leaders protested throughout the nation they founded, former President of the United States James Earl Carter sat at a baseball game, doing comic “tomahawk chops” and mock Indian chants, and said he would do the same thing the next day because it was simply harmless fun. Boy, ah bet y’all’d get orn’ry if’n we poked fun at Southerners, though, huh, Prez? Know whut ah mean?

5. And introducing “The Boz” as “B.O. Poison.”

Brian Bozworth made a movie. You may remember Brian Bozworth. He played linebacker on a college football team from Oklahoma. Then he played a few games for a professional football team from Seattle. Then he changed his name from Bosworth to Bozworth. With credentials such as that, no wonder they published a biography of him and cast him in the lead of a multimillion-dollar action movie. The film was called “Stone Cold.” So was Brian.

4. I think it stands for “Rest In Peace.”

Before a big playoff series against the Lakers, fans and management figures of the Portland Trail Blazers fought over the copyright rights to “Rip City,” the rallying cry that buzzed through the state of Oregon like lumber through a saw. After the Lakers won the series in six games, funny, but nobody fought over it any more.

3. Coming soon to a Waldenbooks near you: “Todd Marinovich: The Man, The Myth.”

A New York publishing house released a biography of quarterback Jeff Hostetler, the New York Giant immortal. I have it on my bookshelf, right next to the biography of Phil McConkey.

2. At the Olympics, he intends to paint his face, wear one of those rainbow wigs and go bare-chested, even if it’s 20 below zero.

At the Pan American Games in Cuba, Fidel Castro did the Wave.

1. I fought an elephant in my trunks. How he got into my trunks I’ll never know.

After losing a fight called “The Battle of the Ages” to the gorgeous Evander Holyfield, the gorging George Foreman was asked if training on 10 cheeseburgers a day might have been a bad idea. George replied: “Yes. Next time, I’d better try 20 cheeseburgers.” A rematch is being planned for 1992. Thus far, promoters are resisting my suggestion of a name for the fight: “Beauty and the Obese.”