When Properly Viewed . . .

Musical satirist Tom Lehrer once sang, “When properly viewed, everything’s lewd.”

I mention this today because Lehrer’s theory, popular in the 1950s, has been revived by none other than the Pope of L.A., Cardinal Roger Mahony.

For those who don’t follow the entertainment news, Mahony has endorsed a code proposed by the Christian Film and Television Commission that would regulate morality on the screen and the tube.

It is time, he told a forum on pornography, that we return to the good old days of movie-making when people kissed with their mouths closed and women didn’t jiggle their breasts when they danced.

Mahony stopped short of quoting Lehrer, though he did imply that filth is everywhere and we must be on guard against the devil’s work in the most innocent-appearing presentations.

For instance, as my wife points out, “Even the Little Mermaid has well-developed boobs.” True, but since she’s fish from the waist down, there’s no turn-on. You can’t be aroused by someone who’s half trout.

Anyhow, the point is, movies are getting too . . . well . . . realistic. They don’t pan to sea gulls anymore to imply fornication on the beach. They go right to the fornication, to hell with the birds.

As an ex-Catholic often troubled by my own persistent interest in erotica, I didn’t know what to make of Mahony’s verbum sat sapienti. So I turned for advice to the only Person in L.A. who outranks the Cardinal.

Right. God.

I found him near his Malibu winter home, which he rents, watching dolphins frolic in the ocean, which he owns. The ocean, not the dolphins. Malibu owns the dolphins.

He was wearing a flowing white robe and sandals to avoid attracting attention, although locals seldom bother celebrities seeking temporal isolation along the Golden Beach.

“Hey, Herb,” I shouted, which is what he prefers being called. I don’t know why. You don’t question God’s desires.

“You Again?” he said, speaking in a tone that capitalizes every word.

“We have a new controversy in L.A.,” I said, “and I was wondering . . . “

”. . . If I Would Comment.”

“Right.”

“Nine-Million People In The County And You’ve Got To Get Me Involved. Isn’t There Someone Else As Important?”

“Well, there’s Swifty Lazar and Daryl Gates, but they’re tough to pin down.”

“What About My Friend Jerry Brown?”

“He’s campaigning.”

Herb sighed, rustling the branches of trees as far away as Bellflower. “So What’s On Your Mind This Time?”

“Cardinal Mahony has endorsed a morality code proposed by the Christian Film and Television Commission of Georgia.”

“I’m Getting Mighty Tired Of Those Southern Tambourine-Bangers.”

“With Mahony’s endorsement, 4 million Catholics in the county are taking the whole thing seriously. Even Tinker Bell has become suspect.”

Speaking of Tinker Bell, played by Julia Roberts in “Hook,” I called God’s attention to an incident mentioned by Commission Chairman Ted Baehr.

Baehr tells about a 14-year-old girl who saw the movie “Pretty Woman,” in which Roberts plays a prostitute who falls in love with a wealthy customer.

Upon seeing the movie, Baehr says, the girl “became emotionally aroused, got drunk with a friend, and prostituted herself with two men.”

“That’s An Amazingly Vulnerable Girl,” God said, shaking his head. “We’re In Trouble If She Sees ‘Terminator 2.’ ” He lowered his voice: “Hasta La Vista, Baby.”

“Getting back to the Christian Code, Baehr says movies like ‘Pretty Woman’ stir ‘raging adolescent hormones.’ ”

“Anything Stirs Raging Adolescent Hormones,” God said.

“Mahony feels that marital sex under the covers between two otherwise decent people of the opposite gender is OK, as long as they don’t thrash or moan, but everything else is out.”

“So What Do You Want To Know?”

“If Mahony’s conclusion is right, that sex is dirty.”

“Only If It’s Done Right,” God said, quick as a wink, adding, “That’s A Woody Allen Line.”

Then he fell silent for a long time, his gaze fixed on the surf.

Finally he raised his head and said, “I Declare That Henceforth Only ‘Gidget’ Movies Be Shown In L.A.!” Then there was a puff of smoke and he was gone. Talk about theatrical.

I guess that does it for dirty movies, secular edicts and the Dixie tambourine-bangers. Unless, of course, Gidget gets drunk and turns to prostitution. Then there we go again.