Pet Loss : A support group in Santa Monica helps broken-hearted owners recover from the death of a beloved animal.

Twice a month, up to a dozen grieving people meet at St. Augustine By-the-Sea Episcopal Church in Santa Monica. There is a box of tissues handy, because there are often tears.

But this support group is different from most. The participants haven’t lost a human loved one. They have lost a beloved pet--a favorite dog, cat, or even a parrot.

According to Westside psychotherapist Diane Kelley, who leads the group, grieving for a pet is not much different from grieving for a person. “Love is love, and it isn’t just limited to creatures with two feet,” said Kelley, 46, who also has a private practice specializing in pet loss.

What is different is the isolation many bereaved pet owners feel. Kelley said her clients often report that even their best friends don’t understand the loss and loneliness that follows the death of a favorite animal.

“People say it’s just a cat, or just a dog.” In fact, she said, sometimes the loss of a pet can be even more painful than other losses because pets provide their owners with unconditional love, not the complicated kind human beings proffer.

Kelley said she asks her grieving clients to look at the roles their animals play in their lives, which can range from surrogate child to protector. Animals may also serve as a living reminder of an important person, time or place in the owner’s past. Kelley gave the example of a woman who was devastated when her dog died. The animal had been a first-anniversary gift from her late husband. Kelley said the woman began to recover from the animal’s death only after she finally came to terms with the loss of her husband.

The group was organized last April and is modeled after a similar group in Davis. It is funded by the Animal Health Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to animal welfare that also sponsors a pacemaker bank for dogs, animal CPR classes for pet owners and other programs. The foundation also sponsors a pet loss hot line at (916) 752-4200, which is staffed Monday through Friday from 6:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.

Kelley said the group, which is free, attracts people from 20 to 70 years of age. Almost all are women, and the majority are single.

Veterinarians often tell pet owners about the group (Kelley also gets referrals from pet shops and even pet cemeteries). Frank Lavac, owner of Santa Monica’s Wilshire Animal Hospital and one of the founders of the group, said he was concerned about the suffering individuals he saw in the course of treating and sometimes euthanizing their pets. Like Kelley, Lavac realized that grieving pet owners didn’t get the same degree of societal support as other bereaved individuals.

“Some psychologists have told me the loss of a pet is like an abortion or miscarriage is for many women,” Lavac said. “It’s a significant loss, but not one that society seems to recognize.”

Many of the people Kelley sees, both in the group and in her practice, have not yet lost their pet but are anticipating its death. She cited one man who came to her after he learned that Jason, his beloved German shepherd, had a malignant tumor. “The thought of not having him around seems overwhelming,” the man told her.

Kelley helped the owner plan for Jason’s impending death. She had him visualize exactly what he would do when the time came for the dog to be put down. She counseled him to videotape the animal so he would have a record of their time together. And she also urged him to develop a support system, which he lacked. The man joined the pet loss support group and also began sharing his sadness with friends at work. He even called a few old friends with whom he had lost contact.

As a result, Kelley said, he not only weathered the dog’s death, his overall quality of life improved. She added that three months after Jason died, the man bought a new dog. “He didn’t replace Jason, but it was time to develop a new loving relationship,” she said.

A grief plan is an important tool for recovering from the loss of a pet, Kelley said. She urges clients to find ways to say goodby to their animals. Some write farewell poems, attach them to balloons and watch them float away.

Occasionally, an owner will hold an elaborate memorial service. Kelley attended one service, held on a local beach, which included a eulogy by a minister and sprinkling the dog’s remains with rose petals. Sometimes owners memorialize their pet by establishing a fund in the animal’s name to provide veterinary services for pets whose owners can’t afford them.

Kelley is currently experiencing what many of her clients go through. Burdice, the Bernese mountain dog she and her husband bought for each other on their first anniversary, has terminal cancer.

“I’m making the most of each moment with him,” Kelley said. The dog loves to ride in the car, and Kelley has been indulging the animal whenever possible. “I’ve also taken a couple afternoons off to spend with him,” she said. Because she knows many bereaved pet owners suffer from guilt, she has been especially rigorous about keeping herself apprised of her pet’s medical condition and making sure the animal gets the best possible care.

When the sad day finally comes, Kelley plans to grieve and also to follow the advice she gives her clients by taking time out from grief by going to a movie or doing something else that’s pleasurable. And she hopes her friends will do what people so rarely do.

“When people lose a pet, their friends should respond as if they had lost a human--send a card, send flowers, call them, spend time with them.”

The pet loss support group meets the first and third Monday of each month at St. Augustine By-the-Sea, 1227 4th St., Santa Monica, from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. Participants are urged to call in advance, but drop-ins are welcome. For further information, call (310) 559-3164.