It’s a Field Day for NCAA Fans

Here are a few of the things we can look forward to now that the invitations to the 64-team NCAA basketball tournament are being licked and stamped.

--UCLA will win the national championship game by 20 points, but the coach will be asked to explain why he failed to win by 30.

--USC will lose its appeal that the men’s Final Four instead of the women’s Final Four be played at the Sports Arena, on the grounds that the Trojans could beat UCLA, Duke, the Russian Olympic team, the Chicago Bulls, practically anybody at the Sports Arena.

--The Supreme Court will deny an appeal by Nevada Las Vegas that UCLA must return either the championship trophy to UNLV or return Ed O’Bannon and Shon Tarver.

--Duke will make the Final Four for the 48th time in the next 50 years.

--Pepperdine will be a 50-point underdog against Duke by virtue of having lost to UCLA during the season by 40. Doug Christie will outplay Christian Laettner in the big “Christie vs. Christian” matchup, but the Waves will be rattled in the last minute by Duke’s fans chanting: “Our ocean is cleaner than your ocean.”

--USC will be eliminated by two points because of two delay-of-game technical fouls against Harold Miner for dribbling the basketball between his knees, spinning it, spitting on it, polishing it, twirling it on his finger, whirling it behind his back, waxing it, pumping more air into it, autographing it and pulling the old Meadowlark Lemon ball-on-a-string trick before shooting a free throw.

--The Clippers will win the NBA championship, whereupon Larry Brown will take the Kansas job. --The NCAA will enforce new legislation making it illegal for any school in the state of Louisiana to be permitted into the NCAA tournament, including Northeast Louisiana, Southwest Louisiana, North By Northwest Louisiana, Louisiana State, Louisiana County, Louisiana Tech, Louisiana Textile, Louisiana Gumbo, Louisiana Purchase, the University of Louisiana at Mississippi, Chef Paul Louisiana and Kingfish Long Community College.

--Syracuse will become the first team in NCAA tournament history to miss 100 consecutive free throws.

--Georgetown’s strong showing in the regionals will result in generous financial donations from boosters, including members of the U.S. House of Representatives, none of whom will be permitted to pay by check.

--Michigan will continue its emphasis on youth by starting four high school seniors and a preteen from Ypsilanti.

--Princeton will very nearly pull off a major tournament upset before being defeated, 20-19. --Tournament revenues will do wonders for the basketball program of the Campbell Fighting Camels, permitting them to buy a second basketball.

--Packing for another trip to the NCAAs, Indiana’s Bob Knight will be sure to pack his red sweater, a crimson sweater and a scarlet one, with maybe an extra red one.

--The mascot of the Delaware Blue Hens will be confiscated by the Food & Drug Administration as contaminated livestock.

--Billy Packer will make his annual picks of the five toughest conferences: 1. The ACC. 2. The Big East. 3. The ACC. 4. The Southeastern Conference. 5. The ACC.

--Florida State will do great, because it won’t have to play Miami.

--The extra-large Oliver Miller of Arkansas will take his team to the finals and become immortalized as the Big, Big, Big O.

--Now that Rick Pitino has revived the state university’s basketball program, Kentucky will pass a state law making it necessary for citizens to address the coach as “your eminence.”

--Nevada law enforcement officials will investigate reports that Las Vegas floor shows have illegally recruited from Memphis State’s cheerleading squad, or vice versa.

--On April Fools’ Day, CBS will rehire Brent Musburger.

--Xavier will send thank-you notes to Spike Lee for making those school caps so popular.

--Eddie Sutton’s Oklahoma State team will be prepared for Kentucky after intercepting a game plan sent overnight by Emery Air Freight.

--North Carolina will hold some of the game’s greatest players to 15 points apiece. Unfortunately, they will be North Carolina’s players.

--Somebody will pay $1 or $5 in your office pool and draw “Fordham” out of a hat and you will get to laugh and laugh and laugh.

--Arizona will lose its appeal to play every Arizona basketball game in Arizona.

--San Diego State will begin a recruiting drive for its run at the 1993 Final Four under Coach Tarkanian.