Morris Boosts Blue Jays Atop the Real Life Top 25

What big league baseball needs most (besides a time clock, a shorter schedule, more Luis Polonias, fewer Kirk Gibsons, a mercy rule in Cleveland and “Home Run Derby: The Next Generation”) is a poll.

Where would college football be without a poll? College football needs two of them, so it can figure out who gets to share the national championship each year. Where would college basketball be without a poll? The college basketball poll is a wondrous world of fancy and fantasy, where UCLA can actually be ranked ahead of Indiana.

It’s high time baseball had a poll, too. So now it does. We call it the Major League Real Life Top 25 (Plus The Indians) and present it herewith.

Good news for the Blue Jays: They finally won the big one. Good news for the Angels, too: They’re still the best last-place team in baseball.

1. Toronto: If you can’t beat him, join him. That was the Blue Jays’ approach to Jack Morris this winter--they couldn’t, so they did. Can’t stop the gagging in Toronto? Morris can. Can’t get to the World Series from here? Morris can. He is to the early ‘90s what Don Baylor was to the late ‘80s: Rent-A-Pennant. Dave Winfield, remember how it felt to play baseball in October?

2. Chicago White Sox: This just in--the White Sox trade Sammy Sosa and Ken Patterson to the Cubs for George Bell. Chicago, the city of brotherly love. Might as well see if one team from this town can win a World Series. This just in--the White Sox trade Bo Jackson’s hip bone to the Cubs for Greg Maddux and Andre Dawson.

3. Atlanta: The tomahawk chop lives to see another politically incorrect World Series. Reports from West Palm Beach say Lonnie Smith looking good in baserunning drills.

4. Cincinnati: Good news at Riverfront: Jose Rijo, Tom Browning, Greg Swindell and Tim Belcher form the best rotation in baseball. Better news at Riverfront: Rob Dibble has a sore shoulder and won’t be throwing at anyone for three to four weeks.

5. Boston: The pitching staff now has three Youngs--two Cys (Roger Clemens, Frank Viola) and one Matt. Two more Cys and one less Matt and the Red Sox are right there.

6. Texas: Start those office pools now: What day does Nolan Ryan pitch his eighth no-hitter? Which Ranger wins the American League batting title? When is the team with the best lineup in baseball officially eliminated from the AL West race?

7. Minnesota: Andy MacPhail, tireless public servant, wrenched two entire cities out of post-World Series despair by replacing Morris (a.k.a., Traitor Jack) with 20-game winner John Smiley from Pittsburgh. A brilliant stroke. Now, if he can find a pinch-runner for Kent Hrbek. 8. Dodgers: Q: What do manager Tom Lasorda, first baseman Kal Daniels, second baseman Juan Samuel, third baseman Jeff Hamilton and shortstop Jose Offerman have in common? A: Nothing. Lasorda will be back with the Dodgers in ’93.

9. Oakland: Doug Rader’s latest assignment: Resurrect Mark McGwire’s batting stroke from the .201 area code. It could be worse. It could be Dave Parker.

10. Pittsburgh: Nice guys don’t finish last--they sign for $29 million with the Mets and get replaced by bad guys. Kirk Gibson for Bobby Bonilla? If that’s any way to improve a ballclub, Barry Bonds works for the Pittsburgh Chamber of Commerce.

11. St. Louis: The Cardinals brought the fences in, brought Andres Galarraga in and put Pedro Guerrero out in left. Two out of three’s not bad.

12. New York Mets: If I was on a team sincerely attempting to play 162 games with Howard Johnson in center field, Bill Pecota and Dave Magadan at third base, Todd Hundley at catcher and Kevin Elster at shortstop, I wouldn’t be talking to the media, either.

13. Kansas City: Bret’s a Met, Tartabull’s a Yankee Doodle Danny and most Kansas Citians can make no rhyme or reason of it. But, as GM Herk Robinson points out, the Royals finished sixth with Saberhagen and Tartabull in both 1990 and 1991. Without them? How does fifth sound?

14. Chicago Cubs: The Cubs trade George Bell and who do they get? Sosa. The Cubs trade George Bell and what are their chances in the NL East? So-so.

15. Baltimore: If 67 Oriole victories could get Cal Ripken the AL MVP award, 77 will get him elected Pope.

16. Seattle: Kevin Mitchell hitting in the Kingdome? The Japanese know a booming American industry when they try to buy one.

17. San Diego: First, it was Roberto Alomar and Joe Carter, and now Benito Santiago is rumored to be headed to Toronto. Finally, the Padres have found a purpose in life: Syracuse Chiefs West.

18. New York Yankees: The whole franchise is in detox--Steve Howe and Pascual Perez because of drugs, the rest of the organization because of Steinbrenner.

19. Philadelphia: All things considered, Kyle Abbott would rather be here.

20. Detroit: Turn on the news, November, 1992: “Cecil Fielder, the first man to hit 62 home runs in a major league season, finished second in the American League MVP voting to Cleveland catcher Sandy Alomar Jr. ‘Sure, the Indians went 39-123,’ one voter said, ‘but Alomar had one of the all-time years for catchers.’ ”

21. Milwaukee: Dante Bichette found himself last season. The bad news was that it was in Milwaukee.

22. San Francisco: Roger Craig knows the split-fingered fastball. So find him some split fingers, already.

23. Angels: Spring grades are in. Bullpen closer: A. Top three starting pitchers: A. Batting order: AAA.

24. Montreal: Buck Rodgers traded up. Barely.

25. Houston: Given a choice of foregone conclusions, the city of Houston opted for the Republican Convention over the Astros, sending Art Howe’s club on the road for 28 straight days this summer. In political terms, this is known as throwing the bums out.

26. Cleveland: Q: What’s the difference between Jerry Brown, Democratic presidential candidate, and Jerry Browne, Cleveland Indian second baseman? A: Jerry Brown is still in the race.