P.S. I Love You

The Latest Civic Outrage being discussed at juice bars and in facial isometric parlors across L.A. is the expenditure of $248,000 by the School District to improve its image and to learn what The People are thinking.

Friends who inhabit those places tell me its habitues are so angry they are swilling down double shots of straight papaya juice and jeopardizing their nice smiles by over-straining their musculi buccinator.

The same anger exists at the kinds of places I inhabit where the only fruit juice they ever drink is mixed with vodka, and facial contortion is limited to those who get punched in the mouth.

It isn’t so much the $158,000 for the poll that bothers everyone as much as it is the $90,000 paid to Winner/Wagner & Associates for, among other things:

1--Teaching school board President Warren Furutani how to conduct a meeting.

2--Supplying Supt. Bill Anton with answers to questions that might be asked at press conferences.

3--Ghost-writing letters to the editor, signed by parents and preachers, praising the school system and knocking the teacher’s union.

What especially rankles the little people is that this comes at a time when the district is chopping millions from its budget by firing teachers and cutting back on programs meant to benefit children.

The letters were never sent but were kept in the files just in case. I asked one school official what he thought of the whole thing and he said, “It was stupid. I never would have kept those letters in the file.”

Public morality be damned. What counts is not getting caught.

It seems to me, though I’m no expert, that Furutani could probably get by without someone teaching him how to pound a gavel and say, “The meeting will now come to order. The chair recognizes . . . “

If the issue before the board is a particularly thorny one, all he’s got to do is give everyone three minutes to speak and if they won’t shut up after three minutes, toss ‘em into the street. The LAPD will do the rest.

It also seems to me that Bill Anton, who has been an educator for 40 years, could probably summon wit enough to answer questions in a reasonably articulate manner without tap-dancing around the room.

However, since educated people cannot always think on their feet, he might try “I don’t know,” “I’ll find out,” “I have never slept with Gennifer Flowers” or “You’ll have my resignation in the morning.”

You are probably thinking, on the basis of those terse, straightforward suggestions, that Martinez is exactly what Diogenes was seeking, an honest, reasonable man. Well, you’re wrong.

Recently, in fact, a letter was written to David Laventhol, publisher of the L.A. Times, with a copy to SCIII, editor of the Times, saying I was a cheat, a liar and a lousy reporter.

I’m not worried about that particular letter because those attributes are the very reason I was made a columnist in the first place. But I do concern myself occasionally with letters to those in high places that criticize my syntax, my sense of humor and my belief in God.

So I’m thinking about faking a little praise.

I mean, maybe it’s not such a bad idea to prepare a few letters you might, you know, clip and send at your convenience. I have some modest suggestions.

For instance, regarding my belief in God: “Dear Editor: I know Al Martinez to be a deeply religious person and have often witnessed him kneeling before his word processor, praying for help. Also, he never drinks a martini without blessing it first. Yours Truly, Monsignor (fill in blank).”

Regarding my syntax: “Although he may not be a wonderful human being, I have never known Al Martinez to mix a metaphor, dangle a participle or double a negative. He misspelled a word once a long time ago but that’s all water over the bridge. Yours Truly, Dr. (XXXXXXXXX), Ph.D.”

Regarding my sense of humor: “Al Martinez is the funniest man since Mao Zedong and I look forward to the chuckles he offers, especially to those based on sauteeing dogs and ka-bobbing cats. There have been times I haven’t understood his humor, but he explained it was satire and probably over my head. Keep ‘em coming, Al. (Signed, Woody Allen, Billy Crystal, et al).”

Upon receiving these letters, David L. and SCIII will no doubt respond with praises and raises. However, if they should conclude that my capacity for self-serving duplicity is too much to tolerate, I’m not worried.

I’ll just mosey on over to the school building, where that kind of talent is always appreciated.