Parents Again : Grandparents Who Find Themselves Raising Children’s Children

Two years ago I wrote about the magnetism that exists between this grandmother and her grandchild. The euphoria continues unabated. Today, however, reality accompanies my excitement.

Although I do not worry about my grandson as I did about his mother when she was a tot, I find that, today, in Matthew’s company, I become fatigued much too quickly and require many “time-outs.”

It is not only the fun and games that take their toll on my energy and stamina; it is also the heavy responsibility that accompanies my grandparenting role. And I am on “active duty” with Matthew only part-time.

A number of grandparents have had to assume once again the role of parenting full-time, this time for their grandchildren. They are no longer free, like most of us, to sing lullabies and speak wise words to their children’s children, then turn their attention to their own plans and programs.

In today’s social climate, most of us have come to understand the variations on traditional nuclear families: single parent families, for example. In the past, we seldom spoke of “non-traditional units,” pretending that they did not exist, and, if they did, we “knew” they could not make it. But they did and they do.

When we grandparents become parents to our own grandchildren, we create just such a variation. Scholars call it an inter-generational family. It is usually formed when parents cannot provide their children with appropriate sustenance and love--when there is neglect and/or abuse, when children are abandoned or when parents are too ill, physically or emotionally, to take care of them. Children who need the care of their grandparents often come from families that are referred to as “troubled.”

Margie Davis speaks with great warmth and concern for children in troubled families. As the founder and director of GOLD--Grandparents Offering Love & Direction--and as a grandparent raising three children, Davis has become an expert on inter-generational families.

Last year, GOLD received 3,000 calls from concerned grandparents and other relatives in San Diego County. Based on calls to date, Davis projects there will be 4,500 calls this year. With the exception of Davis, the organization is staffed by volunteers.

Callers concerns run the gamut from dissatisfaction with children’s hygiene habits to suspicions of abuse, drugs, truancy, and, general neglect. We grandparents are frequently the first to sense a problem, but, without support and encouragement, we are helpless to effect change.

Founded five years ago, GOLD works to provide that support through group meetings, classes, resources and referrals.

GOLD director Davis said that 37% of the pertinent cases that come across her desk are ultimately resolved by placing children with grandparents or other relatives.

The county’s Child Protective Services frequently refers grandparents to GOLD. The two agencies work together to keep families together when possible. Sometimes that means calling upon close family members to step in with occasional help, daily help or even guardianship. That is not an easy task for the agency, but it is an exercise in love extended by necessity.

When parents abuse a child, authorities are compelled to remove the child from its home. Concerned with the best interests of the child, the agency and the courts will look first to family members before choosing foster home placement. In many instances, we grandparents are chosen.

Loving, admiring and bragging about a child are the whole-cloth of grandparenting, but they are only a piece of what parenting is all about. A visiting grandma is the treat of the week; a parenting grandma can be the daily nag.

Grandparents who are parenting usually need help in dealing not just with day-to-day issues, but with the problems the child encountered before arriving in the home. A grandfather living in North County, who prefers not to be named, informed me that raising his granddaughter has been thoroughly rewarding for him and his wife. They have been parenting the seven year old since just a few weeks after her birth. Two years ago, they adopted her. Until that occurred, they regularly traveled to San Diego in order to participate in a support group sponsored by GOLD. After the adoption, they settled into a comfortable family routine and no longer required that level of support. He wished, however, that such groups had existed in North County when he and his wife needed help.

Many of us, according to this gentleman, are silent guardians--closet grandparents. We are not eager to discuss our situation. Others do find their way downtown to Margie Davis’ groups or to another group called Grandparents Raising Grandchildren.

Carol Baenziger, public information officer for Child Protective Services, said that her agency is concerned with the fact that all children who are threatened with separation from parents are confused. Whether abused or abandoned, physically or emotionally ill, the children need special attention and extraordinary love and support. To respond to this escalating need, Child Protective Services is considering the creation of a parenting training program for grandparents.

The simple fact is that most of us who are well are eager to help. The not-so-simple fact is that there are complications for many of us that go beyond a return to parenting. Often, our dreams about retirement are shattered, our travel plans must be altered, if not abandoned completely. We may have planned our finances carefully for just ourselves. Though there is some financial help available through Aid to Dependent Children, extra expenses for a child in our care can drain savings. And stamina at 70 is not as elastic as it was at 30; that is a sobering fact.

We grandparents do not have to adopt a grandchild to be helpful and a positive influence in their lives. Davis has a long list of things that we can do to enrich and support the lives of our little ones. GOLD offers classes to help us reach out and maintain a lively relationship with our grandchildren.

RESOURCES

Child Protective Services: Oceanside 976-4646, 967-4680; Escondido 741-4242

GOLD (Grandparents Offering Love & Direction): Margie Davis at 447-7349

Support group: Dr. Jaclyn Gang, a psychotherapist and grandparent, wants to start a North County support group for grandparents raising grandchildren. Those interested are asked to call 741-7771.