Exclamation TV! Manson! Elvis! UFOs!

Ratings sweeps often get a bad rap. But they’re the only occasions when television provides in-depth information on the topics that really matter:

Elvis, Charles Manson and UFOs.

Compared with these weighty subjects, even such traditional sweeps staples as skinheads, transvestites, transsexuals and ax murderers--plus the mothers who still love them--are getting short shrift.

CBS aired a two-hour Elvis special in prime time last Friday, for example, and this week found “A Current Affair” airing a re-enactment of what it claimed was the last 24 hours of Elvis’ life. On Monday, “Hard Copy” will weigh in with “I, Elvis,” a three-part tabloid dramatization along the lines of its highly acclaimed three-part fictions on the death of Marilyn Monroe and the Chappaquiddick incident, the latter concluding tonight (at 7:30 on KNBC Channel 4 and KFMB Channel 8).

I, Elvis? I throw up.

Is tabloid television becoming the nation’s contemporary pop historian? It’s a chilling thought. Even when tabloids are truthful, you dismiss them. Who can believe a program that told you the night before that the sky was chartreuse?

Without ratings sweeps, Manson would have no valid reason for still existing. Put him in front of a camera and he’s money in the bank, a murderous Svengali pressed into service in behalf of Nielsen ratings--in effect making him part of the mainstream society he rages against. And best of all, Manson comes cheap. Nothing fresh is required. Just rerun the file footage of him ranting: “I’m your father, I’m your mother, I’m your brother.”

TV needs only the slightest justification for excess, and Manson’s recent parole hearing (as if he will ever leave prison) provided just that. Hence, sweeps references to him have abounded in tabloid series and local newscasts, including one presenting a devastating live 11 p.m. report outside the house where the Manson clan’s massacre of Sharon Tate and others took place a mere 23 years ago. Presumably, the trail was still hot.

As for UFOs (excluding TV itself), Fox’s “Sightings” series premiered recently, and next month brings the CBS drama “Intruders,” a two-parter “based on composites of more than 600 actual case histories” of UFO abductions.

What about TV’s abduction of your mind?

Well, this is truly spectacular programming. But . . . I don’t know. While appreciating the ingenuity, I still believe that television is shortchanging us. There is so much more that could be done with sweeps topics, so many more creative and compelling ways to deal with the relevant issues of our time. Some possible headlines:

* “Geraldo Rivera opens Al Capone’s secret vault and finds Amelia Earhart.”

* “UFOs: Tonight meet a man who claims to have been abducted and held hostage aboard a flying saucer piloted by Elvis.”

* “Snot--Why the bad reputation? All this week at 4.”

* “Arsenio’s latest tirade: He says he won’t schedule Elvis as a guest if Jay Leno gets him first.”

* “All this week, outside Ford’s Theater, live updates on President Lincoln’s assassination.”

* “Now it can be told: Manuel Noriega Claims He’s Elvis.”

* “We’re skeptical, but she insists: ‘My husband is Millard Fillmore!’ ”

* “Man says he was bound and gagged by three-inch figures resembling Charlie Manson. As evidence, he cites the swastikas on their foreheads.”’

* “Weeds in your garden? No problem. But how do you keep them from growing in your hair? We’ll tell you this week.”

* “Strange Happenings: Priscilla Presley and Bette Midler were both born in 1945. Why?”

* “UFOs 2: Exclusive photos of mysterious spaceship piloted by Marilyn Monroe.”

* “Strange Happenings 2: Elvis and Barry Manilow were born only 11 years apart, yet their music is poles apart. Coincidence or conspiracy? We tell you the truth, all this week at 11.”

* “Bill Clinton denies participating in orgies at Graceland.”

* “Watch our exclusive live coverage of Elvis’ grave.”

* “Why police are strangely mum about the man who claims: Elvis Stole My Socks!”

* “Tune in tonight for our exclusive footage of Charlie Manson making more funny faces.”

* “Chappaquiddick: New evidence that Elvis tried to rescue Mary Jo Kopechne.”

* “Elvis living with Michael Jackson? Exclusive photos tell the tale.”

* “Tom and Roseanne: Elvis told us to diet.”

* “All this week we examine the question on the minds of Los Angeles. Tune in for ‘Our Newscast: Why?’ ”