Socking It to Us : Why is every drawer in America filled with single socks? A conspiracy is afoot, says one victim.
To the Sock Manufacturers of America:
I was deeply disturbed to hear that your international convention will once again fail to address the most fundamental problem in all sock-dom:
Why is every top dresser drawer in America stuffed with single socks?
What am I supposed to do with one red sock, one blue sock, one white athletic sock with red stripes, and one gray-on-black dress sock with horizontal diamonds and zigzags? Where did the missing socks go?
I demand an answer.
--Concerned in California.
Dear Consumer:
Thank you for writing in regard to our International Hosiery Exposition and Trade Show May 3-6 in Charlotte, N.C.
The 12,000 reps from 65 countries will include delegates from 330 U.S. corporations, half of them here in North Carolina. We will be reviewing the newest hosiery technology and supplies. But unfortunately we do not have an answer to the question of missing socks. With so many interesting brands on the market, however, finding a replacement should not be a problem.
--The Sock Manufacturers
Dear Sock People:
Here’s what my friends think about the Missing Sock Syndrome:
* The Practical Theory: Socks get caught in far-flung corners of the house--behind the oven, say--and are found by mice, which unravel them for nesting material.
* The Astral Theory: The original black-hole research was done not with quasars, but with argyle. Socks have a secret gravitational force. They implode.
* The Biological Theory: Certain socks are like homing pigeons; they are wired with an internal timing device telling them when it’s time to get back to Charlotte.
I frankly don’t care. The fact is, I bought 15 pair last year, and now I have 15 mateless socks--not enough to knot into a blanket, only a compress for my head.
What gives?
--Still Frustrated in California
Dear Customer:
Although we are sorry you are having problems, we must emphasize that the $6-billion U.S. hosiery industry--with socks accounting for about $3 billion of that--is in the business of promoting socks that are there, not socks that aren’t there.
Our technology focuses on creating socks: Spiral machines to knit color over color, wrap machines to make stripes and dots on top of plain knit, machines to make bold new knit designs on bold new weaves, more durable fabrics, sophisticated blends of synthetic and natural fibers.
What happens to our products after they are purchased is not our responsibility.
--The Sock Manufacturers
Dear Sock Brain:
Did you say $3 billion ?! Do you realize what that means ? If every American sock owner is missing a mate to 10% of his or her socks, then missing socks are worth roughly $300 million a year.
The mind boggles. Say the average pair of socks costs $6. That means about 50 million actual, physical socks are out there going to waste instead of warming feet or getting knotted into afghans to cover the nation’s homeless.
Perhaps the government could end this problem by offering a sock tax credit. For every sock we don’t lose, we could either take a $1 deduction or check a box and have the $1 sent to Jerry Brown.
I urge you to look into it.
--Disgusted in California
Dear Consumer:
We suggest you direct your inquiries to the U.S. Manufacturers of Washing Machines.
It may interest you to know that between 1920 and 1930, sales of washing machines more than doubled, from roughly 2 million to more than 5 million. Soon after that, almost every American home had one.
We think you will find that the missing-sock phenomenon directly parallels this boom in electrical home appliances.
--The Sock Manufacturers
Dear Knit Wits:
Thanks for the tip. But in happier days, people who lost socks didn’t really have a problem because most of their socks looked alike: The spare in the top drawer always matched the newly mateless sock.
But with the sock industry’s development of a machine that makes bright patterns and mixed colors, today’s consumer is left with three choices when socks disappear: 1) cough up the money for a bunch of new ones; 2) keep buying the same color of sock and be labeled a fashion idiot; 3) go around mixing burgundy checks with green and white dots and be labeled a complete idiot.
You’re going to tell me that you and the washing machine guys never got together and talked about it? Forget the Astral Theory--what about the Conspiracy Theory?! You’re probably in cahoots with everyone--even the promoters of Father’s Day.
As Sherlock Holmes would say, “The game’s afoot.”
--Suspicious in California
Dear Consumer:
Try sock puppets.
--The Sock Manufacturers
