How to Avoid Being Beached in Venice

Venice, anyone?

I know how eager the Italians are to get out of San Diego so they can get back to a place that plays outdoor soccer.

Things look bleak, however, for the Italian Galleon. I had pictured Il Moro di Venezia’s crew winning the 1992 America’s Cup and then naturally yelling: “We’re going to EuroDisney!” But as the red boat sails into the sunset, the chances of the next Cup finals being transported to Venice are becoming as unlikely as their being in Marina del Rey.

The Italians can still win. Every race day they embark to the sound of a Luciano Pavarotti solo--and, as you know, the regatta isn’t over until the fat sailor sings.

Il Moro now must win three sailboat races in a row. And, believe me, it isn’t easy winning in a row. It’s no easier than going off in a huff.

My advice?

--Pull Paul Cayard from the deck.

It’s not too late for Mutiny on the Moro. Give Captain Cayard the dinghy. Call in Pat Riley. Put Pat in command. This won’t be the first time the Italians have hired an American to steer their boat. By Saturday, Riley will have them so ship-shape, so seaworthy that nobody will cry foul when they start bumping America 3 all over the ocean. Xavier McDaniel would make a great grinder.

Raul Gardini should recognize this need. The owner of Il Moro is also owner of the Italian basketball team that lured away Danny Ferry (an excellent boating name, by the way) from the L.A. Clippers (equally excellent). He hijacked Brian Shaw from the Boston Celtics as well. So it is not too late for Gardini to salvage victory at sea for his country, particularly since everybody back home has been loyally staying up past midnight to watch the America’s Cup on TV, right after the Giovanni Carson show.

--Remember the Maine. (And other boats that had trouble.)

The Il Moro crew can take heart in the 1983 come-from-astern Australian victory over Dennis Conner’s Liberty (another red hull that got paddled), or in its own far-more-recent rally against Sir Michael Fay’s New Zealand entry, otherwise known as “Kiwi’s Big Adventure.” In each case, a crew that was trailing, three races to one, went right out and kicked some serious boat butt.

There is no reason the Italians can’t do it again. Yes, they did lose Race 3 by two minutes. Yes, they did lose Race 4 by more than a minute. Yes, you could make a case for Cayard smuggling aboard an Evinrude engine. But as long as America 3skipper Bill Koch is professing to be merely “very, very cautiously optimistic,” the Italians might as well be merely cautiously pessimistic. After all, when Koch was asked once before whether the Cup would remain in San Diego, his response was: “You bet your (stern)!”

Cayard is impressed with America 3, yes, but does at least say: “I don’t think they’re sailing flawlessly.”

Which brings us to Reason to Be Optimistic No. 3:

--The Americans are not sailing flawlessly.

Aboard the Liquid Crystal Ship, with its high-tech sails made from a mixture of fiber-optics, polyester, Dockers jeans, liquid crystals, Crystal Light lemonade mix, granola or whatever else it is, and with Captain Koch using computer gadgets worthy of Captain Kirk, the America 3crew is sailing superbly. I think at one point Thursday, it reached Warp Speed Four.

Nevertheless, there have been times during this world-class competition that America 3 c,8.5 has been the wackiest ship in the water.

There was a moment in Race 5 when a mast started bending like a weeping willow, until the whole boat looked as though it might be made of balsa. Turned out to be a false alarm, but later came another in a series of America 3 ghost-ship misadventures, wherein someone aboard gets attacked by various pieces of the vessel.

After Koch’s skull twice got turned into still-life with woodpecker, grinder Paul Fennelly got a leg up on him. During Thursday’s race, Fennelly was snagged by the boat like a shrimp in a net and nearly went over the side like chum. I haven’t seen someone come so close to being chewed up and spat out aboard a boat since Robert Shaw in “Jaws.”

Yet even with all this extracurricular activity, Il Moro di Venezia crawled to the finish line a full minute behind. If these guys can’t go any faster, the only boat any of them will be sailing in Venice during the next America’s Cup is going to have an oar.