Kook’s Tours : Here’s a guide to mastering Ventura County--from its topographical anomalies to its uniquely regional lingo. Then take time for a ‘Pink Moment.’

Hello, tourists, and welcome to Ventura County.

It’s nice of you to visit. Please feel free to lounge on the lovely beaches, hike the rustic trails and gaze at the gorgeous hillsides and agricultural fields. Maybe you’d like to visit the museums, art galleries and historical monuments or take advantage of the camping, fishing and whale-watching opportunities.

We’re pleased that you decided to stay. We have been concerned that so many people use the county as a pit stop.

Pat Allen of the Oxnard Visitor’s Bureau sees the pit-stoppers all the time. “Those coming through from San Francisco are just coming through, going to L.A. and San Diego,” she said. “Those that come from LAX are coming through our city going to San Francisco.”

We would like to issue a special welcome to those of you here for the first time. We understand how disorienting new surroundings can be. We’ll bear with you. In fact, because you are willing to give the county a try, we’ll even assist you. We sincerely hope the following information and advice will help make your stay here that much more pleasurable.

We are even hoping it will cause some of those passers-through to think about stopping for more than a moment or two.

Getting Around Town

Let’s start by helping you find your way around town.

We believe every trip to a new locale should begin with the purchase of a local map. What’s worse than spending half of your vacation trying to figure out how to get where you want to go, and the other half trying to figure out how to get out of where you didn’t want to go?

But even maps don’t answer all the questions, at least not in Ventura County. Here, we have some topographical anomalies that need explaining. The following should help you better understand your map.

Camarillo: No, you’re not seeing things. Las Posas and Ponderosa do cross each other twice. “At the west end Ponderosa runs east-west, and Las Posas runs north-south. By the hospital, Las Posas runs east-west and Ponderosa runs north-south,” said Rock Polido of Camarillo Bus Lines. “The city is kind of like a triangle--I don’t want to say pie shape. It’s definitely a different shape than most cities.”

And don’t confuse this Las Posas Road, with the other Las Posas Road, located in nearby unincorporated Santa Rosa Valley. “They’re not connected at all,” Polido said.

Ventura: Where Telephone Road runs in four directions--east, west, north and south. It may seem impossible, but it’s a geographic reality. Of course, simply finding Telephone Road can be a problem.

Maureen Lopez, spokeswoman for South Coast Area Transit (SCAT), which serves five cities and some unincorporated areas in the county, said people often confuse Telephone Road with Telegraph Road because they are close to and parallel to each other. Lopez knows from experience. She said when she first got to town she attempted to rent an apartment on Telegraph Road and ended up renting one on Telephone Road by mistake. Fortunately she was happy with the apartment.

When traveling through Ventura--and other parts of the county--it’s important to remember that west sometimes seems like north, and east often resembles south, and vice versa.

“North-south streets like Ventura Avenue are not straight up and down. They run along the coastline, which is at an angle,” explained Lopez. “If you look at it as a clock, it’s running at about 10 o’clock.”

Thousand Oaks: Dead-ends are the big roadblocks to smooth travel here. “The biggest concerns are the number of cul de sacs,” said Roy Meyers of the city’s Public Works Department. “It curves around almost like a grand prix-type setup.” And watch out for residential speed bumps. (More on that later.)

Learning the Lingo

If a map plus the above supplementary advice don’t add up to smooth traveling, then you’ll probably find yourself stopping to ask a local for directions. That’s when the real fun starts. As in foreign countries, these friendly folks who take the time to help lost souls, well-meaning as they are, sometimes use a language to which strangers are unaccustomed.

Here are a few terms you might want to write down--sort of a Ventura County-English/English-Ventura County condensed dictionary:

Y: In Ojai, if you are told to go to the Y, don’t waste your time looking for the YMCA. You are not being referred to a building, but rather to an intersection at the outskirts of town where California 150 meets California 33. Why Y? That’s what the intersection looks like from a bird’s-eye view.

T.O.B.: It’s not exactly fast-paced Los Angeles, but hey, people around here are pretty busy too. They don’t have time to say Thousand Oaks (T.O.), let alone Thousand Oaks Boulevard (T.O.B). Neither of these references should be confused with TCBY (The Country’s Best Yogurt), which has a franchise in T.O. OK?

THE MALL: This is important to new visitors and those who haven’t been to T.O. in awhile. When someone mentions “The Mall,” he or she is talking about The Oaks mall, not the Janss Mall. “The Mall” used to refer to the Janss Mall, but apparently the shopping center hierarchy has shifted.

LOOP: In Ventura, if you are told by someone to “walk the loop,” don’t be insulted. You are being told to take the scenic path from the Ventura County Fairgrounds, past the Holiday Inn, to the Buenaventura State Beach near the pier. If you’re told to “take a long walk on a short loop,” then you can be insulted.

THE AVENUE: A name by which Ventura residents fondly refer to Ventura Avenue. This is not to be confused with the THE BOULEVARD, which is what Camarillo residents have nicknamed Ventura Boulevard. And be forewarned, there is a Ventura Avenue in Ojai and one in Simi Valley. Also, a Ventura Boulevard in Oxnard and another in Ventura, a Ventura Road in Oxnard, Port Hueneme and Ventura, and a Ventura Street in Fillmore, Ojai and Santa Paula. There’s even a Ventura Way out there somewhere, just in case you forget what county you are visiting.

Seeing the Sites

What’s the point of being able to navigate the county, if you have no destination. As we mentioned before, there are beaches and fields and hills. And of course, there are museums and parks and art galleries.

But there’s a whole world out there you might miss if you’re not careful. So here are some sites we suggest you see before heading home. We may not have any theme parks around here, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have any themes.

Let’s start with speed bumps--or undulations as they call them in England. Or speed humps as they call them in Thousand Oaks.

Did you know that Thousand Oaks was one of the first municipalities in the United States to install speed humps in residential areas, when it did so in 1981? The city’s first residential humps were installed on Kelly Road, as a test. They are gone now, but humps have popped up on Cindy Avenue, Silas Avenue and some other spots in the city.

“We had one person from back east stop by,” said Meyers of the Public Works Department. “He had to be out here on vacation and took the opportunity to come by and look at them.”

Now for our “Look But Don’t Touch Tour.” It begins with the Camarillo House in Camarillo, former home of the city’s founder. You can see the house, through some tall trees, from the Ventura Freeway--that is if you can catch a glimpse of it while traveling at about 60 m.p.h. It’s just before the Conejo Grade, on the left if you’re heading south. The house is located on Mission Oaks Boulevard and you can actually drive a bit closer to it, but it is a private residence, so don’t plan a visit.

While you’re looking at private homes, why not check out the one on Olive Avenue, near Santa Clara Avenue, in Ventura. The owner has collected pieces of trash that have been discarded around the county, has cleaned them up, and attractively decorated her yard with them. Then there are the topiary bushes sculpted to look like various living creatures, in front of a house on Seaward Avenue in Ventura. And don’t forget the front yard at Harvard Boulevard and Peck Road in Santa Paula that is inhabited by a number of clay or plastic animals.

On a trip through the county it would be hard to ignore the city of Ojai, because, as Ojai residents might tell you, the place is really a state of mind. But there are a few things worth pointing out.

The Rock of Lennon. We won’t tell you the exact location of this rock--just that it is in the east end of town, in the massive front yard of a private residence. The rock has the names “John” and “Ono” fairly clearly etched in it. It has been rumored that Lennon and Yoko Ono stayed at this lovely house when he was recuperating from some overindulgence.

Ojai resident Lynn Kirk was the most recent discoverer of the rock. In fact, she will likely include the rock on an Ojai version of a celebrity tour she has scheduled for October. The sites will include W.C. Fields’ former hunting lodge and homes of Loretta Young, Anthony Quinn and June Allison.

Just minutes from the rock there is a replica of the Taj Mahal. The 62-year-old home, though smaller than its namesake, has long been a stop on many travelers’ lists. It’s located at the corner of Avenida de La Vereda and Camino del Arroyo.

“A town like this has interesting architects,” said Carmen Robinson, former city arts commissioner, who volunteers to give people tours around town. According to Robinson, the No. 1 site on people’s lists probably is the “Pink Moment,” called that because pink is the color of the sky when the sun peeks through the Topa Topa Mountains in just the right way. “They want to see it, but you can’t order it,” she said. “They are usually in late spring or in October.” Sorry.

Did we say we didn’t have theme parks? Well, this next tour comes pretty close. As you drive around the county you may notice the abundance of Bank of A. Levy branches. Why not visit one or more--even all 22? There are five in Oxnard, three in both Ventura and in Camarillo, two in Thousand Oaks, with the other nine scattered around the area.

For added historical perspective you can drive past the Achille Levy House at 201 South D St. in Oxnard (not open to the public) and the Henry Levy House at 155 South G St. (also not open to the public).

Before our final two stops you may want to take a nice, relaxing break. We suggest heading over to Simi Valley, in particular the portion of town where Languid Lane, Tranquil Lane and Carefree Drive intersect.

Now that you are revitalized, it is time for the final leg of our visit--the part that involves some high technology. Your first stop could be the Camarillo headquarters of Inventors Workshop International. Head inventor Alan Tratner said he’s had visitors come from New Zealand and Japan to see the displayed products, prototypes and pictures of inventions.

We suggest checking out the Pregaphone and Chip Clip exhibits. The Pregaphone, invented by a local woman, allows parents to call up their children in the womb. (Presumably the phone doesn’t come with call-waiting.) The Chip Clip is that plastic apparatus used to seal potato chip bags. Call the headquarters in advance of your visit.

From there you’ll want to head over to the Point Mugu Naval Base--but just to the edge. That’s where Missile Park is located, at Wood Road and Highway 1. There are samples of the missiles Polaris, Sparrow, Sidewinder and Bullpup, among others.

If you weren’t aware, Ventura County has many manufacturing plants. Here is a brief alphabetical rundown of some: (Contact in advance any of the facilities you would like to visit.)

AEROVIRONMENT INC., Simi Valley: Except for some portions of the facility that are off-limits for security reasons, the place is open to the public. There’s a relatively small staff, however, and “we’re not in the business of giving tours,” said Bob Curtin. But, he said, they will.

What do they do at Aerovironment? “We do research and development on vehicles,” said Curtin. “For the most part we do it on flying vehicles, highly efficient vehicles that need to fly on low power.” The folks there also work on electric-powered cars and planes. “We’re building one or two prototypes. We are starting to market some products,” said Curtin. “We have a little electric-powered airplane that carries a little camera that’s backpackable. We’re starting to sell it to police, the military, reporters.”

GOEBEL MINIATURES INC., Camarillo: A 45-minute tour, for a maximum of 10 people, will enable you to see how miniature figurines are created. “People would be given a tour of our showcases, which show the range and variety of the pieces we do here,” said Marketing Director Travis Tokuyama. “They would be shown the grinding room, the airbrush room and our paint-mix room.”

JAFRA COSMETICS INC., Westlake: This is the main office of the makers of internationally distributed personal care products and fragrances. They will give quick tours of their lab if you contact them at least a week in advance.

PEETOSEED CO., Saticoy: Peetoseed is one of the front-runners in hybrid vegetable breeding. They’d be willing to give a public tour if you call way, way in advance and bring about 30 friends. “We don’t want a bunch of home gardeners,” said spokeswoman Tracy Johns. We understand, too, that visitors are screened thoroughly.

PEPSI-COLA BOTTLING CO., Ventura: See approximately 1,200 12-ounce cans and 800 two-liter bottles of soda filled per hour. “Most people are a little awed by it,” said spokeswoman Beverly Frain. “They don’t understand how large a business it actually is.” Groups of 12 people maximum can see cans turned into six packs, 12 packs and 24 packs and can see lids put on bottles.

Keep Low Profile

So there you have it. Ventura County in a nutshell. One suggestion, though. Be careful about letting on that you are a tourist. Take this hint from Ojai resident Lily Haggerty: “I’m rude to tourists,” she said. “It’s a real drag to see people walk down the street with ice cream cones like it was Disneyland.”

Maybe the county needs a theme park.