Still Some Scores That Need Settling

This one is Hans.

And that one is Franz.

Hans is a muscleman from Dusseldorf who can lift several Volkswagens.

Franz is a beefcake from Hamburg who can bench-press many benches.

They have much in common.

They both are training for the 1992 Summer Olympics.

They both want that weightlifting gold medal.

And they both wear Dweebok shoes.

Dweebok, the shoes that give athletes a 50-50 chance of getting to the Olympics.

Hans vs. Franz.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This one is Boris.

And that one is Natasha.

Boris is a former KGB agent from Kiev.

Natasha is a suspected spy from Minsk.

They have much in common.

They both are training for the 1992 Summer Olympics.

They both want that pistol shooting gold medal.

And they both use Dweebok bullets.

Dweebok, the bullets that can stop anyone from getting anywhere.

Boris vs. Natasha.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This one is Kandi.

And that one is Brandi.

And this one is Bambi.

And that one is SanDeE.

Kandi feeds fish to the dolphins at a theme park in Coral Gables.

Brandi is a mermaid at the Swimmin’ Women water show at Weeki Wachee.

Bambi runs a snorkel repair shop in Lauderdale.

And SanDeE likes to play in the sand at El Pollo del Mar.

They have much in common.

They all are training for the 1992 Summer Olympics.

They all want that synchronized swimming gold medal.

And they all wear Dweeboks, the official nose plugs of the 1992 Summer Olympics.

Kandi and Brandi vs. Bambi and SanDeE.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This one is Kip.

And that one is Zola.

Kip is a distance runner from Central Africa who is returning to the Olympics after a long absence.

Zola is a distance runner from South Africa, which is returning to the Olympics after a long absence.

They have much in common.

They both want that distance-running gold medal.

They both have worn shoes.

And they both think they might be better off running barefoot.

Kip vs. Zola.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This one is Affirmed.

And that one is Alydar.

Affirmed is a famous horse and once won the Kentucky Derby.

Alydar is another famous horse that hated running second to Affirmed.

They have much in common.

They both want to make comebacks.

They both want to give this Olympic equestrian thing a try.

And they both wear Dweebok shoes.

Dweebok, the lucky horseshoes that can help any jumper clear that opening height.

Affirmed vs. Alydar.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This one is Olga.

And that one is Mary Lou.

Olga is a 37-year-old, married Belarus native who figures if George Foreman and Mark Spitz can make comebacks, hey, so can she.

Mary Lou is a not-so-old, married American woman who is every bit as short and cute as she ever was.

They have much in common.

They both want another Olympic gymnastics gold medal.

They both have bigger beams to balance.

And they both wear Weebok slippers.

Weebok, the official shoe for athletes under 5 feet tall.

Olga vs. Mary Lou.

To be settled before Barcelona.

This is Dan Jansen.

And that is David Robinson.

Dan is actually a speedskater who prefers the Winter Olympics and doesn’t have much use for regular shoes.

Dave is a basketball player who will be at the Summer Olympics but usually wears somebody else’s brand.

They have nothing in common.

But neither has ever won an Olympic gold medal, which gives them something in common with those two Dweebok decathlon guys.

And each is willing to volunteer, knowing full well that Dweebok still has a lot of that “Dave vs. Dan” junk lying around.

Mr. Robinson is even thinking about becoming our first 7-foot skater.

Dan vs. Dave.

To be settled after Barcelona.

This one is Jim.

And that one is Mike.

Jim is a Pulitzer Prize-winning sportswriter with wit and wisdom who has been covering the Olympic Games since Hercules threw the discus.

Mike is a Pulitzer Prize-losing sportswriter with half of Jim’s wit who wouldn’t know a discus from a compact disc.

They have something in common.

They both want to get that big Olympic scoop.

And neither one will win any prizes until they get past that first Olympic paragraph.

Jim vs. Mike.

To be continued in Barcelona.