Nixon’s Stand-Up Stuff Enlivens a Name Game

Two hundred dollars to watch former President Richard Nixon and his son-in-law play Rotisserie? Two hundred dollars to sit under a red, white and blue-festooned circus tent, eat “Pasta Lasorda” and learn that Nixon considers Bobby Grich to be the greatest American League second baseman of the Watergate, er, “Expansion Era”?

It seemed totally outrageous, even for Republican-steeped Yorba Linda, until that moment when Maury Wills was asked by David Eisenhower what it takes to win and Nixon intercepted the exchange, blurting into the microphone:

“Steal.”

Worth the price of admission, right there.

Until then, a drab Nixon Library fund-raiser masquerading as “Nixon and Eisenhower Pick the All-Time Baseball Greats!” had been enough to send one nodding off, face down, into one’s own plateful of All-Time Great Baked Baseball Cake.

Eighty-four (!) players were designated, painstakingly assembled into six all-star teams by Nixon and Eisenhower and slotted into their respective eras--Yankee (1925-1959), Expansion (1960-1991) and Currently Active. Bobo Newsom made it. Robin Yount did not.

And they say the fans are doing a lousy job with the All-Star vote.

After windy elaboration by Eisenhower and mini-interviews with Wills, Johnny Bench, Johnny Mize and other assorted honorees in attendance, Nixon finally got the mike. The USC marching band played “Hail To The Chief,” the audience rose to its well-heeled feet and Nixon, shoving his left hand, Carson-like, into his left pants pocket, proceeded to do 20 minutes of stand-up--a Dan Aykroyd “Saturday Night Live” skit come to life.

“Buck Rodgers is here in a wheelchair,” Nixon told the crowd as he gestured toward the Angel manager’s table. “You can now see why I’m against busing.”

And: “Let me say one thing about the Angels. I want them to win while Gene Autry’s still around.”

And: “I was a Senators fan, particularly through the years I was in Washington as a congressman, senator, vice president and president. And I must say, you’ve got to be a real baseball fan to have been a fan of the Washington Senators. However, it was no easier being a fan of the Washington Senators then than it is to be a fan for some of the senators we’ve got in Washington today.”

And: “You know, if Casey Stengel had lived, I might have made him secretary of state. The reason for that is, to be a good diplomat, you’ve got to confuse the opposition--and, boy, Casey could do that. The opposition would never know what he was saying, but he would know. And that’s what you want in a secretary of state.”

As far as Republican humor goes, this was unusual. Funny--and not unintentional.

“No one loves baseball more than Richard Nixon,” says Peter Ueberroth, the former Commissioner who helped organize Wednesday’s affair. Tommy Lasorda once said that “If Nixon hadn’t chosen politics, he would have made millions as a manager.”

Nixon, and his library, did all right Wednesday, raking in $200 a head--$500 if you cared to attend a 45-minute pre-lunch reception with the President and his men--to be used for exhibits such as the one running currently, “Baseball! America’s Presidents and America’s Pastime.”

Amid the exclamation points, the exhibit features ceremonial baseballs that were tossed by Wilson, Truman and Kennedy; the three-fingered first baseman’s glove George Bush used at Yale; a softball once smacked by Jimmy Carter; a photo of Ronald Reagan sharing the Chicago Cubs microphone with Harry Caray; and huge mock lineup cards, substituting the names of former Presidents for Angels.

Polonia Taft Wilson Harding Coolidge Hoover Parrish Someone studied the names for a moment and surmised, “That’s a better lineup than the Angels have got right now.”

Nixon the fan wrote letters to his heroes, some of them framed and presented here. One letter was sent to a slumping Darryl Strawberry in July, 1989.

“Don’t let the boos get you down,” Nixon wrote. “All of the great hitters suffer slumps. I am confident that you will be the one who leads the Mets to another championship in 1989. Sincerely, Richard Nixon.”

Nixon is a baseball fan, not an expert. The Mets finished second in 1989, six games back. Strawberry wound up hitting .225.

Nixon took a safer tack as he wrapped up his gig with a political prediction.

“We’ve got three candidates this year,” he said. “You know, they all have one thing in common. They’re all left-handers. That’s never happened before.

“Now, as any baseball man will tell you, left-handers have a tendency to be wild. And Buck Rodgers tells me that left-handers are sometimes crazy. And I would have to say that these days, many people would say anybody’s got to be crazy to run for president.

“In any event, we’ve got these three left-handers. And as we near the time when we have to make a decision in November, this is what I think reflects what all of us feel:

“Our next president will be a left-hander.”

Nixon said he hoped the winner would not be wild, would not be crazy and would “emulate another left-hander and hit home runs for America the way Babe Ruth did.”

A nice thought to go out on.

Then again, Boots Days was left-handed, too.