Tips for Parents on How to Help Kids Succeed in School

Although there is no magic wand to turn all your child’s grades into A’s, to get him or her on the volleyball team or into the national spelling bee, there are ways in which parents can, through their support, encouragement and guidance, help their children cope successfully with the demands of school.

Here are tips to parents from some North County psychologists and educators:

Be a role model to your child

One of the most important ways kids learn is by watching their own parents, and one of the most important things they could learn is a love of learning itself.

“When parents have modeled enthusiasm for learning, for books, for actively being involved in life, kids are tremendously influenced. They soak up feelings and atmosphere,” said Kenneth Breeding, a psychologist and lead elementary counselor at the Vista Unified School District.

Parental influence also extends to how children handle stress, their diet and exercise habits, Breeding adds.

Establish specific times and routines for homework and study

According to Janet Depew, a counselor at Poway High School, children need such boundaries to feel secure. “It may mean less play time and less connection with their friends. They may balk at it in the beginning, but they will get used to it right away,” Depew said.

“They feel more comfortable knowing what to do, knowing what to expect and what is expected of them.”

Help your child to work independently

Although it is true that children need varying degrees of homework supervision depending on their age, parents always need to walk the fine line between supervising their child’s homework and actually doing it. “I think it is really difficult to know where the line has to be drawn, where you are going to be helping too much and making them dependent on you,” Depew said.

The results of too much help in homework can be devastating, often making the child dependent on the parent, losing all confidence in her own abilities, Depew said.

From her own experiences as a parent, teacher and mother, Depew has found that the “one-minute rule” works really well, especially with older children. “You spend one minute with the child, get her really started and then back off. You then let them work and check back intermittently to see how they are doing.”

Monitor your child’s television viewing

Awilda Verzaro, a bilingual kindergarten teacher at Bobier Elementary school in Vista, said unrestricted television viewing has often the effect of lowering a child’s attention span. In the classroom, she often encounters children who are unable to focus attention on what she is saying. “They are quiet and not misbehaving, but they are just staring,” said Verzaro.

Pamela Johnston, a Rancho Bernardo psychologist, also advocates close monitoring of children’s television habits. “Television makes kids anxious, especially younger kids if they see a lot of violence. The security is threatened in the child.”

Focus more on child’s efforts, less on end results

“Expect involvement and effort from your children, but don’t have too many expectations on what they can achieve,” Breeding said. Often, the high expectations of parents stem from their own unfulfilled needs and can overwhelm the child.

“It can also become a wedge in their relationship, becomes something that prevents them from being able to talk,” Breeding said. What will actually spur children to succeed is a recognition of their efforts.

“If they missed five in the spelling test, and they were really involved all week in learning, you don’t see the grade. You see the effort and say, ‘Boy, you really worked hard this week on these words. It must feel good to work at it this hard.’ ”

In fact, too much emphasis placed on marks and grades is often a cause of anxiety in the child, Johnston said. “Children want to please, they want to be accepted,” said Johnston, who specializes in treating anxiety. “And, when they think that they are not measuring up to parental expectations, they become anxious.”

Often, when they can’t verbalize their feelings, the anxiety manifests itself in different ways, such as a lowered attention span, sending them on a downward spiral in the classroom.

Share your own school experiences with your child

Talking about your experiences, both positive and negative, can be very reassuring for your child in times of transition, such as entering high school.

Do not downplay the negatives, cautions Depew. “Talking just about the fun is not fair. (You need to) help them realize that the change that is going to be taking place is fun, exciting and yes, scary. Share with them real specifics from your own experience,” she said. “Give them some insights, sharing even some of your own painful experiences, that you just didn’t escape it, that you also went through it.”

Give your child the tools to handle peer pressure

Adolescence can be a trying time for kid and parents, when peer pressure to try things that are “cool” can be very strong. Depew encourages parents to teach their kids to dare to be different and specific ways of saying no when they are being pressured to try things that can be harmful to them.

It is also a time for parents to try hard to keep the lines of communication open, Depew said. “Help them realize that you are there when they are being pressured, and they want to talk to you about what to do.”

Initiate and maintain contact with child’s teacher

“Often, parents are too timid about taking the responsibility for initiating contact with the teacher,” Breeding said. But, if the parent has introduced himself to the teacher and expressed interest and concern in his child, it makes way for a strong personal connection and paves the way for good communication when potential problems arise.

Depew also encourages parents to share any history of special problems at the beginning of the school year with the teacher. According to her, this shared information could be of great value to the teacher in his or her effort to stimulate the child.