What’s All of the Fuss About, Eh?

Hello, concierge? Can I get somebody in the hotel to take a memo. It’s confidential, going to Bill Dwyre, sports editor, L..A. Times. Get someone who’s discreet, OK? Here it is.”,

“Dear Bill,

“I don’t know as it was such a good idea sending me up here to this funny town to covert the Series. I mean, you know how I get. I get the bends when I ge to far from Hollywood and Vine, and Lord knows, these guys up here in the town they call ‘Tron’toe’ are even upset about their flag being held upside down. You know, I might get carried away and Lord knows what I’ll do to Canadian-American relations.

“I mean, first of all, I’m first to get cross because the Series isn’t in Yankee Stadium or Dodger Stadium where it belongs. You know me. I’ll slip up and say to someone, ‘Didn’t they used to hold World Series in major league cities? Is this an official World Series, or will they move it to Boston?

“Then I’m sure to say, ‘Shouldn’t Toronto be playing Toledo or Charleston or somebody? They are in the Internationa League or American Assn. aren’t they?

“I’ll probably ask, ‘Tell me, do they play it on skates up here?’ Or even say, ‘Toronto,’ is it near a big city?

“You know, I got all I know about Canada from Nelson Eddy-Jeanette MacDonald movies. “Indian Love Call” and all that.

“I’m sure to say, ‘Why does everybody talk funny, eh?’ I might even ask how many ‘o’s’ there are in ‘out’ or ‘about,’ or worse yet, say, I thought you all spoke French up here.’

I get depressed just thinking about the trouble I’ll cause. You know I’ll ask somebody, ‘Who does Canada belong to now?’ And I might compound it by saying, if you’re independent, how come you have the Queen’s picture on your money?’ ”

“I’ll be no help at all in the flag controversy. I’ll just say ‘How in the world would anybody know which side is up? It’s just a picture of a weed. How’s come you don’t have a real flag with stars and everything on it? The marines probably thought this was just an ad for a nursery. ‘You can see where that will be no help at all. I mean,the Marine corps has apologized, the President has apologized, for all I know, Frank Sinatra or Bruce Springsteen will apologize to them. The least I can do is shut up.

“And this stadium they’re so proud of. Boss, did you know they got a hotel in centerfield?I’ll ask them ‘What is this, a ballpark--or a Holiday Inn?’Or ‘How’s come you got bases in the lobby?!’How’ you like to try to go to sleep at night with 50, 000 people screaming ‘Outta the lot, Joe!’or ‘We will, we will, rock you’?’They got a Hard Rock cafe and souvenir shops. It’s just a complicated mall.

“They got a retractable roof on the joint. They pry it open in summer. Both days. I know because I had a friend who came up here once in July and said ‘I wanted to see what your summer was like. ‘And they said ‘You just missed it--it was last Tuesday. ‘

“They like to brag they drew 4 million fans to the ballpark two years in a row. But you know me. I’m a cinch to say ‘What the hell else is there to do in Toronto?!It’s the only place open after 9 o’clock. Or on Sunday. ‘

“They’re real proud of their city. They think it’s Paris. So you can imagine how it will go over when they ask me what I think of their city and I say ‘Well, it reminds me of two Bridgeports. ‘I just better hope they’ve never been to Bridgeport.

“They get real hot at you when you ask how cold it gets when winter really comes--it was only down to about 21 Wednesday. But, they don’t get so mad they won’t be down in Palm Springs again this January.

“Of course, a man’s first World Series is hard on him. New York or L. A. can get blase. But, here, they take it big--although I suspect they think they get the Stanley Cup if they win it.

“It was a god thing they had that roof on Wednesday. A gelid rain which wss trying hard to be sleet was falling and they would have needed a Zamboni between innings.

“I wouldn’t call the Blue Jays a great team --they wouldn’t put you in mind of the great World Series teams, the Ruth Yankees, the Koufax-Drysdale Dodgers. They look like they belong in the high minors, if you know what I mean.

“But, they’ve now beaten the Atlanta Braves with mirrors two games in a row and, if they bear down, they might end this Series in five.

“They don’t blow you out, they just kind of stick their tongue out at you and say ‘Ya ya!Ya missed me!’

“They get the breaks. Take Wednesday night. The Atlanta Braves, with the game tied 1-1, had a rally going. There was no one out, men on first and second, when Atlanta’s Dave Justice almost became the second man in World Series history to hit into a triple play. He would have been the first guy in history to hit into a triple play by hitting the ball 400-plus feet.

“What happened was, the Toronto centerfielder, Devon White, caught that 400- foot shot--so unlikely a prospect that Atlanta’s base-runner, Terry Pendleton, just put his head down and began to tear around the bases. In the course of his dash, he passed the baserunner who was on second, Deion Sanders. That’s a no-no. He was out. If the centerfielder had known that, he would have tossed the relay in to second and tripled Deion Sanders. But, he threw to first. Even so, they almost caught Deion. Lots of people thought they did.

“That play turned the game around--as Atlanta manager Bobby Cox admitted later.

“Toronto also got a home run from a guy who was 0-for-23 in the Series at the time.

“Toronto won the game in the bottom of the 9th when they loaded the bases and the batter, Candy Maldonado, lofted a fly to center which went over the heads of the drawn-in outfielders but which, even if caught, would have won the game with the swift Robbie Alomar on third.

“I think Toronto’s victory is a tribute to that Nirvana of a baseball frontoffice--the trade that helps both clubs. It almost never occurs in nature. Usually, a trade swaps one disappontment for another and they both remain the same. But, in this case, Toronto traded the slugger, Fred McGriff, and the shortstop, Tony Fernandez for the slugger Joe Carter--and the second baseman, Robbie Alomar.

“Carter hit his second home run of the Series, and Alomar scored the winning run Wednesday. “So, maybe the world championship will go north of the border for the first time in the game’s history. They’ll be happy. Leave them that way. Maybe you better get me out of here before I ask them what they do with the moose at rush hour or if they’ve ever thought of becoming the 52nd state. It’s not couth. “