Family Business : When Colleagues Act Like Siblings, Childhood Dynamics Go to Work

As she looked around her office one day, an Orange County bank manager suddenly felt as if she were in the midst of a family gathering.

“I realized that my employees were acting more like siblings than co-workers,” says the manager who asked not to be identified. “For instance, one employee is everyone’s big brother. Whenever someone can’t finish a project or is having problems, he readily jumps in to help.”

This isn’t a unique scenario, says psychologist Amy Stark, Ph.D., author of “Because I Said So: Recognize the Influence of Childhood Dynamics on Office Politics and Take Charge of Your Career” (Pharis Books, $19.95).

“The place we refer to as ‘home’ is actually the site of our on-the-job training,” says Stark, who is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Santa Ana, specializing in individual and family therapy. She also assists businesses with management and employee training. “Our parents are our first supervisors, and our siblings our first co-workers.”

It’s only natural, says Stark, that we gravitate toward a home environment in the office. If we’re accustomed to babying a demanding younger sibling, then helping out an often needy co-worker will feel comfortable to us. Of course, we usually don’t consciously know what we’re doing.

Sometimes our actions may even lead to feelings of animosity.

“I have a supervisor who was forced to take care of everyone in her family,” says the bank manager. “She does the same thing here, but resents it.”

In her book, Stark outlines a variety of childhood family roles which explain why some people act the way they do in the office.

“The responsible child” is the one parents ask to take care of things because he or she is the oldest or smartest. This is the person on whom parents use the line: “We’re counting on you.”

This results in an employee who parents his or her co-workers and takes on too much responsibility. “Because they’re so used to being in charge, they sometimes even take on responsibility that doesn’t belong to them and make decisions they shouldn’t be making,” Stark says.

In contrast, “babies,” who are usually the youngest siblings, look for co-workers who will pamper them, Stark says. “They expect to have special treatment,” she says. “And they often plea for help, using statements like: ‘Help me. You’re better at this than I am.’ Or ‘Could you talk to her for me?’ ”

Some “babies,” react against having been babied. They will resent it when someone shows them what to do and push away help they might need.

An “only child” can also have trouble with co-workers, Stark says. “Because only children have no siblings, they miss out on lessons about sharing and teamwork that can only be learned when living with siblings,” she says. “When they enter the work world, they are expected to share responsibility with co-workers, but all they really know is how to be boss. As a result, they may attempt to take over, which other workers resent.”

Another personality type who can cause friction in the office is “the perfect one.”

“This person was raised feeling the need to be perfect and not make mistakes,” Stark says. “He or she wants to look like the best in the office and will do whatever is necessary to come up smelling like a rose.”

To accomplish this feat, the perfect one may run to the boss and express innocence when there is a problem. This worker also gets lots of exercise pointing fingers.

When it comes to receiving blame, “the rebel” often gets singled out, Stark says.

“Rebels don’t like to follow rules,” she says. “They have constant conflict with authority figures, which makes them unpopular with management and other workers, who become resentful at all of the attention rebels receive. They are also often scapegoats, getting blamed for everything that goes wrong.”

Another person who creates office havoc is “the maverick.” Mavericks are talented, bright and very able, but constantly push boundaries in an attempt to be unique, Stark says. “They don’t conform, yet they don’t rebel,” she says. “Mavericks do their work, but don’t completely follow the rules, which can be frustrating for management and other workers.”

“The buddy” plays peer to management. “For some reason, this child was privy to adult information. This often occurs during divorce and in dysfunctional marriages,” Stark says. “As a result, the buddy enters the work world expecting to have a close alliance with his or her supervisor.”

Some managers do strike up close relationships and share personal issues. Problems arise, though, if the manager must discipline the buddy. The buddy becomes outraged and exclaims, “I thought you were my friend!” Co-workers also become irritated with the special treatment the buddy receives.

Don’t be alarmed if you didn’t recognize yourself in any of these categories. These are only some sibling personality types, Stark says.

If, however, you identified yourself, a co-worker or employee, there are steps you can take to improve your work environment.

Understanding why co-workers or employees act the way they do really helps, says the bank manager.

“Before I viewed my employee’s behavior as negative. Now I have a better understanding of what motivates them,” she says. “You can’t change other people, but you can change how you react to them, which will change how they act.”

When you work with a “responsible person” or manage such a worker, Stark urges you not to dump too much on him or her. “They are valuable employees,” she says. “Don’t burn them out.”

If you recognize yourself as a “responsible person,” Stark says, “Learn to say no. You don’t have to do everything and be responsible for everyone. Stop doing too much.”

Never give in to the demands of a “baby,” Stark warns. “Don’t be alarmed by babies who throw temper tantrums and react by giving them what they want,” she says. “You will make poor management decisions that negatively affect the entire office. Instead let them know that their childish behavior is inappropriate.”

When you’re a baby and find yourself using “my-way” tactics and temper tantrums or giving power to others, realize that your behavior prevents you from being perceived as an equal to your office peers.

If you manage “only children,” don’t let them have their way either. “Encourage them to work problems out with their co-workers before coming to you,” Stark says.

“Only children” who have difficulty working with other employees must develop teamwork and conflict resolution skills. “Focus on effective solutions, rather than having your own way,” Stark says.

As manager of a “perfect one,” realize that the name is a contradiction in terms. No employee is going to be perfect. Be wary of a worker who points fingers and presents himself or herself as beyond reproach.

Perfect ones need to realize that it’s OK not to be perfect. “Don’t blame other workers for your failures,” Stark says. “Improve your relationship with employees by taking responsibility for your part of what goes wrong.”

Managers of “rebels” must realize that ignoring their behavior will only create resentment among the staff, Stark says. “During these tight economic times it may be necessary to let such workers go,” Stark says. “But at the same time, don’t make the mistake of blaming them for everything that goes wrong.”

If you see yourself as a rebel, “get some help to understand your self-destructive tendencies,” Stark says. “It’s important to discover why you make poor choices.”

Managers of “mavericks” must avoid being overly strict or lenient, Stark says. “Don’t let them run wild, but don’t demand strict adherence to rules. Trying to make such people conform stifles their creativity.”

Mavericks should be more particular about how they want to appear unique. “If you take stands all the time, you are no longer effective,” she says. “Make interesting points every once in a awhile and people will listen.”

Supervisors in “buddy” situations must realize that it’s impossible to be a friend and an authority figure. “You can’t socialize one minute and reprimand the next,” Stark says.

Buddies must see that the boss is in charge and that they can benefit from some direction. “Make friends with people outside of the office,” she says.

To create a productive, comfortable office environment it’s important that all employees act like responsible co-workers instead of siblings at odds, Stark says. “When conflicts arise in the office, don’t point fingers. Instead, join forces to come up with a solution that benefits everyone.”