Trying to Find One Who Looks Like a Winner

The headlines lately have me confused.

Bush, Clinton Trading Punches Cincinnati Chooses Perez Perot Closing In on the Outside Colorado Appoints Baylor Bush Rallying While Clinton Sits on Lead Kennedy Wins in Texas Baseball teams keep hiring new managers, and the American public is about to hire a new President, and the breaking news pours in at such a frenzied pace that you can’t tell the front page of the newspaper from the sports section.

Let’s see, is that the Seattle Mariners or the American voters who are now down to three candidates?

If you can’t keep up, don’t give up. Since the political pundits have already turned this Tuesday into the Super Bowl/the NBA Finals/the Kentucky Derby/the sporting allusion of your choice, let us keep the language universal. Come Tuesday, we are all general managers of our own baseball team, the same baseball team.

Who do you want to manage it?

GEORGE BUSH

Bats: Left.

Throws: Left.

Leans: Right.

Career Highlights: Has managed the Yankees since 1988, often suffering from comparisons to the man he replaced, “Gipper” Reagan, a longtime fan favorite. Has been unable to sustain the momentum achieved under Reagan, largely because Reagan’s “win now” philosophy ran up a $4 trillion payroll, bled the farm system dry and forced Bush to cope by raising ticket prices despite repeated assurances he never would.

Record on the road considerably better than record at home. Claims to have defeated Iraq in the 1991 World Series despite pulling his team from the field with a three-games-to-none lead.

Strategies have fluctuated greatly over the years. First it was pitching and defense. Then it was power and speed. Then back to pitching and defense. Then back to power and speed. Willing to try bunting-and-praying or wearing uniforms inside out or whatever strikes the mood of the front office that particular morning. Says he is “willing to do whatever it takes to win.”

Was roundly criticized for his selection of Dan (Wild Thing) Quayle as pitching coach. As team slumped badly in 1992, was forced to withstand movement within organization to replace him with Pat (Nails) Buchanan. Has a special fondness for former Detroit Tigers slugger Willie Horton.

BILL CLINTON

Bats: Left.

Throws: Left.

Leans: Left.

Career Highlights: Took over ailing Arkansas farm team in 1979, was fired in 1980, rehired in 1983 and had team playing .500 again by 1992. Biggest statistical gains, however, were made by the lowest-salaried players--utility infielders and mop-up relief pitchers. Unpopular among players making more than $200,000, others considered him the “ultimate player’s manager” because his teams were noted for having no curfew, no bed check and great parties.

Never played in the major leagues--he opposed the draft on “moral grounds”--although Republican statistical researchers claim he played with the Reds in the late 1960s. Was briefly embroiled in a smokeless tobacco controversy this year. Clinton admitted he did chew, once, “but I didn’t like it, and I didn’t spit.”

Wants to rebuild a slumping team, but has not yet decided how. Says he is pro-farm system, pro-free agent, pro-trade, pro-waiver wire and pro-open tryout for the neighborhood over-the-line players--all at the same time.

Favors aluminum bats over wooden for environmental reasons. Has memorized the Baseball Encyclopedia and can recite the infield fly rule at the drop of a hat, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the room. Has a special fondness for former California Angel outfielder Bubba Morton.

ROSS PEROT

Bats: Left.

Throws: Left.

Leans: “Any which way I want to--and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”

Career Highlights: Nickname is “The Little General.” Self-made billionaire who believes you can buy a pennant, and pretty much anything else. Noted for an unorthodox managerial style--such as employing no coaching staff. “Gotta do it yourself, America,” says Perot, who plans, if hired, to act as batting coach, pitching coach, first base coach, third base coach, bullpen coach, outfield coach, traveling secretary, bat boy and play-by-play announcer. Believes assistant coaches are “the leading cause of organizational gridlock in this country” and offer nothing more than “Mickey Mouse tossed salad” advice that Perot wouldn’t listen to anyway.

Has been compared to another old manager from Texas, Eddie Stanky, who once joined the American League pennant race only to drop out several days later. “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen,” Perot says. So he did. Then he bought another kitchen and had it air-conditioned and media-proofed. Now only Larry King is allowed inside.

Promises to be a “fully electronic manager,” which means he will hold no team meetings and instead buy 30-minute television spots to address his players about the importance of lowering the team earned-run average, assisted by many colorful bar graphs and pie charts.

“It won’t be pretty,” he says, “but if we all pitch in, it’ll be fun.” Has a special fondness for former Electronic Data Systems Chairman H. Ross Perot.

We repeat: Who do you want to manage your team?

What’s that you say?

Yes, I’m afraid I have to agree.

It is a shame Casey Stengel isn’t running.