Finding Time for Baseball’s Needs

The front offices of 28 major league baseball teams still haven’t found what they’re looking for, so they have come to Louisville, Ky., to the annual winter meetings, to eat, drink, run roughshod over the expense account, buy a few rounds for the writers, leak rumors, spread gossip, abuse room service, schedule golf and pretend they are trying to improve the team for next season.

“We are here to address our needs,” they say.

Sure they are.

Who has time for that?

They’re only in town for four days.

But in the event they do happen to shake loose a spare minute or five, this, then, is what needs to be done before leaving Louisville:

The Cincinnati Reds need to buy a muzzle for Schottzie. And get one for her pet dog, too.

The Toronto Blue Jays need to plunge into the free-agent market. A lot of big names are out there--Joe Carter, Dave Winfield, David Cone, Jimmy Key, Tom Henke.

The Dodgers need to spend some money on a shortstop. Or spend some money on the one they already have, Jose Offerman. Throwing lessons and a stepladder for first baseman Eric Karros--that’s a start.

The Detroit Tigers need to wine and dine Whitey Herzog, wine him some more, distract him with some always-entertaining old Kirk Gibson hunting stories . . . and then, long into the early-morning hours, slip him Mickey Tettleton for Jim Abbott. If you thought Detroit went crazy over Mark Fidrych, just wait until Abbottmania grips the town. They’ll be burning cars with every start.

The New York Yankees need to explain, if they make good on their promise to sign Wade Boggs, Greg Maddux and David Cone, how they intend to pay for them.

The Pittsburgh Pirates need Doug Drabek, Bonds, Bobby Bonilla, John Smiley, Jose Lind, Steve Buechele and Danny Jackson.

The Houston Astros need to reflect upon their recent free-agent signings of Drabek and Greg Swindell, as well as the man who made it all possible, John McMullen. McMullen sold the Astros to a true eccentric, Drayton McClane Jr., who actually believes in paying good players what they’re worth and, get this, keeping them in Houston. When Nolan Ryan heard the news, he fell off his tractor.

The Angels need to trade for Bryan Harvey.

The Cleveland Indians need to turn the music down, let go of the chandelier and take those stupid lampshades off their heads. They also need to stop that infernal singing--”We finished fourth, and we can do it again!!” The neighbors are starting to complain.

The Texas Rangers need to make that Roger Clemens trade. Then they need to bring back the old knucklemeister, Charlie Hough, and stick him in the rotation between Clemens and Ryan. Imagine being an opposing hitter heading into a three-game series against Clemens, Hough and Ryan. And no Dramamine in the clubhouse.

The Boston Red Sox need hitters. When in your lifetime did you ever expect to read that sentence?

The Minnesota Twins need to send Jack Morris a thank-you bouquet for keeping his nose, his advice and his agent’s phone number out of the Kirby Puckett negotiations.

The San Diego Padres need to RSVP to next month’s executive seminar, “How to Cynically, Systemically Dump All Your High-Priced Players and Make the Fans Think It’s a Youth Movement.” Guest speaker: Jackie Autry.

The New York Mets need more trades with the Padres.

The Atlanta Braves need Reggie Jackson, not Bonds. Unless the idea is to keep losing every October.

The Chicago White Sox need to relent and pay the Bobby Thigpen kidnappers whatever they want. It has been more than a year now.

The Seattle Mariners need nine guys who hit relief pitchers as hard as Lou Piniella does.

The Oakland Athletics need to explain, after Ruben Sierra signs with the Florida Marlins, how they could trade Jose Canseco for Bobby Witt, straight up.

The San Francisco Giants need to send the City of St. Petersburg a very, very, very large sausage-and-cheese gift pack for Christmas.

The Baltimore Orioles need to know that getting a “name” to play right field does not mean putting a Chito or a Mercedes out there.

The Kansas City Royals need to concentrate on their in-state recruiting. A couple of free agents named Joe Carter and Ozzie Smith reside within the same area code.

The Chicago Cubs need to re-Cygn Maddux, soon, or else, it’s Cyonara. To say nothing of competitive suiCyde.

The Montreal Expos need to start printing playoff tickets. And, then, after they beat Houston in the National League playoffs and Toronto gets by Chicago in the American League, Commissar Selig needs to rename the World Series. How about “the Grey Cup”?

The Philadelphia Phillies need to continue collecting Abbotts.

The St. Louis Cardinals need to move to Phoenix. Bill Bidwill would get 25 more potential season-ticket buyers--doubling the current total--and there would be no one in the stands to notice that Ozzie Smith was gone.

The Milwaukee Brewers need their new triple-A manager to win many more games than he loses. Think how grim the Bando household will be next Christmas if Sal, the Brewer general manager, has to fire little brother Chris.

The Colorado Rockies and the Florida Marlins need another expansion draft. How does next Tuesday sound?