Toying Around With the Future

Poor Clement Clark Moore: Sugarplum visions no longer dance in children’s heads. Today’s holiday urchins greedily dream of stuffed Barney dinosaurs and digital hedgehogs. Or they want a Street Fighters game for their Super Nintendo system, and they want it now!

Alas, Christmas’ magnificent obsession is often New Year’s forlorn reject; that’s what short attention spans are for. But new technology inevitably spawns new toys. That’s why the toy and video game business now tops $14 billion in annual sales. What future playthings might children plead, prod and pester their poor parents for in holiday years to come?

If we could peer back from the next century--say, 2002--what nascent toys will have emerged to redefine childhood? Marketeers from Hasbro to Mattel to Nintendo are welcome to take notes on these speculations:

* SoftPetz--excuse me, “animal companions.” During Christmas of 1994, the Street Fighters are moved aside for a multimedia menagerie. Perfect for the urban child or wee one who has trouble coping with living things. These little creatures live in home computers where they purr, bark and visibly brighten whenever their young owner switches them on.

Cute, trainable and rigorously modeled on the attributes of domestic animals that induce human affection, these SoftPetz offer children not-quite-unconditional warmth and responsiveness. You have to buy them “food” and, after the child really becomes hooked, the softpet is programmed to whimper and die. Whereupon mom and dad have to shell out another $29.95 to download special Lazarus software to bring Junior’s faux Fido back to life.

* Mr. Genetically Engineered Potato Head. In 1995, children everywhere went wild when their favorite spudmeister was adapted to capture the full potential of botanical biotechnology. Instead of sticking plastic parts into the potato, Mr. Genetically Engineered Potato Head provides a full complement of tuber enzymes and hormones. Consequently, the potato can “grow” ears, eyes, noses and beards that are astonishingly “real.” You can even use these organics to breed potato heads that look like Bill Clinton, Madonna, Axl Rose and Dan Quayle.

A 4H-sponsored contest for “Most Thoughtful Head” inspired nearly a million entrants. This educational toy was endorsed by the National Science Foundation as giving American children a competitive edge in grasping the basic principles of plant biotechnology.

* The Solar AeroDiscMaster. Blending the aerodynamic principles of the Frisbee with the computational power of microelectronics, the AeroDiscMaster redefined high-tech/high-touch toys. A cheap but brilliantly engineered microprocessor turns what appears to be an ordinary Frisbee into a superbly designed guided missile. The AeroDiscMaster responds to a simple transmission signal emitted by special gloves worn by the players. Once the AeroDiscMaster is hurled, it minutely alters its angle of attack in order to head directly into the receiver’s waiting hand. Of course, the receiver can run around, waving their gloved hand, and watch the AeroDiscMaster maneuver in flight. Don’t worry about recharging those batteries: the AeroDiscMaster is solar-powered and thus ecologically correct.

* The Young Dr. Frankenstein Virus Construction Kit. As much as the authorities hate it, the $19.95 Virus Construction Kit becomes one of the hottest home computer products of 1994--sort of the vile digital counterpart to the Garbage Pail Kids that so nauseated parents in the early ‘90s. Basically, this program lets the little hell-raiser design and build his very own “safe” computer virus. The menu-driven target identifier enables Young Dr. Frankenstein to pick dad’s or Aunt Minnie’s PC for infection. The VI, or Virulence Indicator, lets Junior determine whether the target PC will merely lose an occasional character or cause the machine to go into a seizure (which, of course, can be safely dealt with--assures the Young Dr. Frankenstein Virus Construction Kit manufacturer). The kit also enables Junior to determine the relative stealthiness of the virus as well as its reproductive rate. Needless to say, the Great White Virus Hunter Destruction Set is a subsequent bestseller.

* SmartRox: Almost--but not quite--the counterpart to the AeroDiscMaster, SmartRox are made of Nerf-like material and re-energized by light. Powered by internal flywheels, SmartRox are built to be chased. Great for children of all ages, the heat-sensitive SmartRox roll, bounce, scurry and ricochet away from young, grasping hands. Turn 10 of them loose in a room and watch them--and the kids--go! Under sofas, under chairs--they’re great for Easter Egg hunts. Unfortunately, the manufacturer faced a multimillion-dollar lawsuit when a rambunctious 5-year-old chased one down the stairs just a little too enthusiastically.

* The L’il Ms. Tattler Doll. This doll made the cover of Time-Warner magazine in 1997 as the most popular purchase by baby-boomer parents. Nervous, noise-sensitive parents love this superb packaging of audio-video recording technology. Using the latest data compression technology, L’il Ms. Tattler records every relevant sound and image of your child at play. Want to find out “Who started it?” L’il Ms. Tattler knows. Worried about who the baby-sitter has over on Friday nights? Just ask the Tattler! Can also be programmed to say, “Hush! You’ll disturb mommy and daddy!” when the pre-programmed decibel level is exceeded. Needless to say, L’il Ms. Tattler comes in an undisclosed number of shapes and sizes.