Guiltless Guide to Leaving Children With Sitters : With proper planning, your getaway can be a refreshing experience for all members of the family.

Before Dr. Jeffrey Fireman and his wife left on a Caribbean cruise last winter--without their children--Fireman sat down at his computer and wrote what he refers to as a 10-page “cruise guide.” His guide, however, was not for the ship but for the grandparents who would baby-sit during the week Fireman and his wife were away.

“The kids don’t see their grandparents often,” explained Fireman, a Sherman Oaks pediatrician and father of an 8-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter. “This was like a vacation for them, too.” Fireman’s “guide” covered everything from wake-up to bedtime, from the children’s play dates, to the clothes they liked to wear to school, the foods they preferred, the TV programs they were permitted to watch and the requisite emergency phone numbers.

The trip, Fireman reports, was a great success for everyone. “We didn’t want to come back,” he said, laughing. Detailed preparation made the experience possible, because the parents were comforted by knowing their children’s needs were being met. “When parents go away they should be as specific as possible in their instructions. No matter what the children’s ages, the more consistent their routine, the more comfortable they’ll be.”

Parents, too. Inevitably they feel guilty, when they head off without the kids--even just for a weekend. They wonder what the neighbors will think. They worry how the children will cope.

In fact, there was outrage everywhere when a suburban Chicago couple took a Mexican holiday over Christmas, and left their two young daughters at home alone. They were arrested upon their return and charged with child abandonment.

Quite the contrary, most parents cover every base and then some before they walk out the door. That won’t salve the conscience, of course. And the younger the kids, the worse parents probably feel. With toddlers just grappling with separation anxiety, some parents prefer shorter trips. With older children, the concern may be that they will use parental absence as an opportunity to break family rules and give the baby-sitter a hard time.

But take comfort. Experts say that a respite from the kids is as good for them as it is for you. And remember, they’ll always behave better when another adult--someone other than a parent--is in charge.

I learned that firsthand recently when my husband and I took a second honeymoon to the Caribbean island of Antigua and left my in-laws in charge of our three children. Eight-year-old Matt, known in the family for his sometimes wild antics, is definitely getting a bad rap, my in-laws insisted when we returned. His behavior was perfect. Matt smiled slyly at the telling.

“When you go away, it sends a message to kids that Mom and Dad think they can handle things OK. It helps build self-esteem and confidence,” said Dr. Michael Silver, a child psychiatrist who is associate medical director of the Philadelphia Child Guidance Clinic.

At the same time, Silver added, you’re showing the kids that your entire life doesn’t revolve around them. “It’s a good role model: an adult who has a well-rounded existence.” And should this occur occasionally--even if just overnight--the practice will become an accepted part of family routine.

Especially now as many couples are juggling two jobs and family life, they need time away together to focus on their relationship, Silver said, just as single parents need time to focus on themselves. “Trips alone are a necessary luxury for my wife and me,” he said.

“It was so rejuvenating,” agreed Martha Melvoin, who lives in Los Angeles and left her two sons, aged 5 and 7, for a long weekend in Santa Fe with her husband. “It was wonderful to get away and realize we still care for each other so much. We came back feeling like life is terrific.”

Rather than leave their children in the care of family members, who live far away, the Melvoins hired one of their son’s preschool teachers plus a favored sitter, who filled in a few hours during the day. But still, Melvoin worried . . . if only just a little.

“You think the first day the kids can’t survive without you. But once you get away, everyone’s fine.”

The experts agree that it helps to tell the kids your plans once you’ve got them firmed up. And then, “Go into the trip with positive expectations,” Silver advised. “Start out thinking it will be fun for everyone.”

That will be made all the easier if the children are cared for by someone they know well and like. Grandparents are always a favorite. And if the breakneck pace of your household seems like it could be a bit too much for a visiting sitter, hire extra sitters to help out. That’s what we did--going so far as to have one sitter sleep over to help with our toddler at night. “We didn’t have to do any work,” my mother-in-law reported happily. “We had plenty of time to enjoy the kids.”

That was the point, of course. And the kids loved the extra attention. If you don’t have grandparents handy, try your preschool or child care center, as the Melvoins did. Young teachers frequently are glad to be of service.

Don’t forget to build in fun-time for the kids, too: Plan for the sitter to take them to the movies or out for a hamburger. Arrange a sleep over for your daughter or a skating date for your son. And above all, make sure the kids know who’s in charge.

For the preschool-set, who might be more anxious about your absence, try leaving a calendar that can be marked off daily until the date of your return. Leave an audio tape of yourselves that says “This is Tuesday . . . . mommy and I are . . . . today.” Have the children keep a diary of their week and you keep one too. You can have fun literally exchanging notes when you return. Call to check in a few times, if you can.

Don’t worry if your toddler won’t speak to you when you return. Just go back to your regular routine, the experts say, and he or she will come around in a day or two.

And whatever you do, don’t forget the gifts. But you might do better to skip the native doll in favor of a Barbie or video game you bought and stashed before you left.