CORONA DEL MAR : Parents Get Advice From One Another

Before Peter Carmichael heads off to a party these days, he has come to expect a series of questions from his mother, Bev Carmichael: Where is it? Will alcohol be served? Will parents be there? Is there a phone number where I can reach you?

Bev Carmichael and about 250 other parents in Corona del Mar are members of Parents Who Care, a group designed to help them understand their children’s behavior and combat peer pressure.

The parents hope that by sharing their experiences they will become more knowledgeable about their children’s social lives and be hipper to the warning signs of social decay.

“My mom’s been a lot more observant nowadays, like strict. She asks a lot of questions,” said Peter Carmichael, 18, a senior at Corona del Mar High School. “She gets together with that group, and they compare all the kids’ lies and figure us out. They’ve gotten wise to us.”

That’s right, says Mary Fletcher, mother of two teen-agers and a leader of Parents Who Care. “Parents have got to talk to each other, because the kids are talking to each other, and they’re manipulative.”

The group, which is recruiting parents of elementary school children as well as high school parents, is growing fast, Fletcher said.

Meetings are held monthly at Corona del Mar High School, where parents get to know each other and listen to school administrators, teachers, police and psychologists talk about parenting issues.

Curfews, teen dating, drugs, gangs and AIDS top the list of concerns.

“Kids are being asked to make decisions in tough areas at younger ages today,” Fletcher said. “They’re teen-agers, and teen-agers need supervision and guidance.”

Debbie Smith said her eighth-grade son told her he was going to go trick-or-treating with his friends last Halloween, when his plans really involved getting together with friends to continue a holiday tradition of raising havoc in the Harbor View neighborhood.

She wasn’t fooled, however, because she checked with other parents, and one of them remembered being warned by police about the “neighborhood tradition.” Together, they restricted their children.

Like Smith, other parents are talking more about parenting, seeking help and support.

“A baby doesn’t come with an owner’s manual,” Fletcher said. “If you network with other parents, then you feel more comfortable with saying ‘no’ without feeling bad.”

Fletcher helped her ninth-grade daughter organize a treasure hunt for a group of juniors and seniors at Fashion Island Newport Beach before they attended a school dance. After the dance, a couple of parents had the kids “party” in their home under their supervision, Fletcher said.

The activity was an alternative to a dance that might have included alcohol-equipped limousines and all-night parties at hotel rooms.

“Renting limos and hotel rooms used to be accepted and expected behavior,” Fletcher said. “We parents got to talking and found out that none of us liked that. That wasn’t appropriate behavior.”

Parenting “is like uncharted waters. It’s a difficult and lonely thing, and to be able to talk to others about it is wonderful,” she added.

Parents Who Care next meets Tuesday at 7 p.m. to hear B. David Brooks, president of the Jefferson Center for Character Education, talk about how parental involvement creates responsibility and confidence in children.

“Our next step will be to include our children,” Fletcher said.