Guardian Angel : Gonzales Challenges Himself to Be Strong for His Ailing Mother

Rene Gonzales gazes into the Anaheim Stadium stands, his eyes squinting in desperate anticipation, only to wince each game the seat is empty.

Countless times this season, perhaps too many to admit, he has permitted his mind to drift in the middle of a game.

It usually occurs between innings, sometimes while standing on the field during pitching changes or waiting in the on-deck circle. He attempts to dismiss the thought, but that empty seat never entirely leaves his mind.

This is where his mother, Dolores, should be sitting. She always has been his biggest fan, hauling him to Little League games in the Los Angeles area, encouraging him not to give up his dreams and becoming ecstatic when he returned to Southern California to play baseball.

But in what should be the most glorious time of Gonzales’ life, opening the season as the Angels’ starting third baseman, his mother has been unable to come out and see him.

Dolores Gonzales, 65, has stomach cancer.

Dolores was diagnosed with a malignant tumor just before the Christmas holidays. She underwent a 5 1/2-hour surgery to remove the tumor, and now is undergoing chemotherapy treatments that take nearly all her body’s energy.

It will be months before the traumatic sessions end, and then will come the waiting to see if all the cancer cells have been destroyed.

“You feel so helpless, so damn helpless,” Gonzales says softly. “My mom means the world to me, and to see her go through something like this just isn’t fair.

“She’s never hurt anyone. She doesn’t have an enemy in this world. Everyone loves her.

“For this to happen. . . .”

Gonzales stops talking, slowly rubs his eyes and sniffs. This is more difficult than he thought. How can he explain to a stranger how he feels, when he barely can even talk about the cancer to his closest friends.

“He’s like a brother to me, we’re so close,” said Oriole outfielder Brady Anderson, a former teammate in Baltimore. “But it’s rare when we talk about it. You’ve got to know his family to know what he’s going through. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a family that’s so close.

“He’s a private person, and keeps an awful lot to himself, but I know this is bothering him an awful lot.

“I figure it’s probably best not to talk about when we’re together, because when he’s alone, that’s all he thinks about.”

Gonzales, 30, a utility player virtually his entire career, realizes how much is at stake this season. This is the first time he has opened the season as an everyday player, and with Kelly Gruber scheduled to come off the disabled list in June, there will be a new challenger for his job.

Yet, he was willing to miss the first few weeks of spring training this year to stay with his mother and comfort his father. It was only after his parents insisted he report to spring training, that Gonzales reluctantly departed for Arizona.

Although it’s difficult for him to travel, he phones home daily. His father, Ben, a former minor league player, always tells him everything is fine.

Gonzales knows Ben is not always telling the truth.

“Their first concern has always been for me, and my brother, Phillip,” Gonzales said. “They didn’t even tell me right away that mom was undergoing chemotherapy. They didn’t want me worrying about everything during spring training.

“I was really thinking about staying back and not going to spring training. My head wasn’t right anyway, so I thought it might be better that I stick around and help out.

“But my mom, she wouldn’t listen. She said, ‘You want me to be happy? You go out and play. That’s what will make me the happiest.’

“Can you believe that?”

When the Angels play, Dolores tries to stay up to listen to the games. If she falls asleep, Ben will fill her in on the details.

She believes it was a gift from God that her son returned to Southern California last year to play for the Angels. It always upset her that Rene was so far from home, playing for Montreal, Baltimore and Toronto in the first 10 years of his professional career.

Now, he is home, where she could fix him home-cooked meals and pamper him.

“That’s what makes this so difficult,” Gonzales says. “Last year was the first time they got to see me play. My mom has so much fun coming to games, and loved watching to see how I played every game.

“I don’t want to see that taken away from her.”

Gonzales realizes all this could be a justifiable excuse for a poor start. But he and his parents discussed this.

“My mom and dad told me that if I don’t do well,” Gonzales said, “that would be the worst excuse. Really, the way they put it, it would be no excuse.

“Still, it’s so weird. I’ve never taken any problem or concern on the field in my life. I never even thought about anything else but baseball when I was out there.

“Now, it’s one of the first things I think about when I’m on the field, and it never goes away.”

Gonzales has used it to inspire rather than distract him. He’s batting .250 this season with a team-leading .417 on-base percentage, and has played superb defense.

Angel Manager Buck Rodgers says he might have the finest defensive third baseman in the American League, and as his teammates will attest, no one is more popular in the clubhouse.

“I expect a lot from myself, and I know this team is counting on me,” Gonzales said. “I’m considered a veteran now and, well, I’m not going to let them down, or myself down.

“The most important thing of all, though, is that I don’t want to let my mom down. She’s the one that matters. I know there’s nothing I can do to beat the cancer, but I can still make her proud of me.

“I can’t tell you how much that would mean to me.”