THE VOICES OF MOTHERHOOD : Marvella McAllister, SANTA ANA

Married, homemaker, 44. Self-appointed watchdog of the Orange Unified School District, spends countless hours volunteering and serves on several school committees. Lives with husband Gary and their daughter, Melissa, 12. Also has two stepchildren: Randy McAllister, 30, and Coral Palmore, 31, and five grandchildren.

“I am one of the lucky moms. I don’t have to work. There are so many moms that don’t have the opportunity to be with their children like they want to.

When I was growing up we had a lot more freedom. These days I don’t let my daughter go to the next block unless she has a friend with her. The traffic, the population, there are so many safety precautions that we didn’t have to take when I was growing up. That is hard to explain to her. She gets real disappointed sometimes and it hurts me. I constantly evaluate: “Am I being too cautious?” But I don’t think so.

I think that kids today don’t have as many educational opportunities that I had. I try to make sure she has the best possible education.

My daughter is an extremely happy little girl. She is confident, self-sufficient. She and I have a wonderful relationship. It is really easier with the 12-year-old than the 30-year-olds. It is hard for me not to try to control. With the 12-year-old you can establish expectations. You can mold them a little better, not control, just explain things easier.

I feel I have been influential in my stepdaughter’s life.

We just immediately bonded. It was a nice relationship. I got lucky. Their mom passed away, and I think that has made us even closer. It was nice for them, they had someone to share their problems with.

My stepdaughter had a real hard time a few years back. She was a drug addict and was in and out of jail. The hardest thing for me was when she was missing for a while. I had to call the police and the morgue every day for a week. It was absolutely terrible.

I let her know that somebody not only loved her but really cared about her.

I think that was when I had to learn it wasn’t up to me to pass judgment on somebody but to offer her guidance on things, to help her with her life. She has been clean now for four years.

To me, raising your children is the most important task you will have your whole life. There are a lot of sacrifices involved. You can’t always sleep when you want to. Your time becomes their time--when they have to be at a ballgame, or when there is a play at school.

You can’t be selfish and be a good parent. You have to put your children first, but at the same time take care of yourself.”