Demers Sticks It to Them

This was a job for Inspector Jacques Demers of the Royal Montreal Canadien Police.

And you know how it goes up here.

They always get their man.

Not since Dudley Do-Right busted the dastardly Snidely Whiplash has there been anything to compare to this--the Case of the Crooked Stick.

The suspect: Martin J. McSorley, 30, male Canadian, 6 feet 1 inch, 225 pounds, scar beneath right eye, notorious individual, stick handler, crack shot, serial penalty killer, last known address, Manhattan Beach, Calif.

The charge: Use of illegal weapon in Stanley Cup hockey game on Canadian soil with home team in big trouble.

The weapon: Christian “2020 Excel” wooden stick, black, with curved blade. Identifying markings: “33, McSorley,” and “For a Drug-Free USA.”

Here is Inspector Demers’ report:

Montreal Forum, Thursday, June 3, 1993.

During the third and final period of a hockey game between our team and some American out-of-towners, 1 minute 45 seconds from another embarrassing defeat, I noticed the perpetrator, Los Angeles defenseman/enforcer “Marty” McSorley, using a stick that had more curves than a Chez Paree dancer.

With justifiable suspicion, I had the whistle blown on Mr. McSorley, causing the hockey game to stop. His stick was confiscated and Mr. McSorley was apprehended and detained inside a box for a period of two minutes.

Thirty-two seconds later, Canadien defenseman Eric Desjardins scored a goal to tie the game, then scored again in overtime to win the game for Montreal, 3-2, saving my Canadian bacon. I swear to you this day that the search of Mr. McSorley’s belongings was perfectly legal and that no sneaky little Quebec rat snitched to me about McSorley’s stick.

Inspector J. Demers,

Montreal RMCP

Oh, what cunning.

Oh, how clever.

Oh, Canada.

An illegal stick?

You won a Stanley Cup game because of an illegal stick?

Too much curve on the stick of a player who didn’t score a goal? A player who took one shot?

Pardon my French, but the Kings got the shaft.

This must be a proud, proud day in the storybook history of Montreal Canadien hockey--the day our coach had to resort to measuring the opponents’ equipment.

“I just did my job,” Demers said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And maybe tomorrow you can check the contents of their Gatorade bottles.

“Tomorrow I’ll check the length of our skate laces,” King Coach Barry Melrose said.

Was what Demers did legal?

Perfectly.

Bravo, Jacques.

And if the Kings had done it, half the population of Canada would have been grousing today about how much disrespect Melrose and those desperate little dudes from Los Angeles have for the dignity and propriety of the great sport of hockey.

Instead, we end up with Melrose saying: “Would we have called it? No. Because I don’t believe in winning like that.”

Barry did say he learned a lesson and that this sort of thing will never happen again.

And the lesson he learned?

That his team isn’t Jacques-proof.

“There won’t be any illegal sticks next time,” Melrose promised.

Not that that will stop the intrepid Inspector Demers.

Once, when he was coaching St. Louis, the wily Jacques reportedly flipped pennies from his pocket onto the ice during a 1986 playoff game--without anybody catching him--to interrupt play long enough to give his players a rest while the rink was swept.

Just doing his job.

And this is far from the first time that he has pulled this stick trick, having done so at Detroit whenever the need arose.

“I never like to embarrass a man who has as much heart as McSorley,” said Demers, reluctant to accept his new designation as the Prince of Wails.

“But whoever said that I picked up a broken stick on the ice this morning (at practice), that is not true. . . . We don’t go around picking up broken sticks.”

No, this was Inspector Demers’ shot in the dark.

It was a big caper--even bigger than the recent Jimmy Carson-Guy Leveque hotel-room burglary.

The inspector had had Monsieur McSorley under surveillance for some time.

In fact, Demers said he had observed “two players” from Los Angeles with suspiciously curvy equipment.

So, he bided his time.

Then made the bust.

“We knew that Marty McSorley would be coming back onto the ice, because he’s always out there,” Demers explained. “It’s not like he’s not going to be out there for the last five minutes.”

With 17,959 eyewitnesses, McSorley was sent to the hoosegow.

Desjardins, the only Canadien who thus far has demonstrated an ability to poke a puck into the opponents’ net, won the game. But Inspector Demers saved the day. The case of the crooked stick was solved. Martin J. McSorley was fined $200 and sentenced to time served.

Justice prevailed.

Dudley Demers got his man.