A Guide to the New Cultural Elite : Twentysomething-O-Rama

For some 38 million Americans, July 16, 1990, will live forever in infamy. On that sorry day, Time magazine, in a 4,528-word cover story, christened an unsuspecting generation by torturing the name of a failed TV show about baby boomer angst. Thus were the twentysomethings-a.k.a. Generation X, Baby Busters, Posties-launched into Their Own Private Media Event. Although twentysomethings profess to have had it with press overkill, there is something to be said for exposure. As baby boomer and strangely enduring pop-culture icon Alice Cooper has noted: “As long as you can keep them thinking about you, you’ve got it made.”

The Stats

* At last count, there were 38 million twentysomethings, born from 1964-1973. (There are 72 million baby boomers, born from 1946-1964.)

* 40% have divorced parents.

* 30% still live with their parents.

* 80% of the men and 66% of the women from 20 to 24 haven’t married.

* 70% cannot afford to buy a home.

* 12% are unemployed.

Can We Quote You on That?

“We are clueless yet wizened...purposefully enigmatic and indecisive”

--Bret Easton Ellis

I Wink, Therefore I am: “Lifestyle (Snort) Statements”

Ironic detachment is to twentysomethings what fastidiously faded Levis were to their baby boomer moms and dads. T-somethings are consumed by disillusionment and delight in jealously noting that boomers got the New Frontier, Free Love, LSD-25 and rock and roll, but they got Reagan-Bush, AIDS, Just Say No and Lite Everything. Hence the telltale smirk. (Besides, wearing Robert Culp sunglasses is hilarious.)

We Are The World: A Guide to Twenty-something Heavy Hitters

Music

MVP: Kurt Cobain of Nirvana, below. For bringing Grunge to the masses and “Territorial Pissings” to national TV.

Post-Feminists Just Wanna Have Fun Award: The Riot Grrrls, for having enough attitude to eclipse patronizing MS.-era feminists.

Hendrix Lives! Award: Lenny Kravitz, for turning bitchin’ ‘70s riffs and duds (flares, platforms) into a one-man multimedia event.

HOLLYWOOD CO-MVP: Robert Rodriguez, for unwitting embodiment of Disney exec Jeff Katzenberg’s memo-shooting “El Mariachi” for $7,000 (earns $1.7 million).

Co-MVP: Rosie Perez, right, for her magnificent hectoring of Spike Lee in “Do the Right Thing.”

It Could Be You (But It Isn’t) Award: Marisa “Rodham” Tomei (“My Cousin Vinny”) for giving hope to downtrodden twentysomethings by nabbing Best Supporting Actress Oscar.

Mrs. Robinson Boy Toy Award: Brad Pitt, for bedding thirtysomething Geena Davis in “Thelma & Louise.”

Literature

Poet Laureate: Bret Easton Ellis, though a twentysomething no more, for his deadpan ennui in “Less Than Zero,” which made him a Spokesman for His Generation.

Boswell: Douglas Coupland, also past the Big Three-Oh, for “Generation X,” the unofficial source of twentysomething slang, e.g., McJobs and blip-mipments (fleeting romances).

MVP: Donna Tartt. For extracting nearly $1 million in advances for “The Secret History.”

Television

MVP: Jeff Zucker, NBC News. For parlaying a grunt-level network research job into “Today” show’s executive producer post, bagging (then leaving) same job on “Nightly News.” Now running new magazine series for NBC.

Ms. Congeniality: Tabitha Soren, reporter, MTV News. For interviewing Axl Rose and George Bush as if both were in bands, and for reportedly responding to Sam Peckinpah reference in an interview with, “And who’s that?”

Look, Honey! A ’66 Frigidaire!: Twentysomething Interior Decor

The twentysomething home aesthetic, when funds are available for more than bricks and boards, balances a craving for early-1960s retro-trash with ultra-high-tech accouterments.

Possible cause: Tumultuous childhood (two-career families; divorce) creates nostalgia for home life never experienced. Idyllic TV families provide example. Result is a cross between “My Three Sons” breakfast nook and a spread from The World of Interiors.

Retro:

* Two-speed Waring blender

* Streamlined two-slice Toastmaster toaster

* Fruitwood-encased 1960s-vintage Magnavox TV/eight-track player

* Orlon-covered “motel moderne” sofa

* BarcaLounger easy chair (vinyl)

* “Butterfly” sling chairs

* Adjustable gunmetal “tree” lamps

* Wurlitzer console organ with “Bossa Nova” stop

* First-generation Amana

* “RadaRAnge” microwave

* Ashtrays from Playboy Club

Luxe:

* “Cannonball” four-poster beds with 100% cotton everything

* Mission armchairs with cracked leather seats

* Repro Frank Lloyd Wright “Johnson Wax” office chairs

* Mahogany coffee, end tables

* Lloyd Loom wicker settees

* Window treatments from Pier 1

* Rolled-arm sofas in mattress-ticking stripes

* Pilasters

* Mexican tiles

* Stained-glass sidelights

* Claw-footed bathtubs with nickel-plated fixtures

* Palladian windows

* Matte-black combination laser disc/CD player with remote

* (L.A.) Westec Security system with armed response

* (New York) “Fox” police lock; dead-bolt; anti-jimmy bar

On the Other Hand. MTV: Some, Uh, Stars are Born

With boomer-aged media czars increasingly out of touch with twentysomething culture, MTV emerges as a kingmaker. Ladies and gentlemen, may we present...

Dan Cortese (left): An MTV production assistant, Cortese persuades network to put him on air; hosts “MTV Sports.” Begets Burger King commercial and co-starring role in remake of “Route 66.”

Pauly Shore: MTV launches Pauly, mostly unknown son of Comedy Store owner Mitzi Shore, via his own hair-brained videos-and-nerd-speak afternoon show. Begets deal with Disney and starring role in “Encino Man.”

We are the World: A Guide to Twenty-something Family Units

Old man, take a look at my wife: Cross-generational couples

* Mariah Carey and Sony Music chief Tommy Mottola (right)

* Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum

* Paulina Porizkova and Ric Ocasek

* Phoebe Cates and Kevin Kline

Today I Met the Boy I’m Going to Live With in a Rent-Controlled Loft: “Romance Among the Twentysomethings

* Lisa Marie Presley and Daniel Keough

* Robert Downey Jr. and Deborah Falconer

* Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown (right)

* Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love

His boy, Elroy: Twentysomethings Now Arguably More Famous than their Famous Baby Boomer Parents

* Charlie Sheen (Martin Sheen)

* Kiefer Sutherland (Donald Sutherland)

* Bridget Fonda (Peter Fonda)

* Laura Dern (Bruce Dern, Diane Ladd)

* Carnie and Wendy Wilson (Brian Wilson)

* Dweezil Zappa (Frank Zappa) (right)

* Robert Downey Jr. (Robert Downey Sr.)

* Chynna Phillips (John and Michelle Phillips)

These Beliefs We Hold Sacred: A Twentysomethings Spot Quiz

Twentysomethings love to take tests. Here’s your chance: True or False

1. Twenty-somethings are the best-educated generation in history.

2. Twenty somethings fear travel to exotic locations.

3. Twentysomethings most often named Ronald Reagan as a “hero” in a 1990 survey.

4. Twentysomethings disdain alcoholic benders.

5. Twentysomethings idealize home and family life.

6. Twentysomethings set long-term goals and defer immediate gratification.

7. Twentysomethings crave evaluation.

8. Twentysomethings willingly sacrifice personal life for work.

9. Twentysomethings have an eerie sense of entitlement.

10. Twentysomethings are cautious and indecisive.

20-Some Things No Twentysomething Should be Without

* Subscriptions to Mondo 2000; The Face; Wired

* “Classic” Mickey Mouse T-shirt

* Dalmation named “Sparky”

* NOW account with overdraft protection

* Business-class upgrades from parents’ frequent flier account

* Blowup doll of Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”

* Complete “Avengers” VHS library

* PowerBook

* Caller ID

* Boxed set of Bobby Darin CDs

* “Gilligan’s Island” shooting script

* Rob Lowe home video

* Framed animation cell from “Beany and Cecil” or “Jonny Quest”

* SEGA video games with turbo

* Playing cards from Pan Am or other defunct airline

* Lionel 0-gauge train set

* Ace black plastic (“It’s bendable”) pocket comb

* “Lexis-Nexis”coffee mug

* Matching umbrellas from Habitat

Attention, Kmart Suppliers! Cool Stuff Twentysomethings Would Gladly Buy if Remarketed

* Fizzies

* Unguentine in little fire-extinguisher bottles

* Kellogg’s OK’s

* Mattel Vac-U-Form

* Sears Silvertone electric guitar (with amp in case)

* Breeze detergent (with towel in box)

* Look magazine

* The California Zephyr

* Polaroid “Swinger” camera

* Superballs

* Head “360” skis

* Schwinn “Fastback” bike with five-speed stick shift

* Bakelite rotary telephone

* Walt Disney nature films narrated by Hoyt Axton

* Relatively disease-free sex

Twentysomething Recycling

Creepy Crawlers

“The Flintstones” and “Dennis the Menace” movies

Coca-Cola in green, eight-ounce bottles

“The Real Live brady bunch”

“Speed Racer”

Twentysomething Trivia-Meisters, Rejoice! Never-Heard Lyrics to “Bewitched” Theme Song Revealed!!

Bewitched, bewitched

You’ve got me in your spell

Bewitched, bewitched

You know your craft so well

Before I knew what you were doing

I looked in your eyes

That brand of woo that you’ve been brewin’

Took me by surprise

You witch, you witch

One thing is for sure ...

That stuff, you pitch

Just hasn’t got a cure.

My heart was under lock and key

But somehow it got unhitched

I never thought my heart could be had

But now I’m caught and I’m kinda glad to be

Bewitched, bewitched.

(By Howard Greenfield and Jack Keller. 1964, Screen Gems-EMI)

Can We Quote You on That?

“We’ve inherited the disillusionment without ever sharing the feelings that good things could happen to us.”

--Patrick Kennedy

The Pretenders

Twentysomethings who aren’t:

Kevin Bacon, 34

Emilio Esteves, 31

Tama Janowitz, 36

Elizabeth McGovern, 31

Jane Pratt, 30

Eddie Van Halen (right), 36

Unlikely Icons

Vic Mizzy (composed “The Addams Family” and “Green Acres” themes)

Frank X. Mcnamara (charge card inventor)

Ren and Stimpy (right)

Jay Ward (co-creator, Rocky and Bullwinkle)

Mr. Zip Les Paul

These Kids Today Just Don’t Listen: Discovering the Enemy Within

Astute twentysomethings note an emerging schism in their ranks. Older group is self-involved, career-driven, given to drink, drugs and luxury; younger set more apt to be politically correct, environmentally aware, vegetarian. Here’s how they stack up:

20- to 24-year-olds:

* Car: natural-gas powered

* Home: shared rent-controlled apartment

* Nourishment: communal egg curd and tofu; sparkling cider

* Recreation: 190-mile bicycle excursion

* Occupation: transportation planner; inner-city teacher

* Income: $15,000-$25,000

* Charity: 10% of their earnings

* Voted for: Clinton

* Slogan: “Think globally, act locally”

25- t0 29-year- olds:

* Car: 1966 Electra 225 convertible with foot-operated radio-station selector

* Home: $400,000 “starter house” in Santa Monica; (down payment from parents or spec script sale)

* Nourishment: filet mignon at The Ivy; single-malt Scotch; 7-Eleven Big Gulp

* Recreation: high-stakes poker; “extreme” skiing; Tony Robbins’ “Discover the Giant Within” seminars

* Occupation: public relations; associate producer, “The Simpsons”

* Income: Zero to $1 million

* Charity: Tips heavily

* Voted for: Perot

* Slogan: “No way. Two points on the front end or we bust this deal.”

Can We Quote You On That?

“As a child born to parents of the 1960s, there8s nothing to rebel against. Here I am-where do I go from here?”

Fashion: Clothes, Captioned

Twentysomething fashion always has an ironic subtext and shifts with the alacrity of a ’67 ‘Cuda. Retro looks pointedly ignore baby boomers’ golden moments-e.g. “Summer of Love”detritus-in favor of early ‘60s/pre-disco ‘70s high kitsch: The buttoned-down Roger Moore-in-”The Saint”-look for men; clogs, crocheted shawls and Marcia Brady-esque flares for women. Except for Seattle bicycle messengers, Grunge is as hip as Milli Vanilli.

A Twentysomething Virtual Life (Hope I Get Old Before I Die: Jason (1969-1993)

Our hero is born Laughing Wolverine on a commune outside Eureka. His mother, Torpid Sunrise, gives birth naturally. Torpid Sunrise later shucks her hippie name and takes Laughing Wolverine, now Jason, to L.A. where she uses her law degree to get a job at Paramount. They move to a split-level in Brentwood, where young Jason and his friends eat Quisp cereal and watch hour after hour of “Brady Bunch” reruns. Jason brings his mother’s bong to show and tell and is expelled. Mom and her third husband, Rick, an agent at William Morris, send Jason to an exclusive prep school on the East Coast, where all of Jason’s friends come from broken homes and feel alienated and cynical, especially about their baby boomer parents. Jason moves to New York and publishes “Wet Water: A Novel.” It is a best-seller and Warner Bros. options it. The movie flops. Jason starts taking heroin. While lunching at The Ivy with his agent, Jason chokes to death on a piece of grilled sea bass. Mom sells the rights to his life story to TNT and publishes a self-help book for baby boomer parents.