A Winning Concoction: Strawberry Whine Cooler

Darryl Strawberry, the straw who spills the drink, is back playing baseball for the Dodgers.

Bad back, skinny legs and all, Darryl is still strong enough to swing his bat at a water fountain without pain.

Against National League pitching, Darryl might be batting below .150, but he is hitting a cool 1.000 against coolers.

If you think Fred Claire was hot under the collar the other day--he being the only Dodger who has a collar--picture him if Darryl had damaged his spine while swinging at that cooler.

He would have taken Darryl on the team plane to Colorado and then left him there for a passenger to be named later.

Which reminds me:

The other day I came up with this great, great baseball trade--Darryl Strawberry for Jim Abbott.

I usually hate it when people propose goofy and outrageous deals, but now, hey, I had one of my own.

The Dodgers would get a much-needed left-handed pitcher whose popularity among fans here is tangible.

And they would send Strawberry to the one man who would go, Ooooh, Darryl? I’d love to have Darryl! I know you already know who I’m talking about, yes, George Steinbrenner.

George, whose last good move was leaving Cleveland, would gladly give up the struggling Abbott.

As impatient as Steinbrenner is, my only surprise so far is that he hasn’t issued a public apology for acquiring Abbott in the first place.

He’d love to have the Straw man back in the city that never sweeps.

Best of all, he wouldn’t be the least bit afraid of Strawberry’s five-year, $20.5-million contract. No, he would probably give Darryl a new incentive clause--get that average up to .200 and, by God, we’ll make it $21.5 million.

George would do more than put Darryl in the outfield. He’d put Darryl in the monuments.

Darryl would be front-page news in New York, right next to: NUN ATTACKS TAXI DRIVER.

And Abbott? We’d be doing him a good deed, like rescuing Jerry the mouse from Tom the cat. Jim Abbott in the South Bronx reminds me of a deer during hunting season. It’s like he got cast in “Home Alone III.” What’s a PG-rated boy like him doing in an R-rated place like that?

But I doubt there’s any chance this dream trade of mine will come off. My dream trades never come off; otherwise, Richard Gere would be home alone and I’d be the one with Cindy Crawford.

So, Strawberry’s back.

That has been the story in a nutshell--Strawberry’s back. Until it went out on him on his way to the Hall of Fame--yeah, right, Darryl--the Dodgers were down there with the Mets in the running for Worst Team Money Could Buy.

Then, the Dodgers got a few breaks. Jim Gott began to look like the Gott we remember pitching for Pittsburgh, taking management off the hook for the Todd Worrell fiasco. Tim Wallach and Jody Reed provided what this club needed more than anything--no-fault insurance at third and second base.

Astacio and Martinez turned into the town’s best Pedros since Guerrero. Mike Piazza became the main hit man for Don Vito Lasorda. Eric Karros regained his batting stride. Jose Offerman showed us he can hit, too--from both sides of the plate. Eric Davis and Brett Butler stole bases for the Dodgers and stole extra bases from opponents who drove baseballs into the gaps.

Cory Snyder? He jogged out to right field and stayed there. His range was great, his arm was strong and not once did he get robbed of a catch in the seats by a season ticket-holder or assist the ball over the fence with his glove or his head.

The Dodgers returned from the dead.

Then Darryl returned from the whirlpool.

Tom Lasorda huffed and puffed and blew the clubhouse down, wanting to know what the big deal was about restoring Strawberry to the lineup. I personally do think it’s a big deal when a manager takes a streaking team and inserts a .135 hitter in the three-hole, but I know, I know, how many World Series have I ever won?

Apparently there is an L.A. law that says Darryl Strawberry cannot bat sixth in the lineup, or seventh, or eighth, at least until he can run his consecutive-game hitting streak to two.

Oh, well.

The important thing is that the Dodgers are back in the race to see who will play Philadelphia for the pennant.

I still think the Dodgers will win their division, just as I think their right fielder really might go to the Hall of Fame some day.

Snyder, I mean.