They Fill Shoes of Missing Dads

Although he was happily married, Ventura’s Peter Prudhomme doubted for years whether he wanted to have children.

“I don’t want to say I had a terrible childhood, but I didn’t have a great childhood,” said Prudhomme, a finance manager for a computer parts manufacturer.

Coming from such a background, he said, “you think it’s too iffy to have children because you don’t want to pass this on to the next generation.” Prudhomme said he was afraid he would be distant and unloving with children, as his father was.

But Prudhomme decided a few years ago to give fatherhood a trial run: He became a Big Brother. He took fatherhood one step further a few weeks ago, when his wife gave birth to the couple’s first child.

Under the Big Brothers-Big Sisters program, 60 Ventura County men devote at least four hours each week to being surrogate fathers for boys who are fatherless.

But the county agency, founded in 1970, is having difficulty keeping up with demand.

Short of both money and volunteers, the agency has a list of 80 boys waiting to be assigned to Big Brothers and 20 girls in line for Big Sisters, Executive Director Lynne West said.

Most girls in the program live with their mothers, but Big Brothers only admits boys whose fathers have died, disappeared or are otherwise absent. Agency officials recognize such boys have needs that even the most loving and attentive mothers cannot provide, West said.

“How many 12- and 13-year-old boys want to talk about the issues of their changing bodies with their moms?” she asked. “Even though the mom can respond very well, she can’t say ‘Well, from my experience . . . .’ ”

Because the need for a same-sex role model may be greatest at puberty, boys must be 8 to 14 years old to enroll with the agency. They may stay in the program until they turn 18.

Some mothers bring their sons to the agency upon recommendation of a counselor or after the boys have had problems at school. Many mothers say their children are happier and more confident after getting the male attention they had craved.

Renee Williams said a counselor referred her to the Big Brothers program after her son Derrick displayed some behavioral problems more than a year ago.

“He was getting very aggressive,” said Williams, a secretary. “He just seemed to have a lot of pent-up anger.”

An only child, Derrick has never met his father, whom Williams divorced when she was three months pregnant.

Williams said she knew her son needed a father figure, but had initial fears when the man who was to be his Big Brother, Bruce Feinstein of Thousand Oaks, showed up. The fear faded after a month, Williams said.

After teaming with Feinstein for about a year and a half--much of the time spent bowling and playing games at video arcades--Derrick no longer seems angry, Williams said.

“The things that Bruce gives him, I can’t,” she said. Derrick “does everything with me. He talks to me about everything. But it’s different: I’m ‘mom.’ ” With Feinstein, Derrick has someone he can wrestle with, compete against, and talk to “about guy things,” she said.

Kathy Shellenberger recognized that her son, too, needed a male role model.

Shellenberger, whose son David has Prudhomme as a Big Brother, said she enrolled him in the program to try to prevent problems down the road.

David, now 12, was a toddler when his father abandoned the family, and has had no contact with the man since, said Shellenberger, who works as a fiscal assistant for the county courts.

She said David “is just a normal kid. He’s a good kid.” But, “he needed a male influence in his life.”

At 5-foot-11, David is graceful, and excels at sports. With Prudhomme, a 6-foot-3 amateur tennis champion, David has found his athletic match.

The pair spend their time together lifting weights, playing racquetball and engaging in other sports. They also share a passion for woodworking and have put their skills to use, building chairs and working on home-improvement projects.

And Prudhomme helps David with his math, which has led to the boy’s placement in an advanced math class when he enters seventh grade next fall.

David said he felt comfortable with Prudhomme immediately. “It’s a lot easier to be around someone who’s like you,” he said.

But David’s mother was a little slower in realizing how important Prudhomme was to her son.

“At first I felt jealous of that relationship because for so many years it had been David and me--we had done everything together,” she said. But she realized that “there’s a bonding there between Peter and David that he could never have with me because I’m a woman, or because I’m his mother.”

That bond between Big Brothers and their charges may closely resemble father-son relationships, but with one critical difference, West said.

Big Brothers “don’t involve themselves in matters of discipline,” she said. “They would never punish a child. They pretty much keep their visits on a non-judgmental basis.”

The agency turns away men “who might be stuck in a particular mind-set, who might be a little too rigid,” she said. “These children come from single-parent homes and have low self-esteem. We want someone who will accept them for who they are and help them maximize their own potential.”

When screening prospective big brothers, the agency reviews driving records; gets references from employers, doctors and friends; and checks for any history of criminal activity. Big Brothers are required to stay with the program for at least one year.

Since the county’s Big Brothers/Big Sisters program began operation, only one parent has complained that an adult assigned by the agency touched a child improperly, West said.

That was in the mid-1980s. The accused man, Richard Sykora, was convicted last April of molesting an 11-year-old Ojai boy.

West said Sykora had been a Big Brother to several different boys over a period of about eight years, but the agency kicked him out after hearing the parent’s complaint.

At the time, the district attorney’s office questioned all boys who had been assigned to Sykora, but closed the case when none of the children said the man had behaved improperly, West said.

But by the time Sykora was charged in the Ojai case, those boys had become adults and recalled that their former Big Brother had indeed molested them, she said.

In addition to scrutinizing the backgrounds of prospective Big Brothers, agency staffers interview the men at length to determine their interests and personalities.

Based on that information, the agency makes a point of matching the men with boys who have similar interests and compatible personalities.

This is the case with 11-year-old Cortez Davis of Oxnard and his Big Brother, Don Jordain, 26, of Ventura.

Jordain takes the boy swimming, to the movies and to play video games, in addition to making trips to the library for Cortez to do homework.

Unmarried and with no children, Jordain said he signed up to become a Big Brother partly because it would be good training for fatherhood.

But, he said, being a Big Brother has a less obvious benefit: “It makes me feel like a kid again.”

Westlake resident Rod MacLea, 34, who is a Big Brother to 9-year-old Shaun George, said he too enjoys reverting back to childhood.

“We can cheat and go for ice cream for breakfast,” he said. “I can do all that crazy stuff now because I’ve got an excuse to do it.”

Unlike Cortez and Jordain, the outgoing MacLea contrasts sharply with shy Shaun. But the pair have found other things in common.

They enjoy woodworking and spend a lot of time together in MacLea’s garage wood shop. Since MacLea became Shaun’s Big Brother nearly a year ago, the unlikely duo have also gone motorcycle riding, sailing and skating.

Last week, they visited the batting cage at Baseball City in Agoura Hills, where MacLea offered encouragement to Shaun as the boy stood in against a menacing pitching machine.

Shaun’s mother, Sheila George, said she divorced the boy’s father when her son was an infant. Shaun has not seen his father since he and his mother moved to California from New York three years ago. Shaun, an only child, usually gets a phone call from his father every other week.

“Being able to spend time with Rod has been a real turnaround for him,” George said. “He has more confidence.”

For his part, Shaun said, “I was shy at first” with MacLea, but “he’s nice.”

MacLea said he grew up in a stable, two-parent family, and found himself unable to identify with Shaun’s situation.

“I had a great childhood and I guess I want to share some of that with someone who didn’t,” said MacLea, who is unmarried.

Like other Big Brothers, MacLea said he often talks to Shaun about his grades and the importance of education. He is very aware that he is a role model for Shaun.

“I wanted to be like my dad,” MacLea recalled. “He could do anything. He could build anything. He could fix anything.”

And MacLea was reminded of the extent of his influence over Shaun when he noticed that the boy has begun kicking off his shoes in the same way MacLea does when they enter MacLea’s home.

“Wow! What else have I done?” MacLea said. “I need to be more careful!”