NHL Brethren Sell Ducks a Bill of Goods

The customs agent slapped another passport shut and shook his head. Small talk about the NHL and this week’s expansion draft had taken an ugly turn.

“I still can’t believe they have a team called the Mighty Ducks,” the agent said. Then he groaned a little.

Two lines over stood the unsightly evidence--Jack Ferreira and Pierre Gauthier, respected hockey men-turned-Mighty Duck hunters, wearing the silly hats of Disney because, well, there must be a clause in their contracts.

What were those colors on those heads?

Purple and green?

“You’d better be bombed,” the agent advised, “before you go see one of their games.”

Welcome to Canada, Ducks. Welcome to the national pastime. You are not wanted here, not in the First Church of Guy Lafleur, but because you have Disney megamillions, and Gary Bettman on bended knee, you will be tolerated. Maybe. But we’re on to you. We know you didn’t get here the old-fashioned way. You bought your way in. You paid your $50 million, fine, you have your ticket. But check the fine print again: Good For Admission Only.

Red carpet not included.

The Ducks and their expansion brethren, the Mighty Panthers of Florida, have come to Quebec to choose sides, the first sides to ever hit the ice in Anaheim and Miami. They came expecting few favors, and have received even fewer. Thursday, they will each draw 24 names from the “unprotected” lists of the existing NHL membership. White House security should be so unprotected.

Remember the glut of quality goaltending that was supposed to be laid at Duck and Panther feet? Mike Richter was going to be made available. Ron Hextall, too. Jimmy Waite. Kelly Hrudey. Kay Whitmore. Chris Terreri.

After bemoaning their fates for four months, general managers from New York to Vancouver spent the last 48 hours before the trading deadline scratching one another’s backs, stashing goalies behind couches, under desks and inside cookie jars.

The Rangers protected Richter instead of John Vanbiesbrouck and shipped Vanbiesbrouck to Vancouver, for the purposes of shielding Whitmore, the incumbent Canuck backup, from the Ducks or the Panthers. No team can lose more than one goalie, so by stockpiling both Vanbiesbrouck and Whitmore, Vancouver will emerge Thursday evening no worse than status quo--and the expansion teams are deprived one more premier name.

Another went by the boards when Quebec traded Hextall to the Islanders. Before Sunday, Hextall was looking like the top pick in the draft--instant marquee appeal for the selector--but with the Islanders, he is protected, with free agent-to-be Glenn Healy taking his place on the available list.

Waite was so prized a prospect in Chicago that the Blackhawks spent weeks shopping starter Ed Belfour, at least until Belfour won the Vezina Trophy. Acknowledging that one does not trade or fail to protect the Vezina Trophy winner, especially after one fails to win a game in the Stanley Cup playoffs, the Blackhawks backed off and shopped Waite instead, finding a taker and willing co-conspirator in San Jose.

Chicago sent Waite to San Jose over the weekend for “future considerations.” In other words, Chicago sent Waite to San Jose for defenseman Neil Wilkinson, who would have been coveted mightily by the Ducks, had he been made available. But he won’t be, and neither will Waite. The Sharks reportedly have agreed to “hold” Wilkinson for the Blackhawks--protecting him until after the draft, then sending him east as the player to be named. That way, the Blackhawks get to protect their top five defensemen and add a sixth, later, in Wilkinson.

Damn luck has also conspired against the Ducks in their pursuit of a puck stopper. Two months ago, Hrudey looked like a perfect fit--ex-King, built-in name recognition, still a couple decent years left.

Then the Kings break into the Stanley Cup finals and Hrudey has the tournament of his life. He outplays Kirk McLean and Felix Potvin, has Patrick Roy on the ropes until Marty McSorley flunks arts and crafts. Hrudey emerges a folk hero. He may be seven years older than Robb Stauber, but how can the Kings risk losing him now?

So Hrudey makes the list, Stauber does not, and rest assured: Stauber has not been keeping Ferreira and Gauthier up late at night.

Everywhere the Ducks and Panthers turn in their cramming, the NHL keeps smacking them in the head with one preserve-the-environment rule after another.

Montreal has dangled a pair of enticing defensemen, J.J. Daigneault and Sean Hill, but rules say no team can lose more than one defenseman.

Pittsburgh has a 25-year-old defenseman, Paul Stanton, who has caught the eye of the Ducks, but if Florida drafts Penguin goaltender Ken Wregget first, rules say no team can lose both a goalie and a defenseman.

Kelly Kisio played for Ferreira in San Jose, scored 78 points last season, was an all-star . . . and was left unprotected by the Sharks. But Kisio is a restricted free agent who could re-sign with the Sharks even if the Ducks draft him, because rules say teams don’t need to protect restricted free agents.

Worse still, rules say the Ducks and the Panthers must draft two players from each existing team. That means two Ottawa Senators, two San Jose Sharks, two Hartford Whalers, two bolts of Tampa Bay Lightning.

Two plus two plus two plus two equals . . . we don’t want to know.

As far as the Ducks are concerned, the best thing about this round of expansion is that, knowing the NHL, it won’t be the last. And some day, probably soon, the Ducks will be the ones sticking it to another poor sap.