Teach Them Early and Before Long We’ll All Have a Blast

I’ve come up with something that, for lack of a better term, let’s call “A Modest Proposal Part Deux.”

Before I get to the specifics of my plan, the context:

A teen-age boy allegedly shoots a teen-age girl at Westminster Mall. A middle-age man is suspected of killing two people at their job in Fountain Valley. A man shoots a waitress in Buena Park. Three teens are shot at a Family Fun Center in Fountain Valley. In Sacramento, a father kills his infant daughter and wounds his wife while firing at home intruders.

I didn’t have to scour the files to find these incidents. All occurred last week. All involved handguns.

Some well-meaning citizens say we should ban handguns. Well-meaning, yes, but incorrect. We don’t need fewer handguns; we need more. We need one for everyone, and my plan will do that.

By the age of 5, every American child knows what a gun is. Therefore, I propose that every child entering kindergarten be given a gun. Obviously, they may not have the dexterity to fire it, but at least they will begin to get the feel of the weapon and become familiar with having it in their possession.

A .45 is too big for most kindergartners, but surely they could handle a smaller gun, even if they needed two hands at first. And American manufacturing, currently looking for a stimulus, could get to work on perfecting a handgun for the very young. I would think something colorful and that fits in a lunch pail would be a big seller.

During the first few years of elementary school, students would become thoroughly familiar with various types of guns. Perhaps as an adjunct to instruction in arts and crafts, they would learn to disassemble any weapon and learn the difference between automatic and semiautomatic firepower. In addition, they would learn about all types of ammunition.

Let me hasten to say that under my plan, gun safety and responsibility would be an integral part of the curriculum. Weapons instruction would be taught during a regular class period, possibly supplanting a needless subject like history or science.

In grades one through four, students doing well in gun safety would be given blanks. That would give them an idea of what their gun sounds like when fired, so they wouldn’t be startled later.

Advancement to live ammunition would come in fifth grade. By then, the children are 11 years old and able to make decisions on their own. Carrying a gun with ammunition would also enhance their self-esteem, so critical as they enter the difficult pubescent years.

By the junior high years, target practice would be mandatory. Each school could, at relatively minor cost, convert existing classroom space to a range or build a separate facility.

Those among us today who worry about handguns often cite the ease with which they’re concealed.

My proposal would scrap concealed-weapons laws and simultaneously introduce a snappy line of young apparel specifically designed to expose the guns. Shoulder holsters (either single or crisscross) probably would be the most popular look, but decorative gun belts that could be worn around the waist or hips also offer promise.

Fear not, parents, schoolwork would not suffer. As an inducement, students who excel academically would receive extra ammunition. Students doing extra-credit work would qualify for more exotic weaponry, assuming, of course, that their performance in gun safety and responsibility class was also exemplary.

Finally, as a condition of receiving a diploma, each student would have to demonstrate mastery of his or her gun, in addition to scoring well on safety tests.

Gun supporters say an armed society is a polite society, so why wait till we’re adults to get started?

If my plan catches on, we could put a dent in the following statistics, supplied by the state Department of Justice:

In 1992, there were 3,920 homicides in California, 2,426 committed with a handgun. The 1992 figures for Orange County: 173 homicides, of which 114 were committed with a handgun. That was more than twice as many handgun homicides in Orange County as there were as recently as 1985.

My plan would eliminate the need for such halfway measures as waiting periods and background checks. Those do marginal good and merely force people to get guns illegally.

No, my plan is the only one that puts a gun in everyone’s hands at an early age and teaches them how to use it responsibly. Under my plan, youngsters will grow up loving and trusting their heater as much as their teddy bear.

This is America.

We love our guns. We love our kids. Why keep them apart any longer than necessary?

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.