DON’T TOUCH THAT DIAL ... : A rare review for a host with the most

I am in love! Yes. You heard right. Love. And not just puppy love. This is the drop dead, “I hear singing and there’s no one there,” Mama, print the wedding invitations, kind of love!

And who is the object of this unrequited affection? Luke Perry of “Beverly Hills, 90210?” Oh, please. I’m old enough to be his ... older sister. Rob Morrow of “Northern Exposure”? He’s nice, but on dates he always brings that moose along. Earl Sinclair, that handsome Jurassic hunk of “Dinosaurs?” Dating reptiles is against my religion.

Then who, you ask, impatiently? OK, OK, I’ll tell you (big drum role.) BOB DORIAN! Swoon. Yep, that salt-and-pepper-haired host of the American Movie Classics channel. He is soooo dreamy. He fulfills all my wants, hopes and needs. Honest. Just ask my therapist.

He’s suave, like Cary Grant. Soft-spoken, like Gary Cooper. And cute, like Mary Pickford. And like Cary, Gary and Mary, he loves the movies. Particularly the old ones.

As I perused through Bob’s bio (yes, I call him Bob), I found out that as a kid growing up in Brooklyn, Bob spent his weekends bivouacking in the neighborhood movie house. I also found out that Bob is an actor!

He began his professional career as a child and by age 16 had been seen in such early television productions as “Suspense,” “Studio One” and “The Perry Como Show.”

I hear Bob likes to tell the story about the director of a New York television show who gave him tips on acting. One day the director announced, unexpectedly, that he was going downtown to act and sing in a show. “He ended up doing that musical for the rest of his life,” Bob is quoted as saying. The musical: “The King and I.” Bob’s friend: Yul Brynner.

On the success of the AMC channel and the continued popularity of classic movies, Bob has this to say: “I think they’re still being watched because things were simpler then. Heroes were heroes, bad guys were bad guys and you could tell the difference.” Yeah, unlike today, where it seems like everyone wants to be “bad,” and is.

But what, you ask, of this fair damsel’s pathetic amour for Bob? Is there hope? “Love Is a Many Splendored Thing,” after all. But will there be “Desire Under the Elms” for this “Women Obsessed” with that “Man in the Gray Flannel Suit?”

Well, Bob is married with three children and lives on Long Island. I’m single with morals and live in Los Angeles.

Shucks ... I guess I’ll just tell myself, “Lady, Be Good,” take your “Magnificent Obsession” and go “Downhill.” Bummer.