O.C. Adults Find Ways to Set Nets for Teens Falling in Love

Parents like to think their teen-agers will fall in love only with people who treat them with respect, will say “no” when something doesn’t feel right and will end relationships that make them unhappy.

What parents forget is how difficult it is even for adults to make rational decisions when they’re in love.

Many teen-agers are approaching romantic relationships with “adult expectations and a child’s ability to cope,” says Christine Honeyman, a marriage, family and child counselor who is a consultant in the Irvine Unified School District’s Guidance Resource program.

They’re likely to know far more about how to initiate and escalate physical contact than how to deal with such emotional complications as jealousy, manipulation, anger and rejection.

With the daily bombardment of media images depicting sexually charged, emotionally tangled adult relationships, it’s easy to see why so many teen-age couples are grappling with grown-up problems, Honeyman says.

“Kids are getting an unrealistic view of relationships from the media--everything is rushed, and problems are solved immediately,” she says.

*

Helping teen-agers understand the intricacies of love and how to confront the complex issues that come up in intimate relationships are challenges that many parents find difficult to address. But it is important to do so, Honeyman says, particularly because emotional or physical abuse is taking place in a growing number of teen-age dating relationships (one study estimates that 25% of teen-agers abuse or are abused on dates).

Honeyman says the teens who are best equipped to have healthy relationships: 1) have high self-esteem, 2) are able to identify and express their feelings and 3) have strong problem-solving and communication skills.

Teen-agers who lack self-esteem and aren’t in touch with their feelings are especially vulnerable to high-risk behavior, Honeyman says.

Jeanne Graham, a family life specialist with the Coalition for Children, Adolescents and Parents in Orange, agrees. She says she sees a growing number of young people getting into “unhealthy, scary relationships”--and engaging in high-risk sex--because they’ll do just about anything for the person who makes them feel desirable.

Their need to be wanted and loved is so intense that they are careful not to say or do anything that might upset the boyfriend or girlfriend, even if that person is taking advantage of them or jeopardizing their safety, Graham says.

Parents of chronic people-pleasers need to work overtime on building self-esteem, Honeyman says. “Teens need to be told they are loved, and they need to have their strengths pointed out.”

*

Parents can also help teens learn to step back from relationship problems and sort out their emotions. Honeyman suggests that parents encourage teens to express their feelings during a “debriefing” session at the end of each day. “Wait until they’re tired and ready to go to sleep, and they’ll talk to anyone--even their parents,” she says.

Honeyman says that she and her daughter, who is 21, used to have their best talks at bedtime. Honeyman would ask her daughter to identify the three worst things that had happened to her that day and then the three best. They’d discuss both the positive and negative emotions that these experiences had stirred up.

Anything needing further discussion would be saved for the next day when both were fresh. Then the problem-solving would begin.

It’s crucial to teach teens how to solve relationship problems, Honeyman says. With 50% of marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, young people are getting the message that the best way to deal with conflict is to avoid it by bailing out.

She suggests that parents ask teens to write down whatever dilemma they’re facing and then “brainstorm any and all possible solutions without judgment.”

For example, if the teen-ager wants to break up with someone and doesn’t know how, the options might include: avoiding the person until he or she gets the message, calling, writing a note, breaking the news in person, asking a friend to do it, doing something mean to drive the person away or arranging to be seen with someone else.

Once the options have been listed, parents should discuss the pros and cons of each with teens and encourage them to picture themselves in the other person’s shoes, Honeyman says. She also recommends that parents do some role-playing with their teens to give them a chance to practice handling difficult social situations.

Some parents allow their relationships with teen-age children to become increasingly distant during the tumultuous dating years, Honeyman says. But, she stresses, it’s vital for parents to stay close and offer steady support and guidance, because “the earlier we can help our teens, the more chance they’ll have for successful relationships later on.”

And, if parents can create an atmosphere that encourages teens to talk about their problems, they are more likely to be able to offer support in times of crisis.

*

Karen Ursini, parenting education coordinator for the Coalition for Children, Adolescents and Parents in Orange, offers this rule of thumb for parents: “The more demanding and judgmental you are about what they’re doing, the less they’re going to talk to you. The more open-minded you are, the more they are going to share.”

Stephanie Russell of Irvine is among parents who have worked to establish open communication with their children. She is hopeful that her 14-year-old daughter, Pamela, would be able to talk to her if she was having a serious problem in a relationship.

“No matter what mistakes my daughter makes, I don’t come down on her like a ton of bricks. I try to be very encouraging, because I don’t want to close doors for her. I want her to feel that she can come to me no matter what.”

Russell also gives advice sparingly. “I put myself in her spot and ask, ‘How would I feel about somebody telling me what to do and what not to do?’ I talk with her--not at her. And I listen with my eyes, my ears and my heart.”

Even in homes in which parents and teens talk easily, there are going to be problems that teens will keep to themselves. “Sharing every detail of their life at this age is not normal. They do need to separate. That’s their task,” Ursini says.

Fordyce McKenzey of Laguna Niguel says she doesn’t expect her 17-year-old son, Greg, to talk to her about the “nitty-gritty issues” in his love life. “This is private stuff. At this age, kids take pride in their privacy and celebrate their autonomy.”

While respecting her son’s privacy, McKenzey says she has still managed to give him some basic pointers about dealing with romantic relationships. “For the last couple of years, I’ve talked to him a lot about driving and about women, and my advice and hopes for him are just about the same for both: Be careful. Don’t go too fast. Don’t take chances that might cause an accident. Don’t do what your friends do; they are young and sometimes foolish . . . . Where safety is concerned, don’t assume anything.”

While her son has listened to such advice with “the same cryptic silence, pained expression and eyes rolled heavenward that greet a lot of other subjects,” McKenzey says she is hopeful that the message is one he will remember when he is out there on his own.

*

Honeyman says parents should let teen-agers know that it’s OK to seek guidance from a trusted adult such as a teacher, counselor or member of their extended family. She suggests parents say something like: “I’d love for you to be able to talk to me about your problems, but if you can’t, I want you to talk to someone else, because what you are going through is important.”

Jeanne Graham points out that even teens who have strong communication with their parents will sometimes turn elsewhere when they need help with a relationship problem. “That’s part of their independence. They realize their parents can’t solve everything for them.”

Graham, who makes presentations in high schools on teen sex and related issues, says that, unfortunately, parents are often the last to hear about teen-agers’ relationship problems. She’s found that fewer than 10% of the teens in her classes confide in their parents.

Among the teens in the audience at one of her recent lectures were Jacob and Christina, both 17, who asked that their real names not be used. Jacob, who lives with his mother and has little contact with his father, says: “There are some things I can’t talk to my mom about. I just bottle them up inside--or sit in my room and write poetry.”

Once he had a girlfriend who kept calling and telling him about other guys she was seeing. He was deeply disturbed by the phone calls but didn’t go to his mother for help. “I felt it was something I needed to deal with. My mom would have said, ‘Just hang up on her.’ But I really liked the girl, and my mom wouldn’t have understood how breaking up with her would hurt me,” explains Jacob, who eventually realized the girl was being “mentally abusive” and ended the relationship.

Jacob says he sees a lot of teens living with secrets because they feel their parents aren’t prepared to face reality. “When parents hear about kids doing drugs or having sex, they don’t want to believe it,” he says. Often, he adds, parents end up punishing instead of talking, and eventually “you find you’re strangers living under the same roof.”

Jacob says parents and teens need to work at understanding each other by talking as much as possible. And they shouldn’t be afraid to argue, he stresses. “Arguing is very healthy as long as you’re both listening and it’s not just yelling.”

Christina says that she can talk to her mom about her problems because “she doesn’t sit there and tell me what to do. She’ll help me come up with a solution.”

She says teens are more likely to talk to parents who set reasonable rules and enforce them.

“Some parents have an ‘I don’t care’ attitude and let their kids go anywhere,” she says. “Those who are allowed to do whatever they want don’t tell their parents anything.”