They Managed to Reach New Lows : THE COLLEGES

How do you measure ineptitude? Is it Pitt losing by only 44 points, which makes the opposing coach, Notre Dame’s Lou Holtz, so angry that he orders a Sunday scrimmage for his team?

Is it Purdue setting a record for most points scored in a losing performance, 56? Or Norfolk State and Winston-Salem State each giving up 54 points--to one another?

Or could it be No. 1 Maryland, one of the few college teams that could improve its defensive stats by losing, 38-0? The Terrapins give up 50 points a game on average.

Or is it Southern Methodist falling to Baylor, 12-31, even though Baylor didn’t throw a single pass? Did anyone at SMU detect a trend at halftime? What a shame for football scientists that SMU won’t face its logical opponent this year, Texas at El Die-by-the-Paso.

Sad Sack, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Maryland (0-6) 0-38, Georgia Tech Duke 2. Temple (1-4) 21-56, Army Virginia Tech 3. Georgia Tech (2-3) Def Maryland 38-0 North Carolina 4. San Jose St. (0-5) Idle Won’t Say 5. Arkansas St. (1-5) 3-45, Memphis St. SW Louisiana 6. Purdue (1-4) 56-59, Minnesota Wisconsin 7. LSU (2-4) 3-58, Florida* Kentucky 8. Pitt (1-4) 0-44, Notre Dame Syracuse 9. Texas (1-3-1)** 17-38, Oklahoma Recovering 10. BYU (4-1) 14-68, UCLA*** Notre Dame

11. Las Vegas (Circus Circus) (1-5); 12. Columbia (1-3); 13. Stanford (2-3); 14. Utah State (1-4) 15. Ole Miss State (1-4); 16. Dartmouth (1-3) or Brown (1-3); 17. Kansas (2-4); 18. Texas at El Overthrown Paso (1-5); 19. Idle; 20. SMU (1-3-1) (school’s pass defense not included).

*Worst defeat ever.

**Worst start in 55 years.

***Worst defeat ever.

Rout of the Week: (Tie) Arizona vs. Stanford, Notre Dame vs. BYU.

Poor loser: As officials were measuring to see if Tennessee had made a first down en route to a 28-14 victory over Arkansas, a TV camera picked up Arkansas Coach Danny Ford saying: “I hope they tear a knee up right there.”

THE PROS

The season-ending injury suffered by Miami’s Dan Marino comes at a crushing time for Cincinnati Coach David Shula (0-5). Out of desperation, Shula had planned this week to call up the Miami coach and ask, “Hey, Dad, can I borrow the quarterback?”

So, unless Cincinnati can flag down Todd Marinovich’s surfboard, the team seems stuck with the current crew of Bungle QBs.

For Phoenix Coach Joe Bugel, meanwhile, the magic number is four--any combination of four Cardinal defeats and he gets the ax. Owner Billy Bidwill, the brains behind the operation, told Bugel he must win at least nine games this season (though not necessarily the Super Bowl).

The Cardinals have one more victory than the NFL’s yet-to-be born expansion teams. Memphis, one candidate for a franchise, has selected a nickname that would fit in perfectly with the traditional disastrous first season--Hound Dogs. After all, Bungles is already taken.

The rankings:

THE UNWON

Sad sack, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. Cincinnati (0-5) 15-17, K.C. Cleveland

*

GOODIE TWO SHOES*

No. Penalties- Wimp, Record Yards Yds/Game 1. L.A. Rams (2-4) 22-159 26.5 2. New England (1-4) 23-159 31.8 3. Phoenix (1-4) 22-163 32.6 4. Dallas (3-2) 20-180 36.0 5. Tampa Bay (1-4) 23-217 43.4

*Least-penalized teams in NFL (Most penalized are the brutish Raiders, 42 for 343 yards.)

No May Day Parade: The Washington Post’s Tony Kornheiser, on the gloomy celebrities in Redskin owner Jack Kent Cooke’s luxury box during the team’s 7-41 rout by the Giants: “There was a line of gray heads in a row--Jack Valenti, David Brinkley, Gene McCarthy, Ed Muskie. It looked like a Kremlin funeral.”