Battle of the Real or Imagined Bulge : You know fat days are here again when you <i> feel</i> as big as a blimp. Here’s how one woman manages. (Remember: Long dresses are your friend.)

That Mrs. Fields cookie seemed innocent enough. And the potato-chip chaser? A minor indulgence--until I suddenly found the bag half-empty in my lap. Face to mirror, the distortion begins. In my own mind I am shapeless, as inflated as the Michelin man, as pudgy as Pat on “Saturday Night Live.”

Part physiological but mostly psychological, “fat days” plague both sexes. Even those too skinny to give blood. Although women who watch their hormonal clocks can predict when their clothes will feel uncomfortably snug, others often have no clue.

Denial, neatly sandwiched between action (eating) and consequence (weight gain), is powerful enough to prompt anyone to forgo celery for chocolate.

Lately, perhaps because I’m reaching that age when clerks call me ma’am, my fat days have begun to accumulate like government holidays. I have been forced to assemble an auxiliary wardrobe of bulge-suppressing undergarments and forgiving knit separates for those occasions. I even have accessories, such as the watch whose band is long enough to latch after a particularly sodium-rich Chinese-food pig-out.

Luckily, fashion trends are working in my favor. What is an ankle-grazing floral dress, after all, but a modified muumuu? It’s inexpensive, camouflages beautifully and works in all kinds of settings, from coffeehouses to weddings. And stretchy leggings can be paired with a hip-covering tunic or a long-sleeved, oversize T regardless of the weather. I merely tell the curious that air conditioning chills me to the bone.

Now that it’s fall, I’ve switched to baggy cotton sweaters and stuffed my bloated ankles into boots, although I’m really not that neurotic about my ankles--yet. Sweater dresses, jumpers and vests, some of the season’s hottest buys, also take the pressure off such focal points as the waist, thighs and hips.

My vest of choice is black, knit, cinches comfortably at the waist and has a hem that rests just above the dreaded bulge. Its front hemline has two points, producing a decidedly slimming effect.

A loose-fitting chain belt or long, weighty chain necklace worn across the body--a trend modeled after women who wear shoulder bags across their bodies to prevent theft--also conceals evidence of the fat-day blues.

I’ve already added a few items to my fall fat-day lineup--an oversize V-neck jumper and two pairs of wide-legged pants to coordinate with oversized sweaters--giving me a solid three-day coverage system.

Any pudgy phase that keeps me out of my regular clothes longer than that must be dealt with harshly. A self-ordered house arrest, perhaps? But wait, isn’t that where I first bonded with the chips and the cookies? What came first--the fried chicken or the egg-shaped body? Don’t ask me. I can’t talk with my mouth full of celery.