Security Must Do More to Keep Sky From Falling

“Ladies, gentlemen, welcome to our first Heavyweight Championship Security Seminar.

“I’m your host, Cesar Pallas, director of security for many of the hotels and casinos here in Las Vegas.

“As you know, strengthening security has become our top priority ever since that wacko with the parachute descended into the ring during the championship fight between Evander Holyfield and Riddick Bowe.

“I’ve come here today to discuss various ways we can deal with such incidents if and when they should occur in the future.

“We must provide maximum security for the many superstar entertainers who perform here on the Strip. After all, we wouldn’t want some idiot with a parachute landing on Ms. Barbra Streisand’s head right in the middle of her lovely rendition of ‘People.’

“Frank Sinatra has personally informed me that if anybody with a parachute interrupts one of his performances, Mr. Sinatra will see to it that whoever is in charge of security will be needing a parachute, because Mr. Sinatra will have that individual thrown off a cliff.

“Understood? Good.

“Let’s review the events of last Saturday night and the way they were handled.

“A gentleman tentatively identified as James Miller hovered above the ring for nearly 20 minutes while Mr. Holyfield and Mr. Bowe duked it out.

“In interviews aired since the incident, we have seen that Mr. Miller has the approximate IQ of a prizefighter’s mouthpiece.

“Security forces at ringside did nothing to prevent Mr. Miller from hovering over the ring. One popular theory was that the parachute was actually a new pair of trunks being delivered by air to Riddick Bowe. As you may know, Mr. Bowe wears trunks that could sleep a family of five.

“I understand that there also was some concern that the parachutist might have been actor Nicolas Cage, shooting a sequel to the motion picture ‘Honeymoon in Vegas’ and its popular flying Elvises scene.

“Ladies, gentlemen, the next time somebody in a parachute is hovering over the ring, I don’t care if you think it’s Ann-bleeping-Margret. Report it to a superior!

“Next: The question of whether or not we should shoot this person down.

“Shooting chutists is not something we wish to encourage here in Nevada or anywhere else. We strongly advise that you not point guns at anything flying overhead, as innocent birds or blimps could be caught in the cross-fire.

“While we accept that you would be doing the public a great service in shelling Mr. Miller like a clay pigeon, the fact remains that the U.S. Constitution provides certain rights even for idiots, and that includes heavyweight championship idiots. Therefore, try not to shoot any idiots, no matter how tempted you may be.

“However, you may have noticed that once Mr. Miller’s chute became entangled in the ring, certain security forces acted swiftly by pounding him about the head and chest with their walkie-talkies, punching Mr. Miller considerably harder than Mr. Holyfield did Mr. Bowe.

“Let’s discuss this for a minute.

“The walkie-talkie, as you know, is generally preferred for use in communication, rather than as a lethal weapon.

“But in cases such as this, I want each and every one of you in this room to feel free to use your walkie-talkie to beat the tar out of anybody who ever again interferes with a championship fight.

“Test results show that the base of the walkie-talkie is generally more effective in the bludgeoning of interlopers than the antenna end.

“A walkie-talkie also does not need to be registered with the police as a weapon. And, the best part is, after you have finished whacking an intruder with your walkie-talkie, you can still use it to call for an ambulance.

“I realize that many of you have been trained to drag away intruders such as Edy Williams or Morganna the Kissing Bandit whenever they interrupt a fight. The one good thing about women such as these is that they usually enter at ground level, rather than from the sky.

“Be advised that one of these individuals could come swinging into the ring on a bungee cord, possibly flattening Mr. Holyfield or Mr. Bowe in the process.

“We have an obligation to protect our prizefighters, no matter how much you may wish to see one of them knocked down.

“As for our indoor performers, I am calling upon each and every one of you in this room to see to it that nobody drops in on Mr. Paul Anka or Mr. Rich Little from the chandeliers in the middle of their acts. And we definitely do not want anybody accidentally crushing Mr. Jerry Lewis during one of his telethons.

“Las Vegas is a family community. Let’s make sure our guests feel comfortable and safe.

“Next time we host a fight, let’s make sure our ring announcer doesn’t end up saying, ‘Let’s get ready to rumble!’ at the exact minute a parachute comes dropping on top of him, messing up a $200 haircut that took him two hours to comb.

“Remember, we need you people. We need people who are willing to beat up people who interfere with the people we are paying to beat each other up.

“And don’t forget, as Ms. Streisand says, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

“Now get out there, look out and look up. Next one of you who misses a parachute is gonna need a paramedic. Dismissed.”