10 LISTS OF TEN FOR THANKSGIVING : 10 Ways To Avoid Helping Clean Up

1 Simply disappear. Look for a window of opportunity, post-meal, in which you can sneak away without notice. The key to this is to get far away. Don’t sit on the front steps or hide in a back room. Go for a walk, a drive, see what the neighbors are up to (hopefully not cleaning up). When you get back after an appreciable amount of time, express shock and sorrow that you missed out on the chores: “Gosh, I’m so sorry! I thought you were going to wait until much later to do the dishes!”

2 Feign illness. It’s the most obvious excuse, but if you’re a natural actor, you might just pull it off. Method illness is highly recommended. Recall some horrible sickness you had, where your head pounded like a jackhammer and your stomach re-created the Cyclone at Magic Mountain. Become the pain. Exhibit symptoms if possible: foaming at the mouth (toothpaste works well), shivering, curling up in the fetal position and moaning loudly.

3 Offer to look after the children. If the kids are a rowdy lot, screaming like banshees and pelting each other with handfuls of pumpkin pie, cleaning up might be preferable. But if they’re well-behaved, you might be in luck, especially if they’ve had a lot to eat and there’s a TV. They’ll probably be tired from that heavy meal and just want to watch “Aladdin” on a continuous loop until Christmas. If the little ones still won’t settle down, get them involved in a game of “Who Can Lie Down the Longest Without Making a Sound?”

4 Help out a little before the meal-- like maybe putting the salt and pepper shakers on the table. Then, when it comes time for the serious work, you can say you exhausted yourself earlier.

5 Announce that you have to work. No one works on Thanksgiving, right? Wrong. Things are just a mess at the office, aren’t they? Because of layoffs, everyone’s been working overtime, right? And hasn’t there been enormous pressure on you to produce, produce, produce? Of course there has.

6 Offer to take the dog for a walk. If there is no dog, do not offer to take the cat for a walk, and don’t offer to take the neighbor’s dog for a walk.

7 Plead carpal tunnel syndrome. It’s now, it’s trendy, and if you work at a job with repetitive movements, it’s your lucky day. If you don’t have the real thing (our sympathy if you do), borrow one of those wrist braces from a friend. After the meal, start to clear the table, but wince slightly as you do.

8 Spend time with a talkative older person. They’ll enjoy the company, and you’ll be too tied up in conversation to spend time cleaning.

9 Mention that you have a friend who’s been troubled lately. Say you’re afraid that the holiday has left him/her seriously depressed, and you want to check on how he’s/she’s doing. Pick a back room, call time and if someone comes by, nod and say “Mmm-hmmm” a lot.

10 When all else fails, there’s always football. Even if you hate the sport, it beats shoving someone else’s leftover peas into the garbage.